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What does 'empathy' mean to you?

Schrödinger's Name

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The title speaks for itself. What does empathy mean to you and what kind of role does it play in your life?

To me empathy always simply meant; being able to 'feel' what someone else is feeling, to feel sad when they are feeling sad, to feel hurt when they are, to understand (emotionally?) what they are going through etc,...
I always said that I was an empathetic person. Until I realized that I'm actually not that empathic at all, or at least not more than average and for feelings... Yeah no, after a few experiences I can say that I probably don't always feel that much for other people.
I liked to portray myself that way because it is seen as a positive trait. (Though I really believed that I was emotionally empathic) Or I can at least say that I have been misusing the word 'empathy' for a while now. (And I believe many people do this too)

Until I learnt about the different types of empathy. Now before you continue reading. Just answer what empathy means to you. When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?
What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?
Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?

(Note; you don't have to answer all these questions of course. They are just 'indicators'. Feel free to write whatever you want. Or add some questions too. My last question would be -after you've written down your own story- to read about the different types of empathy. Which one fits you the most, is it a mix,... What kind of empathy do you like to see in others? )

I just think it's very interesting to read how everyone experiences this. Since I personally think that I don't feel a lot, or not as much as other people seem to (or maybe they are all exaggerating too, I really have my suspicions about this, since I have seen a lot of self-proclaimed 'empathic' people say the most idiotic/harmful stuff). I can recognize it when someone is in pain, I like helping others, to listen to their problems. But it never occurred to me that thinking "Awh crap, that must be so painful," isn't the same as actually feeling their pain/sadness. :')




Now that I have thought about it... There is a certain type of empathy I feel very strongly. Named; vicarious embarrassment (secondhand, empathetic, or third party embarrassment). And sometimes not even because the person is embarrassed... No, because I think that what they are doing is embarrassing. Please stop, I am feeling awkward. x)



I hope this thread makes sense. Since I feel like it really doesn't anymore. :mellow: But I spend too much time on writing this post, it would be such a waste of my time to just delete all of this. I had a purpose when I started typing but I kind of lost it along the way, maybe you guys can find it.
 

Earl Grey

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When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
Empathy is very emotion-oriented, something I have difficulty pointing out, especially in real-time. I would say that the last time I 'felt' I was empathetic was when I was exercising compassionate empathy for someone over the phone around a week ago.

What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?
I may not be one, but I have friends who are. The way I see it, is that it seems as if- if a person has an 'aura' (like a force field) around them, empaths are more receptive to the 'auras', getting affected by them as well. A friend describes it as rewarding- she can 'see' problems that other people cannot, but at times it is troublesome because it can be draining, or lead her to 'over-help' where maybe it would have been better to hold back.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
I'd say an easy way is if they've gone through something I've also gone through before, but otherwise, I'm not sure what makes me empathic towards someone. I don't assess myself as particularly empathetic in the daily sense of it.
How? Sometimes it passes by, and blips up like a radar system. It 'ding's at me and I see something, but like a radar, it is faint. I usually take time to discern what it is. I can see 'something is there', but not what. It makes me give them more attention, and allows me to act faster, especially if I can see and do understand its urgency.

Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?
Empathy is a long-distance friend who I sometimes think should visit more often.

Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
I think most people think they can feel others' pain. There is no way to truly feel what another is feeling, maybe emulate and understand it, but emotions can't be airdropped like a file through bluetooth. Can they feel my pain? I do not know, but I'd hope not.

When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
Leave me alone. That is all, and is very simple to do.


I like the information in OP, [MENTION=39622]ThisName[/MENTION]. I think somatic empathy is most common, though underrated and unnoticed. Let me explain. No matter your relationship with the person, if you aren't a psychopath (or a very, very desensitized doctor), you'd wince if you saw their toes being crushed to pieces.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Part of its foundation is a focus on understanding over judgment. Judgment evaluates how a person, behavior, observation fits into our constructs of morality and reality. Judgment expresses the perspective of Self. Empathy has to do with feeling alongside someone, but it's more than just mirroring a surface emotional response. It is much to easy to see an emotional response and then reapply it in our own context for feeling and assume "I know how you feel" when nothing could be further from the truth. That is like someone seeing a person crying when their wife just died and so they start crying and saying they understand because they cried when their hamster died last week. It has to do with being able to create frames of reference that are outside of our own to actually mirror the frame of reference of another person. Emotional responses are the final outcome of much deeper perspectives. Empathy is having some sense of that deeper perspective, although it could be argued that one human can never full conceive of another person's frame of reference, so empathy is about degrees and not an absolute on or off capability. It is always a shade of grey of perception on a continuum.

When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
I think when I go through divorces or breakups and don't leave with that much anger because I know the hurts and conflicts were never about me, but about their own lives, pains, assumptions, etc.

What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?
I don't think I will say "I am an empath", but that I have the capacity to choose to be empathic. I am empathic when I withhold judgment and stay open to observe in order to gain understanding. Strangely enough, that detached observation can pull one too far into the experience of another, making too many justifications for their behaviors because that is what they do. When you start to get your head around the mindset of another person, you also glimpse the experiences that caused their pain, the manner in which they justify their current behaviors, and how their sense of reality, even when it is quite warped, can actually make sense. It feels like I need to be very cautious of people and observe from a greater distance, so that I can maintain multiple frameworks and perspectives.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?

I feel most empathic when I feel their pain, however I will start with a contrasting example. I used to go to a specific park to walk because it helped me feel better to pass the dogs going on walks there. They were generally very happy dogs with good owners, and particularly happy on the walks. I could feel that silly lightness, and remember that the world and the moment can be a happy place.

In a professional context I demonstrated successful empathy when playing my instrument for the ICUs in a hospital - I was hired to do it because of experience. I played for families while their loved ones died and would feel a tidal wave of emotion in the room. I remained quietly playing, but would look people square in the eye and at some point say a sentence expressing respect for the beauty of their loved one. People would form attachments to me in that environment in response to the quiet, but full acknowledgement of their pain and the significance of the moment. I had some opportunities to play for their memorial services, have individual phone conversations and such after the passing of their loved ones. What triggers my empathy is usually the pain of another being, but it is about respect and not reframing it based on my own. I do think most human beings experience a great deal of pain, and so suffering makes up the majority of existence when taking into account most experiences. I can misread initially those without much pain in their backgrounds because I have encountered enough that I tend to have that as an initial judgment or assumption.

I would say that I try to maintain respect for NOT assuming that I feel everything they are feeling. I would never ever say to someone "I know what you are feeling". For me, empathy is the ability to glimpse the ocean of another human being to get a sense of the long history, the complexities, the dichotomies, the pain, the assumptions, the warped-ness or clarity, and then allow it to be the same way one would allow the ocean to simply be when observing it. It also has to do with not having any investment in controlling the person - the moment one attempts to control, they impose self on the other. In the same way one wouldn't think to try to control the ocean by saying, "have less waves, turn another color, change temperature because you have no right to be so cold", in a mindset of empathy there is not a sense of imposing. Although when one glimpses cruelty, there is a recoiling to back out of the person back into the self to impose boundary and judgment.


Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
My sister is empathic and a few professional therapists I've met are empathic. Sometimes I expect people to be more empathetic than they are and end up getting hurt, so in that case I was also placing a personal framework judgment, although a positive one. I feel particularly not understood in this world - to a point that I'm often gobsmacked.

When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
I recently encountered a very innocent, but frustrating reaction. I came into work after giving my father vitamins and he still has a cold, so he is coughing a lot, but he already has swallowing struggles because of his vascular dementia which has damaged his motor cortex. I have a lot of painful things to process in my life right now, and a kid at the store mentioned what a nice day it is and that everyone is happy. He asked how I'm doing, and I said "I'm alright, kinda the same 'ol same 'ol." He said, "You should be happy", and I said, "Well it is a beautiful day.". It's really not okay to tell someone what emotion they should be feeling, because you don't know what their life is like. I don't reject any emotions, but see each as a different color and I care more about having my emotions express the truth of my life than forcing myself to be happy. It is also a problem when people try to give me their "quick fix" out of a negative emotion. It is extremely patronizing to someone with pain to treat them like they never thought of some simple solution. Whether it is physical or emotional pain, a person who has struggled with it for a long time has already thought of and tried everything to get out, so when Joe Schmoe comes up and hears there is pain, his quick fix he figured out in five seconds isn't going to help (people do often share how they fixed their own negative emotions, but it still can be disrespectful to make a quick assumption that it will help - it's like the hamster and wife death I described above. The strategies for feeling better about losing your hamster may not apply to losing your wife). There is a kind of extreme arrogance to even think it could. When people tell me what to feel, when they tell me they know what I'm feeling, or they give me the quick fix out, it is frustrating and of no real use to me, even though I know those intentions are innocent and I try to use them as a reminder that some people haven't had trauma, so that part can be reassuring.

When I'm in pain I prefer to have people listen without judgment or trying to give me their quick fix.
 

Maou

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I only have cognitive empathy, and probably somatic empathy. It is very hard for me to feel the pain of others, unless I have gone through the same thing. I can be compassionate in helping out, but that requires moral motivation, and not really based on feelings. I am a fixer.
 

Coriolis

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Cognitive empathy is what I experience, too. I usually don't feel what someone else does, nor would I want to. If someone is miserable, it does no good for me "to catch" that from them. What does good is for me to understand that they are in trouble, and to act on that understanding in accordance with my personal values and practical considerations to offer what help I can. I suppose this ties into what the OP called compassion, but I always considered compassion just a feeling or attitude, meaning it did not imply or require action. Action is something we decide to do based on our understanding of a situation, whatever form that understanding takes. In fact, feeling strongly about something without doing anything about it seems a waste of energy to me. On the flip side, I don't need to feel anything on an emotional level to know someone is in need, and to offer help because I am able to do so.
 

Peter Deadpan

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I have true empathy, but strong boundaries and thus control over to what extent I offer my heart to others. I watch emotionally provoking films and shows because it quenches an undying thirst for intense feelings, but in my day-to-day, I am fairly intentionally emotionally constipated, probably because I cannot stand to be truly hurt again. Indulging in feelings in a controlled and private manner (like TV or reading tragic news stories) is a form of surrogate expression of and healing for my own pain.
 
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In a general sense it’s something I find has left me over the decades and in it’s place blow the cold winds of apathy. However, for a select few it is still very alive. I think I’ve just learned to treat it like a precious resource that must be doled out sparingly. My ideals have taken a beating over a lifetime of living with real human beings.
 

Yuurei

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When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
Some friends of friends were feeling neglected, like I'd taken our mutual friends from them. I was annoyed at them for blaming me when it was really their own damned fault but I know very much what it's like to be excluded. So, I put on a party specifically to invite them. Immediately afterward they went right back to being their selfish, inconsiderate selves and I have refused to be in the same room as them since. Don't give a shit how they feel.


What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?

No idea. I've only heard about it second hand.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
When it's a situation I have been through and can relate. More than feeling badly, I remember how I solved the situation for myself and will try to use that experience to help them. But often times, people do not want a solution. They just want to wallow and I can't relate to that. So I tell them "Good luck" and move on.

Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?

Hmm...I would hardly say that I have a relationship with empathy, I guess, based on the above I would say it can be a helpful tool in learning how to deal with reality, like any other experience.

Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
Nope. I think people pretend to so they turn it around and make it about themselves. I know a person who claims to be empathic. She's incredibly obnoxious n this way. A few years ago my husband lost his job and crashed his car in the same day. She freaked out saying " Oh man I just remember when that happened to ME and it was so terrible" and while everyone was trying to help him she just stood in the , going on about how "stressed out" it made HER. You know the type-who needs that shit?

When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
"In pain" that sounds a bit dramatic. I prefer them to shut the fuck up about their own problems and just let me deal with it. But I do get pissed when people dismiss my problems. You can be supportive without coddling or worrying. yeah, something like that.
 

Saturnal Snowqueen

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My empathy is decent I think. I'm most empathetic though if I can relate to what someone's going through. I have a thing for underdogs. Also I don't necessarily have to have gone through the thing, but rather relate to what personally made them upset. Like if I'm watching a sad dog movie, I'll get upset because I have a dog. Something that happens to me a lot is being empathetic cause of the "feel" of the room. Like if there is yelling, I feel bad for the person getting yelled at because the tension of the room is intense. Usually it's the words too, but the first thing is the tension. Maybe this is my SP, but I'm good at empathizing because I worry that I'll go through the same thing. If someone goes through a natural disaster, I'll worry about that happening to me and an imaginary scenario will go through my head about me being in it. I'm not the mushiest person, but I try to be a good listener. As for myself, empathy feels awkward towards me cause I'm pretty private with my feelings. Respect my feelings though and give me an ear, and we're good.
 

The Cat

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When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
I don't stop. I don't know how to turn it off, so I do things like listening to music or wearing earplugs so I can focus on my breathing. Quiet the noise of the people around me.

What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?

Ilike being in the ocean on a windy day. Lots of waves and currents all pulling you in different directions. And through it all a certain pulsing rhythm like a symphony beneath the waves. It can feel like ecstasy or being torn to peices. Sometimes it feels like a jolt of electricity.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
I just can feel the people around me. Its like a kind of tangible aura. I can still myself sometimes and pick up on exactly whats bothering them. Im naturally tuned in to things people enjoy and pay attention to where they take their comfort. People in my experience arent subtle with their emotions they broadcast loud, if Im in a position to help. I do, otherwise, I tend to make myself scarce. Depending on the emotions being thrown around the aether, depends on how I handle it.
Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?
IT's long been one of my most usueful survival mechanisms. And reflexive talents. Ive always been an empath.
Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
Yes. Ive met a few others Its always a cool experience.
When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
I like to know I can have someone there for me as I have been there for others. I dislike the indifference when my need is upon me. But the main issue there is that I even hoped for anything in return. feels selfish.
 

Luminous

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Just answer what empathy means to you.
I guess at the basic level, empathy is holding space for other people, to be present with someone's emotions. Recognizing what they're feeling, not judging, taking their perspective.

When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
It's a common occurrence. It happens often, so earlier today.

What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?
This video shows how it feels very well:

I probably am one. And it can be a great thing. It can allow me to help people more. And to have a very rich emotional life. But, it can also be extremely difficult and overwhelming. If I am around people I care about very much who are going through very intense things, I can end up overwhelmed myself, and it's snuck up on me before, where I think I'm doing okay and then all of a sudden, I overflow. If I'm around someone who is negative nearly all the time, it's completely and totally exhausting to me. I really just can't do it. If I'm around nurturing people, especially someone else who is highly empathetic, the emotions can spiral upward instead of downward and it's wonderful.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
If it's someone I care about strongly already, if it's an underdog, if it's someone who is distraught in some way, or someone I can identify with. I'm not sure how to answer the 'how' question. Feelings happen. They just do. Perhaps a good answer is that I feel it physically and emotionally, and to a certain extent, intellectually. I'm likely to be more comforting. And I'm likely to have nonjudgment reinforced.

Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?
Some. Not that many. If most are capable, they don't take the time. It's possible that more people do than I'm aware of, but they don't actually communicate it to me. Those that do are especially dear to me.

When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
Well, I like them to react with empathy- with an attempt to take my perspective, with understanding, without judgement, with offer of comfort. With reassurance. Depending on the situation, possibly with advice, if they know me well enough to know what would be helpful.

I hate being told my feelings are wrong. I hate being condescended to. I hate having someone misunderstand and not take the time to actually understand, basically like an arrogant assumption, being blown off and not taken seriously.
 

Norexan

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When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?
When I loved some person. Better I didn't.

What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?
General understanding. Putting yourself in her/his shoes to understand big picture.

What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
I am trying to rationalize her pain, to see is it justify.

Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?
When I see some people don't want to understand someone's personality and instead accepting they choose violence and condemned. And to be more worst then that they are so persting in their own stupidity, never see obligation what they do to people. I found very difficult to track somebody's emotions, I cannot see what is their mind when they are irrational and clear drive into own their madness.

Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?

Well, look at this world! Everybody is the judge and nobody want to understand people and to accept who they are. All what they have is a false sympathy and pity when they throw you into mad and then want to be your hero as the way of their redemption. No responsibility towards destroy lives and innocents. Nothing. And what is worst they proud of it.

When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?
I hate when somebody throw my emotions as a joke. Because my emotions (except rage) are rare but sincere. :)
 

StrawberryBoots

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[Just answer what empathy means to you. When did you feel/were you empathic for the last time?]
To me, empathy means I've been through similar life experiences as someone else; as a result, I can fully appreciate, understand, or intuit their feelings.

[What does it mean to be an empath? What does it feel like?]
I suppose, being an empath means one has a natural ability to imagine themselves in someone else's place, intuiting their feelings with a high level of accuracy.

[What makes you empathic towards someone? 'How' do you feel what they are feeling? What do you feel, exactly? How does it influence you reactions and your way of thinking?
Any examples, a (short) story of how you would describe your 'relationship' with empathy?]

I was bullied in middle school. In high school, I would hide out in secret, secluded places in the school during lunch, so I didn't have to associate with my peers anymore. Now, I feel like I recognize when others are struggling with something similar, which leads me to help.

Also, I was in a car accident where I was alone, bleeding profusely from my head, and I didn't have a cell phone to call for help. I was at the mercy of a brave samaritan that could look beyond the horror to help me slow the bleeding with his shirt, and he called an ambulance. I was so grateful to him for stopping to help me. Now, I'll put myself in harms way to help someone; I would describe it as instinct before rationalizing the dangers to myself. I wasn't that way before the accident.

[Do you think people really are that empathic? Can they feel your pain?]
I do think there are naturally empathic people.

[When you are in pain (emotionally) how do you like others to react? What kind of reactions do you dislike?]
This is a tough question. I can't properly answer right now.
 

Luminous

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I have an additional question: Would y'all rather have a different amount of empathy than you currently experience? Would it be better? Make you happier?
 

Coriolis

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I have an additional question: Would y'all rather have a different amount of empathy than you currently experience? Would it be better? Make you happier?
I don't see any benefit to having more. I also wonder: if I had more of that (or otherwise had some significant change in my personality), what would the cost be? What would I be giving up as a result? No one is good at everything, and our strengths are balanced by weaknesses. I don't think any one of us really has it better than others on that count, only different.
 
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I have an additional question: Would y'all rather have a different amount of empathy than you currently experience? Would it be better? Make you happier?

More or less?

I wouldn’t want more. I think that’s why I’ve cast it off over the years. There’s an entire world of suffering outside. To dwell on that fact is unhealthy. Besides, I don’t need to be emotionally invested in humanity to realize that treating people well should be the default setting. I’m a huge proponent of do unto others.

Hope that makes sense.
 

Yuurei

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I have an additional question: Would y'all rather have a different amount of empathy than you currently experience? Would it be better? Make you happier?

Less. Every time I show empathy to someone else, they take advantage of me. So I'd rather have non at all.
 

Schrödinger's Name

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Woah, I am surprised by the amount of people that responded to this thread. I was honestly thinking about deleting it or to just vanish from this forum since I was kind of ashamed of the things I wrote, if that makes sense.

I was in such a weird mood when I made this thread. Afterwards I'm always like... Was that... really necessary? What the heck was I thinking to post something like this?? Did I really mean what I wrote? Do I still feel the same about it? (Hence why I am responding this late, I tried to avoid this thread for a few days. I was feeling kind of awkward. xd)

Anyway, I am going to go through the responses now. You're all thanked in advance.
 

Firebird 8118

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Woah, I am surprised by the amount of people that responded to this thread. I was honestly thinking about deleting it or to just vanish from this forum since I was kind of ashamed of the things I wrote, if that makes sense.

I was in such a weird mood when I made this thread. Afterwards I'm always like... Was that... really necessary? What the heck was I thinking to post something like this?? (Hence why I am responding this late, I tried to avoid this thread for a few days. I was feeling kind of awkward. xd)

Anyway, I am going to go through the responses now. You're all thanked in advance.

Awww... I know how that feels, been there way too many times in the past. You’re all right kiddo :hug: :heart:
 
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