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  1. #1
    Talk to me. Merced's Avatar
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    Default Compulsive Volunteering

    For some reason, I struggle with the concept. Be it someone is asking for help with their homework to volunteering to take someone's shift when they mention they had plans. I think for me it's the feeling of making someone happy that fuels it, even if I end up regretting it later.

    How often do you volunteer for things? Why do you think that is? If it's too often, how do you do it less? and of it's not often enough, how do you do it more?

    And I guess it's inflation, but damn it's hard to value my two cents
    As a kid I was idolizing millionaires and all the presidents

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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    You're a e2, this is going to be difficult. But you have to start saying no. Have. To. Remember, e4 is growth for you - Service is important, but takes care of self too.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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  3. #3
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    I don't find saying no hard at all.

    In fact I really dislike being relied upon, I get no satisfaction from helping others out... like the people on my course who constantly seem to need hand-holding on every single assignment.

    Although, in my life I have been helpful to others because I wanted to be better at that aspect, but internally I never came to derive any pleasure from it.
    'One of (Lucas) Cranach's masterpieces, discussed by (Joseph) Koerner, is in it's self-referentiality the perfect expression of left-hemisphere emptiness and a precursor of post-modernism. There is no longer anything to point to beyond, nothing Other, so it points pointlessly to itself.' - Iain McGilChrist

    Suppose a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"
    "Suppose it didn't," said Pooh, after careful thought.
    Piglet was comforted by this.
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    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cellmold View Post
    I don't find saying no hard at all.

    In fact I really dislike being relied upon, I get no satisfaction from helping others out... like the people on my course who constantly seem to need hand-holding on every single assignment.

    Although, in my life I have been helpful to others because I wanted to be better at that aspect, but internally I never came to derive any pleasure from it.
    True. Nothing at all fulfilling or enjoyable about that.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  5. #5
    Squirrel! Hermit of the Forest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merced View Post
    For some reason, I struggle with the concept. Be it someone is asking for help with their homework to volunteering to take someone's shift when they mention they had plans. I think for me it's the feeling of making someone happy that fuels it, even if I end up regretting it later.
    I get it. I feel the pull. Interestingly, the thing that keeps me from getting overwhelmed so much is, well, already being overwhelmed. I have a hard enough time living up to my current responsibilities, so I don’t want to encourage people to depend on me just to fail them. The fear of that keeps me in check. Makes me think about whether the thing really matters to me enough to make it work.
    Chase the adventure. Cherish the joy.


    Cu·ri·ous
    adjective
    1. Eager to know or learn something.
    2. Strange; unusual.



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  6. #6
    Somber and irritated cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merced View Post
    For some reason, I struggle with the concept. Be it someone is asking for help with their homework to volunteering to take someone's shift when they mention they had plans. I think for me it's the feeling of making someone happy that fuels it, even if I end up regretting it later.

    How often do you volunteer for things? Why do you think that is? If it's too often, how do you do it less? and of it's not often enough, how do you do it more?
    Hmm. Maybe if you want to work towards more balance rather than compulsively say yes only to possibly regret, look at the bigger picture as to whether your help is actually doing them long-term good vs just enabling them in the moment or enabling them to not really address this element of themselves? The homework one is an 'easy' one if you think of it in this way -- sure, you are helping them in the short term/immediately, but in the long run are they building better habits? Are they truly learning the material that way? Why are they seeking you out vs their teacher? Does helping them get a better grade help them in the long run in knowing what they want to do or what they're good at?? etc etc.

    This enabling concept ties to all sorts of similar things. Sure, by all means, help a coworker if it's a one-off scenario and they're really in a bind. That's probably really kind and truly helpful. But do they have a pattern of taking advantage of you or others for covering shifts? Is it really not that serious and they're just preferring to do something else and hoping someone like you will pick up their own slack? etc.]

    (fwiw I'm the opposite of you in this respect (I have like zero e2 in me - so I recognize that you / e2's have a much different drive and need-base than I do); I think part of it is that I always look at the pattern / whether this is something that's truly needed vs them becoming more dependent or lazy or 'using' me)
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #7
    A Bittersweet Symphony... Eryn Silverfrond's Avatar
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    the struggle is real.
    With all due respect,
    Eryn Silverfrond;
    of the Gentleman Jacks.


    We're all Faery Tales; after a fashion,
    Our stories unfolding around us...
    and through us...

    Our Sky Father and our Earth Mother are dancing.

    Life is a chrysalis.
    The dreams of butterflies cocooned in the womb of becoming.

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  8. #8
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    I help those I care about, if it's worthwhile not enabling
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.
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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merced View Post
    For some reason, I struggle with the concept. Be it someone is asking for help with their homework to volunteering to take someone's shift when they mention they had plans. I think for me it's the feeling of making someone happy that fuels it, even if I end up regretting it later.

    How often do you volunteer for things? Why do you think that is? If it's too often, how do you do it less? and of it's not often enough, how do you do it more?
    Misplaced sense of duty or attempting to lead by example.

    Those two really account for all of it in my case.

    In another, very different sense, I'd like to be independently wealthy and therefore I could say that all my decisions to do anything would more truly be voluntary than they are at the moment.
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  10. #10
    Digital ambition Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    First of all I am from the place that doesn't really believe in volunteering as the English speaking world. On the other hand I keep personal matters at the distance in order not to get dragged into what often turns into a mess. Therefore I get into things mostly from the perspective of getting in and fixing it permanently for everybody or I do it if it benefits me (and doesn't brake laws). But if the person is really in trouble I help solve the "here and now crisis", plus I give small things to the poor all the time. However I don't ever do the heart in the sleeve type of volunteering, especially since it turned out that by keeping your head cool you generally have bigger chances to help people in concrete fashion.
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