Is it weird to miss being psychotic even though it was hell?

[Yuurei]

If it is how you've identified most of your life and that thing is now gone, it makes perfect sense. But you can build a new and healthier identity. Change is (usually) good.

 

[Pionart]

Mines wasn't from cognitive functions, though. It was from a previous mental illness that maybe is still.. around in my head. (C-PTSD)

But, sure, I'll describe it. It feels like for a moment that I can feel all feelings, starting from my fingers tips and traveling upwards, that I'm no longer real. And not only that, but the world that surrounds me seems distorted. Maybe the sound wavelengths become stretched, or more louder, or more quieter than normal. The colors become either more saturated or duller. People around me just seem like walking mannequins which really scared me when it happened back then. I can't move or even dare to unless I want to knock myself over, so it's safer if I just sit down. It feels like I'm getting ready to die but death is taking too long to come for me. So I'm just stuck here in a mental purgatory. If someone talks to me, I can't reply back. Because I'm convinced that none of this is real. That I'm not real. I experience blackouts and memory losses from these episodes. Nightmares may ensue during these blackouts.

Who am I kidding. I don't miss this at all.

Hmm yeah I don't think I experience anything like that.

There are some times where I need to sit down and find it hard to move though. It's like I'm trapped in indecision, and I want to move but can't find a reason to, so I go down some seemingly endless train of thought until finally at some point I find the impetus to get up and do something.* (I've made the joke that some days I need to figure out the meaning of life before I can get out of bed)

There are also some times when the colours in the environment suddenly become much brighter. I've identified that as being a sudden burst of Ne. Tobacco can do it too, as well as making the sounds in the environment more loud and full, though that's probably also related to Ne because I tend to use tobacco to cross from Se to Ne. Tobacco can also give me a tingling sensation especially in my hands.

Also there are times when the world around me doesn't feel real, as if I'm in a simulation, or the only person truly existing in a solipsistic sense. That's mostly happened during intense psychosis though.

So yeah, I can somewhat relate to it actually. At least regarding some of the constituent parts.

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* I'm reminded of the Bhagavad Gita, where Arjuna can't bring himself to enter into battle despite Krishna's many arguments, until finally being shown a vision which makes the correct course of action clear.