Bosses compliment to feel empowered in their role- positive reinforcement being a behavior shaping tool for their employees, and customer compliments on work typically fall under polite expectation in regards to the somewhat scripted conversation that follows the closing dialogue/appraisal on a particular job.
I do see plenty of this sort of thing, and don't have much patience for scripted interactions unless of a barebones utilitarian nature. Specifics can be helpful in making even these interactions productive, as they can be cross-checked with other sources of information for accuracy and utility. Compliments, or more to the point, positive feedback, that goes beyond the bounds of these scripted interactions is especially meaningful.
I personally am pretty far on the "don't need to immediately connect with those in immediate environment" end of the spectrum (so much that I think "need for others to not feel constantly connected to me" is one of my stronger needs). As such, I can be really sensitive to whether someone is focusing on "what in this moment or person is beautiful or good" for the sake of itself, as means to satisfy the need to interact with/connect to others *or* if they're focusing on it to satisfy some attachment to be seen by others in this light. If someone is focusing on "what in this moment or person is beautiful or good" for the sake of itself, then they are less likely to take my need for space as a personal affront; that's generally what I'd consider coming from a place of authentic kindness (and the extent to which they are able to grant me the space without *needing* some specific reaction from me is generally the extent to which I consider their kindness authentic). But the latter - if they're focusing on "what in this moment or person is beautiful or good?" more for identity reasons (wanting to be seen/known as someone who focuses on that), then they're likely (probably not even on a conscious level) to 'need' some kind of reaction from me to validate their self-worth and/or feelings, and that feels more like a veneer of kindness than authentic kindness; if someone is only being kind for the reflection they get back, that's garden variety narcissism (not NPD caliber, but the kind most people experience). Authentic kindness takes a lot of emotional competence (cultivating awareness of one's own feelings and needs to such a level where a person doesn't ever blame others for what they're feeling). And it's not like anyone is exclusively one or the other (even Buddhist monks - who practice cultivating emotional competence literally every day - know that 'emotional competence' isn't some kind of plateau that can be reached where a person reaches a magical level of eternal imperviousness so much as it's a fallible muscle that can quickly atrophy if it isn't used), but individuals are pretty consistently seated in one general place on the spectrum.
The highlighted is an important distinction, and you explain it very clearly. Do you find it easy to tell which motivation is prompting someone to say something nice? I primarily think of compliments or "nice things" as gifts, given without strings or expectation of getting anything back. I know not everyone has that attitude, and some of the posts in this thread have done well in elucidating the different motivations behind them and what people hope to gain, consciously or not.
I think there might be a misunderstand due to tone... for instance, a person can say that same thing, but in very different ways. They could say it smiling, reassuring, honestly, or they could sigh and be visually annoyed, say it in a snotty tone of voice, and the sigh throughout the entire dinner. But maybe that's getting us off topic.
It's not off topic to the extent that it relates to how compliments/nice comments are received. I needn't try hard to imagine the disappointment or frustration of someone who offered a compliment or nice comment in earnest, only to have it fall short of the mark due to this sort of misunderstanding. I can't guarantee I am not guilty of this sometimes, but without feedback, I might never know.
Obviously people can say nice things for a variety of reasons, flattery, fakeness, manipulation, or what I find is usually the case - they just are kind and mean it.
I always assumed this last, or at least assumed that it was the primary motivation in social interactions (that is, excluding business, sales, etc. where there is some obvious material gain). This thread was inspired by my interactions with a friend who often writes off compliments as "they're just trying to be nice". To which I reply, "Sure, but that doesn't mean the compliment is untrue. No need to lie. It is too easy to say nothing."
I don't think it makes much sense to look into people's motives every time you get a compliment or kind thing said to you - it sounds like a paranoid response to be honest. The exception might be if you notice a pattern of flattery/fakeness in the person's communication, but you probably won't pick up on it right away. I usually observe whether people are consistent especially wrt to how their actions match up with their words.
Also, if someone is constantly giving you positive feedback, there is something wrong. Yoy can trust a friend who corrects you openly. Which isn't the same thing as attacks on character or tearing you down. But correction and criticism, so long as its constructive always makes me think the person is honest with me. Obviously constantly being criticized or contradicted isn't what you seek you relationships for either, but even in the case of someone constantly criticizing you, you at least know there is a problem, it's just that its systematic and a solution is not being found or even sought out.
Yes, a real friend will be honest with feedback, whether positive or negative, and will accept the same from you. This is extremely valuable, as a friend likely knows you well enough to offer detailed and constructive input.
It's easy to disguise abuse as constructive criticism though. It seems more trustworthy because it's easier to believe, but really, that's part of the danger of it, too: you believe it...when actually, you could be perfectly fine. It's very easy for it to lead to a psychological "scarring" or a pattern of constantly picking apart your flaws and striving for a goal of perfection that you'll always perpetually fall short of. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, or "not being good enough" regardless of how hard you try. It can lead to feelings of inferiority, particularly in relation to the person offering "constructive criticism" (which it may not actually be despite being disguised as such, and even if it genuinely is, it can still be toxic when it's excessive...and whether it's excessive probably varies according to the individual). Often times, those corrections are actually just subjective preferences, also, and it's simply that the person isn't allowing you to be yourself because they personally prefer that you're some other way they like more instead.
Furthermore, constructive criticism that you mention here is essentially a form of negative reinforcement. People can give positive reinforcement corrections as well though, which saying nice things would be one possible component of / tool in. This is how cats are trained, actually, and negative reinforcement doesn't work on them the way it does on dogs. Despite this, the positive reinforcement is how you can train them to stop doing negative behaviors. I honestly think a lot of people work this way as well...some responding better to positive reinforcement, that is. I also think each of them may be more appropriate, effective, or suitable, depending upon the situation. For instance, you wouldn't use negative reinforcement / constructive criticism when people are being uncomfortably tense and awkward guests at a dinner party.
Just another version of the carrot and stick technique. People may find the carrots more pleasant, but as you and others say here they can be even more effective in shaping the behavior of others, even when not in their own best interests. This is why it is always important to consider the content of compliments as well as criticism carefully, and cross-check it with other feedback, what you know about yourself, and what is important to you. This can be especially difficult in abusive situations where a person is often cut off from this other input in various ways.
I've been told that I can be a bit 'host-like' in real life. I do say things such as the bolded- even minor 'feedback' like that seems to put people at ease. In real life, I can be stiff/cold/stern to the point of being intimidating (as a default), and adding simple little things like that I notice really lets people ease themselves and converse, speak up more easily. People also comment on it- they will comment on how dry or scary (etc) I seemed, but that I was 'surprisingly nice and polite', which allowed them to relax.
Why do I do this? It's a very fair and easy middle ground of not being entirely off-putting to everybody without expending so much social energy from myself, that I can sustain.
This is interesting, and puts some specifics on advice I have been given, albeit in a generalized form (e.g. part of leadership training at work) vs. being told individually based on my own demeanor. That advice was to make an effort to be socially warm, to avoid appearing intimidating or stand-offish. Of course, that begs the question of what constitutes "socially warm". Yes, I really do ask dumb questions like that, and I really do listen to the answers. This sort of thing comes naturally to some people, but can be learned by anyone with the desire to do so. I have also found that common courtesy, even formal politeness, can be a good way to maintain social distance without coming across as rude.
I will specify further however, notice that I bolded only two out of your three sentences. I can only speak for myself- things such as, "I'm sure it wasn't your fault," "I'm sure he meant well," "I'm sure she isn't mad at you," "I'm sure the XYZ will turn out well," are things I don't say, unless I have basis for it. I'm more likely to say something like: "You have worked diligently on this and practiced well. You have a good chance of succeeding," "Remember the things you have revised. You have prepared much- it will serve you well,"
I can't sacrifice accuracy in my speech, and when I receive such things from other people my response is generally, "You can't know that," When I tell someone I am glad they have arrived, or that they did something I appreciate, etc- as clinically and as deadpan as I say it, I mean it.
Well, there are no guarantees in life. I do try to back up any statements like the highlighted with reasons, at least, so the other person knows I am not saying it "just to be nice". I can easily be wrong, but I can also usually assign a reasonable confidence level to my assessments.
Adding even more specifics so that it makes more sense and you will have context, I know many people have seen me be very jolly on discord, and some have seen my upbeat presence / manner of speech in discord vc. That is specifically in my 'interacting / socializing' mode. I'm not always like that, and people who catch me out of it (which what the vast majority of people in real life do) will just see a very formal, even standoffish person- a lot of people have difficulty approaching me initially, thus the need to take on ways of combating that that I can sustain- I consider being cordial and polite a fair thing to expect to be able to do, especially because it doesn't demand much of me in terms of energy.
As I mentioned above and as I experience myself, politeness and cordiality work in one's favor on two levels. It is commendable that you are aware of this, and willing to adjust your "default" interaction style to achieve more optimal results for all involved.
Did you mean I hadn't included these, or that this was all I had included?
I meant that your previous remarks excluded pretty much everything
but this.
Most importantly however; if I do comment (compliment or criticism) I try explain it and tie it to something they are actually doing. It's part of what makes it (or what drives it to being) 'objective'- it's more of an assessment if anything. "If you study well, you may get good grades," "If you control and process your anger before conversing with your friend, the conversation will likely go better,"- I'm more likely to say those things than standalone comments like, "You study very little- you're uneducated," or "You're very belligerent and unpleasant,"- in my mind, these things aren't helpful and are more likely to be, and be perceived as an attack on the person's character rather than a compliment or comment on their capabilities.
Exactly. Comments like that, even if accurate, don't give the other person much to work with. As you say, it is best to tie the comment to something they are actually doing, and explain as clearly as you can what they are doing right or wrong. It can be very frustrating to receive criticism that does not include an explanation, especially if it pertains to something one is really struggling to improve at. That is no better than a complaint, and often worse.
Finally, writing this reply gave me another relevant thought. Yes, my initial reaction, as to other posts here, was "I like this post", but I would not say so in those words. Why? because it seems to be an empty comment. I instead skip to the reasons why I like the post, and explain that instead. I've been told sometimes that obscures the complimentary nature of the comment.
