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Girl-Talk -> More Depression?

Females: Do you get less or more depressed after talking to friends about issues?

  • More

    Votes: 3 15.0%
  • Less

    Votes: 13 65.0%
  • Stays the same

    Votes: 3 15.0%
  • Moi, have problems? Pshaw..!

    Votes: 1 5.0%

  • Total voters
    20

Totenkindly

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Complaining to friends increases girls' misery

Girls who dish to their friends about their problems may actually be increasing their misery by doing so.

Such are the findings of a study released Sunday, in which researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia found that "co-rumination" -- in other words, excessively discussing problems with close friends -- appears to increase anxiety and depression in young and adolescent girls...

Any comments or insights on this topic? (You can even venture outside of the gender angle to examine depression in general, if you'd like...)
 

Randomnity

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It makes me feel better because:

-I try to get concrete ideas for improving my situation, which makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something
-it makes me feel like I'm connecting with the person I'm sharing with
-sometimes they'll have been in the situation before and I won't feel quite so alone, or they'll reassure me that I'm not being completely retarded

It also makes me feel worse because I have the morning-after regret about sharing something personal, even with a close friend...especially if I've been drinking and shared more than I was intending to. My INFJ friend/roommate is way too good at subtly dragging things out of me. It makes me feel nauseous to have discussed things which are intended to be internal..but at the same time there is the relief--it's just like picking off a scab which exposes more raw flesh than you were expecting.

I will also start cringing if I feel like I've confided too often in one person ...it makes me feel like I'm being too self-centred, and I start getting angry at myself for whining when I have so little to complain about. And I'm convinced that I'm irritating the other person with all my nonsense.

Overall though I think talking to people makes me less depressed in most situations.
 

proteanmix

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I think this is what the problem would be if there is one:
"co-rumination" -- in other words, excessively discussing problems with close friends -- appears to increase anxiety and depression in young and adolescent girls.

I don't think it's healthy to excessively talk about a problem although what quantifies as excessive is open to definition and it also depends on who you're talking to.

I notice at my job that if one of my female coworkers is having relationship problems over trivial things, the unhappy single women advocate leaving the relationship and basically villanize the guy. When you have a group of friends that aren't supportive and proactive then yes, I can see how this study is relevant, but in my experience the feelings of closeness talking about problems causes outweighs any anxiety I feel. And doesn't that happy hormone get released when women feel like they've bonded with others? Doesn't that counteract some of the anxiety?

It also makes me feel worse because I have the morning-after regret about sharing something personal, even with a close friend...especially if I've been drinking and shared more than I was intending to. My INFJ friend/roommate is way too good at subtly dragging things out of me. It makes me feel nauseous to have discussed things which are intended to be internal..but at the same time there is the relief--it's just like picking off a scab which exposes more raw flesh than you were expecting.

Yes, I've experienced that with certain individuals but they usually point out some part of the problem I was denying and it's actually better in the end.

I will also start cringing if I feel like I've confided too often in one person ...it makes me feel like I'm being too self-centred, and I start getting angry at myself for whining when I have so little to complain about. And I'm convinced that I'm irritating the other person with all my nonsense.

Overall though I think talking to people makes me less depressed in most situations.

Yeah, it's like "thanks for oversharing." I know who I can talk to and who I can't so I've got an in-built splatter guard. Sometimes I feel bad that I inundate the people I know I can count on with my problems so I try to limit excessive complaining to once or twice a month.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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I understand the issue in the OP is one of rehearsing one's misery. This can be done in our own mind or by sharing with someone else. Also, expecting another person to make you feel all better can create additional disappointments if they cannot live up to that?

For me it's pretty simple. If I need to share something and the person responds with judgment or just a complete lack of comprehension, then I feel embarrassed and really regret my own poor judgment in sharing with them. If they understand, then I feel better and can move on. I don't like the idea of someone dragging things out of me, although i'm not sure it's possible as I simply don't share what I don't care to.

The bottom line is that whether it is sharing problems or analyzing them for ourselves, if the activity is not to solve the problem or to decompress emotionally, then it is rehearsing it and making misery a habit.
 

ptgatsby

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Any comments or insights on this topic? (You can even venture outside of the gender angle to examine depression in general, if you'd like...)

I didn't know this was news... :D

From what I remember, the theory goes that talking reinforces the actual situation, working your mind up into a frenzy rather than dealing or coping with it. One of the reasons why therapists work and friends do not is because friends agree with you to make you feel better... but it reinforces the issue in your mind, making the stress a part of your life. It strips away the ability to deal with it at a practical level.

Females have two major traits differences that make this affect them more; they are programmed to share in order to bond and they are more emotionally reactive.

The first causes them to share more than is healthy - one of the comments in the article says something along the lines of "we wouldn't do it if it hurt us", followed by an explanation of how females share to bond. That's exactly it - it's group suffering in order to bond, but that pushes the boundries compared to men, who do bond under the same conditions but don't have the drive to share. Females are also more emotionally reactive (ie: more likely to express/release emotions, to swing up and down and to feel emotions more intensely), although they still span the same range as men. This means that when they talk about their problems, they will tend to work themselves up and have a disportionate emotional reaction (either compared to men, or compared to women who don't talk it out).

From memory and not really validated...

The short answer;

+Women reinforce their problems.
+Women have a stronger emotional reaction
+Women bond through sharing of problems
+Women need to bond
+Women tend to agree with each other to support each other (see bonding!)
= Excessive negative reinforcement + lack of objectivity and problem dealing.

It's all relative though - while women are more likely to do this, especially at a young age, men can get themselves into that situation. My brother is currently in this cycle right now. He cut off his friends because they were telling him he was a idiot and stuck with those that put up with his stupidity. That has reinforced it to the point where he transformed himself from a tough guy into a quivering mess of jello.

And it reminds me of my GF - she was baking yesterday with plans to bring it in to work. After finishing it all up, waiting for it to bake, she went to remove the banana loaves from the oven - except they stuck and she couldn't get them out. She wasn't happy. However, it was only when I tried to console her that things got worse. She went from being irritated to crying, from stupid pans to the world hates me.

It doesn't help that both of them are emotionally reactive to start with... but it makes them serve as perfect examples!

The mistake is to generalise the theory to all females - even though teenager females are probably the worst of any group I could imagine, which is why it probably showed up strongly there. Teenager males doing this aren't exactly considered very manly...
 

Natrushka

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Interesting, and from what I've seen among some women I know, makes sense. I didn't vote, however - I don't talk about my stuff with other girls / women. I don't usually talk about things with anyone until I've thought about them to the point of knowing what I was going to do / not do. I'll tell people later that I had this problem, or that issue, or that something was bothering me, but always AFTER it's been dealt with.

[OT]PT, you're scaring me. We had a Banana Muffin Melt Down here last Sunday. [/OT]
 

ptgatsby

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[OT]PT, you're scaring me. We had a Banana Muffin Melt Down here last Sunday. [/OT]
[OT]
I don't know why I find this funny, but I think it would be hillarious if an INTP and an INTJ were going out, posting at the same forum, but both are so private that the details they give out are changed enough to not quite let the other know... and that they kept getting freaked out because "that just happened to me too, sorta!"... while talking to each other. Talk about being unaware :D Oh, we had muffins that didn't turn out either, FWIW.[/OT]

(You aren't, right? :huh: )
 

Totenkindly

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I don't know why I find this funny, but I think it would be hillarious if an INTP and an INTJ were going out, posting at the same forum, but both are so private that the details they give out are changed enough to not quite let the other know... and that they kept getting freaked out because "that just happened to me too, sorta!"... while talking to each other.

Do you like Pina Coladas?
 

cafe

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Overall, I tend to feel better, but I can see how, taken to extremes or discussed with the wrong kinds of friends, it could make you feel worse.
 

Aven

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I think this might actually be somewhat true for girls who confide in female friends....I am not sure, I have mostly male friends and most of the time when I talk to them about stuff I feel better.
Maybe because we try to find a solution.
 

heart

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Overall, I tend to feel better, but I can see how, taken to extremes or discussed with the wrong kinds of friends, it could make you feel worse.

ITA on your statement.

In the past few years, it has been my husband who makes me feel better after talking about my problems with him. He is very good at helping me to see when I am getting off track or being too hard on myself. He's come a long way in seeing that I am not looking for him to immediately come up with some solution, just need a good sounding board some times.
 

Littlelostnf

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Interesting, and from what I've seen among some women I know, makes sense. I didn't vote, however - I don't talk about my stuff with other girls / women. I don't usually talk about things with anyone until I've thought about them to the point of knowing what I was going to do / not do. I'll tell people later that I had this problem, or that issue, or that something was bothering me, but always AFTER it's been dealt with.

[OT]PT, you're scaring me. We had a Banana Muffin Melt Down here last Sunday. [/OT]

I'm very similar. I have several really good girlfriends but I won't generally talk about anything unless I've already thought the situation/problem whatever thru. It's not until I have that I will go to my friends and let them know what's going on. I find it exacerbates the issue if I take it to a friend. Because we're so in synch with each other they generally know something is wrong and they offer quiet support anyway. If I do talk about a situation/problem while it's happening I find it's much easier to talk to someone who is not close to me (therapist) and can be objective.
 

niffer

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I usually just confide in male friends, because whenever I tell girls they always go "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO HORRIBLE I WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE BECAUSE (lists all reasons to feel horrible) THAT SUCKS DID YOU CRY? DID YOU CRY? POOR YOU!!!"

They don't clear things up regarding the actual problem/situation, they only confirm my sadness and the fact that I should be feeling sad. They just blab more and don't let me vent at all - except for when I'm actually crying or whatever and they just hold me, or calm me down. That does help, but that is usually what my male friends do.
 

Natrushka

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I usually just confide in male friends, because whenever I tell girls they always go OH MY GOD THAT'S SO HORRIBLE I WOULD FEEL HORRIBLE BECAUSE (lists all reasons to feel horrible) THAT SUCKS DID YOU CRY? DID YOU CRY? POOR YOU!!!
I just cringed for you, niffer. Ugh.


It's not until I have that I will go to my friends and let them know what's going on. I find it exacerbates the issue if I take it to a friend. Because we're so in synch with each other they generally know something is wrong and they offer quiet support anyway. If I do talk about a situation/problem while it's happening I find it's much easier to talk to someone who is not close to me (therapist) and can be objective.

What I don't want to hear from people when I make the mistake of talking about a problem / issue is how they all know how I feel, or tell me how they would feel. They don't know how I feel. And to be blunt, I really don't care how they might feel - especially not now! I used to find myself in that situation, before I learned the lesson, and I would feel myself put in a position where I would have to then say 'thank you' for 'understanding' or for feeling bad with / for me. Yeah, that really helped.

Now if I had some NT friends close a hand I might reconsider, but I am surrounded by SJs - both my and my husband's family (and my husband).
 

whiteraven

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excessively discussing problems with close friends -- appears to increase anxiety and depression in young and adolescent girls...

I also would prefer to talk to men about issues. But on further consideration, I wonder if it is men or thinkers with whom I prefer to discuss things and if this idea is particular to women or to feelers? And if it is feelers, if it is particular to SF rather than NF types or if they have considered other age categories? I work at the high school level and I think I know the group of kids to whom this applies, and the word excessive is key. Also, in my experience, they are not all girls. Maturity level does play a major role. From what I have observed, having the skill to not just talk an issue in circles, but to begin to work to find and implement solutions to an issue through discussion and relevant action builds confidence in a young person, which I would think would lower anxiety and depression.

WR
 

targobelle

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I don't have many girl friends irl, and I am quite shy and private when it comes to personal issues I would rather put on the brave face and pretend all is well.

But thankfully I was blessed with an amazing guy (who has the ability to piss me off and anger me just the same ;) ) He is patient and kind and listens well, he always wants to solve every issue of mine even if I don't. But he's learning how to be an ear and interject logic and objectivity into the situation and help me control my emotion, thus keeping emotional out burst at bay.

He is pretty good to me..... lol....
 

Sahara

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I don't find it depressing talking to my female friend (yes, just the one lol), infact when I feel low I phone her and I know that I will feel better. This could be because I really value her common sense, and when my flights of fancy are the cause of my misery, I can rely on her.

I feel more depressed when isolated and unable to seek some kind of understanding to whatever problems I have.

My triggers are not speaking with friends, or talking about bad past experiences, my triggers are music, and memories, and I need someone to offload onto before I can feel better.

Left alone I will have no choice but to supress those emotions, infact alone I am not very good at allowing myself to feel, I try to shut down completely, yet if talking to her I can actually release much better.
 

nottaprettygal

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Talking to my female friends usually doesn't change my mood. I don't find that they tell me anything that I haven't already thought of before.

Sometimes my mood will shift to "annoyed" though. For example, I could be talking about trying to eat healthier with my size 6, ESFJ friend, and when she commiserates and calls herself fat. . . well. . . that makes me feel like shit.

I don't want someone who pretends to understand me when they don't.
 

runvardh

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I'm still working on the retraction from saying much about my past. I'm pretty sure I've pulled all the lessons I can from it and am trying to move on. What's frustrating is when mother's day comes around and everyone asks me what I'm going to do for my mom and when I'm going to call her. The situation always results in me having to explain the situation which does get depressing; especially after the tenth time having to regurgitate it, ><
 
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