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Weird Feeling when People "leave" you

GargoylesLegacy

Kickin' Ass since 1984
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Hello again, fellow MBTI-lings
I have a Question, based upon my personal Experience, and I was wondering if Somebody has the same or an Explanation at least. So here it goes:

Imagine you have a Friendship with Somebody and you get along well. Then Something happens between you (it can be ANYTHING) and one Person "leaves", do you have a weird, unknown "Feeling" left too?

It does happen to me all the Time. I am a Friend of Some1, a Girlfriend, Familymember or whatever and then Something happens and it breaks. You stop talking to each Other. Then I get this weird "Feeling" of..."I gave Something away" or...IDK, just Something really bothering. Does Any1 have ANY Idea about what that could be? Because I have been puzzled about this for quite a While now. And in Order to fix the Problem, I need to know what the Problem is. So...I would really appreciate any Theories, no matter how weird they might sound.
 

Dwigie

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I experience this also, I feel that "*sigh*It's too bad, I wish we didn't end that way", kind of disappointed I had to let go of someone I cared about. It's very similar to nostalgia, it's nostalgia because I rarely try and fix a relationship I myself broke.:blink:, I don't really consider the option of going back, missed opportunities will simply play inside my head.
If I ended a relationship it's for a good reason and I don't let a "fleeting feeling" get to me.
If the other person leaves, it's the same but I feel disappointed to not have lived up to their expectation and ashamed I've hurt them because they left for a good reason I suppose?
I'm assuming all the "departures" are done with a good reason?
 

Edgar

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Usually, I'm the one who does the leaving, so I can help you with the other side of the equation should you ever feel curious.
 

GargoylesLegacy

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If the other person leaves, it's the same but I feel disappointed to not have lived up to their expectation and ashamed I've hurt them because they left for a good reason I suppose?
I'm assuming all the "departures" are done with a good reason?
Hm, that is a really interesting Theory. Not filling the Expectations.


Edgar said:
Usually, I'm the one who does the leaving, so I can help you with the other side of the equation should you ever feel curious.
Yeah, normally I am on that Side too. Maybe that IS actually the Problem.
Even if...then I get that too. It's odd.
But sure, please let me hear how you feel after leaving Some1! I only know how I always feel so, I would be very curious on Views by other Persons (my Friends can't really help me on this. They dun even seem to understand, IDK *shrugs*).


It "feels like" I'd have only a few "Split Tickets" and then when I have to give one away you get this...mixed Feeling. I guess it is Something between Regrets, Disappointement and also Paranoia. Because I noticed that the first Thing I will assume after is, that People will go and spread Lies about me, because I "was sooo mean to leave them" or whatever. Does that even make any Sense? :shock:
God, this is REALLY hard to describe, I swear. :huh:
 

Edgar

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Hm, that is a really interesting Theory. Not filling the Expectations.



Yeah, normally I am on that Side too. Maybe that IS actually the Problem.
Even if...then I get that too. It's odd.

It "feels like" I'd have only a few "Split Tickets" and then when I have to give one away you get this...mixed Feeling. I guess it is Something between Regrets, Disappointement and also Paranoia. Because I noticed that the first Thing I will assume after is, that People will go and spread Lies about me, because I "was sooo mean to leave them" or whatever. Does that even make any Sense? :shock:
God, this is REALLY hard to describe, I swear. :huh:

Well it all depends on how the thing went down (i.e. under what circumstances you were "left")
 

miss fortune

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I tend to do the leaving myself, or it's mutual and I THINK I was the one who left :doh:

However, I tend to move rather quickly and only the most persistant friends seem to stick, and they're the ones who don't tend to leave. I had an ex who told me I was only good at two things, one of which was leaving people (and in the end him).
 

phoenix13

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Maybe it's the lack of closure which offends your "J-ness". Do these relationships end spontaneously or do you both talk to eachother and choose to end it?
 

Dwigie

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Yeah, that is true. Not having closure feels strange.
Oh yeah I always get the "you're so mean" too, ignore that :tongue:. It's just because you felt like you were wasting your time or that it wasn't working out and you did something about it. Often, people who are "active" in relationships get blamed for what happens when it turns bad.
 

GargoylesLegacy

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Maybe it's the lack of closure which offends your "J-ness". Do these relationships end spontaneously or do you both talk to eachother and choose to end it?
Gee...yeah maybe that's actually it. I HATE when there is no Closure. I really do. ô.o

Oh and mostly the Relationships end "spontaneous". You know, first you are perfectly fine, then some weird Things changes and it all blows off.
I mean when I leave Some1 "spontaneous" this Thing can happen too, but mostly I only leave Persons after a real "Emergency" and mostly I always think about it for a while first. But when others just randomly do for some stupid Reason, you can't REALLY be prepared (even if you "knew" for Weeks, as in 6th Sense or so).

Do you actually have Experiences with "J-ness" and such Things (not being able to close properly)?


Well it all depends on how the thing went down (i.e. under what circumstances you were "left")
Oh Gee...different Stuff, really. But often it has been random. Everything was fine and then all of a sudden BANG - gone.
Or what is also classy is that you have been Friends forever and all of a sudden the other is reeeeally annoyed by a Quality of yours (even tho before he didn'T complain about it for Years).
When I leave, then it is mostly me just being superannoyed. For Instance when People seek my Help and I work my Ass off to help them, but then even after Years they dun do Anything about it but complain. Classy, really.

Often, people who are "active" in relationships get blamed for what happens when it turns bad.
Oh Gee, yeah!! Tell me about it! I would constantly work my Ass off, talk to People and make sure Stuff is clear and in the End I would hear "You never did anything". Doh!
 

GargoylesLegacy

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Lol, an INTJ not understanding his emotions.:smooch:
*cough* Yeah well, this is one of the only ones I didn't understand until now. But I think Phoenix brought up a good Theory there.

I just need to know what the Problem is, before I can solve it. No? =p
 

kaboom

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It is a form of grieving. You can grieve anything or anyone to varying degrees.
 

King sns

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It is a form of grieving. You can grieve anything or anyone to varying degrees.

That's right.. thats what happens when you experience ANY loss... not just a death. Its not as intense of a feeling, but its the same thing to some extent.

And nobody likes not having closure.
 

kaboom

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That's right.. thats what happens when you experience ANY loss... not just a death. Its not as intense of a feeling, but its the same thing to some extent.

And nobody likes not having closure.

Yes. I have to agree that even for me...a strong P...closure has it's place.
Not to get too personal or touchy feely but I am a widow with many unanswered questions about my husband's death. That lack of closure impedes the grieving process. I can not put him to rest so to speak....I can not work through the loss effectively. Instead, I am in a circling train of thought ...a snake eating it's own tail.

When you lose something or someone that is part of what your brain has decided is a permanent part of your life....and it happens with little understanding...it makes it harder to just get on with things. You feel that nag to have those questions answered and to know why you are no longer getting the stimulus that the missing element provided.

This is on top of the actual missing of whatever was lost.
 

Night

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Sure.

Phantom Friend Syndrome.

When personal investment eclipses closure.
 

Jack Flak

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I define the feeling as guilt. Even though it may be completely unjustified, the emotion is the same.
 

Night

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I agree, Jack.

Almost like feeling a sense of obligation to fulfill the expectations you had for yourself at the relationship's onset.

The guilt stems from not being able to reconcile what you expected with what happened...
 

cherchair

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It is a form of grieving. You can grieve anything or anyone to varying degrees.

Absolutely. Sometimes it's intense and sometimes not so, but it's a naural part of almost any loss. It's worse for me when I don't understand the reason for the loss.

Ex: Some years ago I acquired a physical disability *and* all my friemds disappeared from my life. The injury was one of those random things, so that drove me nuts because there was no reason behind it; it just happened.(I'm not one of those ppl who thinks everything happens for a reason.) Took maybe a year to get through grieving the loss of the person I was before the injury. The loss of my friends was easier because I figured out they couldn't cope with the differences in me any better than I could at first. Didn't bring my friends back into my life, but it was easier to get closure since I could see the reason--or at least *a* reason--for their leaving.

Sounds like part of what is baffling you is not knowing the reason behind the departure?
 

GargoylesLegacy

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Oh Gee, so many Replies! Seriously, thanks for that, to Every1 of you. I am just happy I can bring such Stuff up here, because when I ask other Persons it's kinda...well, my Dad always goes with "Someday it will be better" kind of Thing (which doesn't really help me when I look for Reasons) and my one weird INTP Friend just said "I should drown my Sorrows in Drinks". Yeah uhm...VERY helpful, isn't it? :doh:
The only useful Thing he said was "Maybe you lose a Piece of your Humanity everytime". Uh, but that sounds pretty dark and somewhat emo and I do believe I am not THAT uh...strange.

So, what I keep reading is "not being able to close" (which I definitely hate and actually it drives me nuts), grieving and Guilt.
I do believe that I also found out - thanks to you all - that, since I am a freaking Perfectionist, it bothers me that now a Person has a "bad Opinion about me". Yeah, not very INTJ-ish but actually that has been quite a big Part in my Life. When I was younger I always had to be perfect. Probably it is still in here, somewhere. Woulc explain my "Paranoia" afterwards (me thinking People will start Rumours about me etc)


In any Way...thanks a lot so far. It's great that at least here People can help me out with Theories, while my Friends seem to not care as always. :rolli:
 
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