[Type 9] The 9 and identity

[Adpako]

I have identified with the 9 for some time now.

But I wondered if some other nines struggle with identity issues? In the way that fours do?

I do think about my image a lot, and I want to feel like I am my own person. I feel like I have made myself into who I am today. And I really want to like the person I am. When I was younger, i tried to fit myself into my favorite characters in movies. I constructed myself.

But still, that is not what nines do? They don’t even think about this stuff, because they just merge? I don’t think I merge at all? Maybe I forget myself when I am with others, but not in the sense of melting into them. We are two different persons, and the thought of becoming like someone else scares the shit out of me, because I need to feel like I am ME, and not someone else!

I know that it sounds like I am a four. But I do not long after anything, I feel whole by myself. And I do not feel like i need to express my feelings. I prefer to just keep them to myself, and figure them out. Unless it gets so bad that I need help, then I spill them out.

Can I really be a nine, if this is what I feel?
Does someone relate?

 

[skippythecat]

I don't know much about enneagram as I'm still learning, but I did found a really good podcast on Enneagram 9. Here are my notes:

- 9SP can look 8ish-9
- 9SO can look 2ish-3ish
- 9SX can look 4ish-9; distracts themselves from pain through merging another person, often unconsciously. Sometimes they do know want they want and feel, but they make the decision to go with the flow to avoid discomfort.
- Character of not being assertive, more kind and sweet.
- Growth path: learn to be in touch with sense of self; make boundaries and recognize what I want vs what my partner wants.
- How do I figure what I want? Physical separation. 9s need to get comfortable with what they don't want to know what they want. Taking a leap to recognize they are important. Guess what I want?

The speaker did mention (in another podcast) that 9s are label "lazy" when it comes being in touch with their needs/wants, not necessarily go-getters (I know I can be a hard worker) . To me, it make sense since 9s unconsciously merge with others so the growth path is to separate oneself know what you want (emphasized in notes) while 4s are constantly in touch with theirs. As an introvert and 9sx, I do have a lot of moments when I focus heavily on my needs but I'm still not as outspoken as I'd like when it comes to separating myself from others. Also, I'm not really sure what they mean by merge but I took it as "your option is my option" kind of thing. I take on their identity and role which 4s find it repulsive. In my limited experience with 4s, they are very concern about separating themselves which is the opposite of 9s.

 

[BlackCat]

I never really feel like I'm losing myself when I "merge" with someone, it's just not something that occurs to me. When I'm talking to someone I inquire on how they're doing, what they're doing, their opinion on whatever, etc; then I input my own to keep things balanced. That's a habit I got into when I got more socially confident though... when you don't assert yourself and you lose yourself, you start to realize that things have no substance for you, and what you've been trying to uphold all along isn't working out. After burning yourself in false relationships and friendships, you learn a thing or two. What I'm trying to get at is, that I think maintaining a sense of self is important, and as a 9 feeling like I really know who I'm talking to is most satisfying. And balancing these two things is your key to happiness.

To answer for the sense of identity question you initially posed; I have never really questioned whether I've ever been authentic to myself. I feel torn between what I know I need to do and what would make the situation easier, so in some contexts, that can be disingenuous. Going along with others as opposed to going your own way. 9s need to realize that if they're around people who aren't okay with them bettering themselves, or doing things for themselves, they probably aren't your friends. It's only been in cases like this where I have done things that are disingenuous, but I realize the mistake and have fixed it for the most part... and now no longer do that.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I don't go with 9 as a core type but it's a strong fix in my tritype. 9w1 to be precise-- I'll admit, I'm not the most self aware person in the world. I want to learn as much about myself as possible but when it gets into uncomfortable territory, it gets skin-crawly. I want to stand on my feet, be my own person, but not wanting to upset others, it's like I'm being pulled in every-which direction. In the end, it's hard to know what I really want and I put it second after what's important, what other people want. I'm a very flaky decision maker due to this. I rely a lot on the perception of those who care about me as well as, I put my identity on things I am knowedgble about.

I also attribute my identity to my interests and artwork. My strong 4 wing with my 5 is at odds with my 9 but when it comes to social situations, the 9w1 dominates because I'm a chronic people-pleaser and hate rocking the boat. I take a lot of pride on not being like others and I don't want to be like others but the 9 pulls me in the opposite direction of this constant want. Fe+9 and having a 4 anywhere has this effect.

 

[misfortuneteller]

The only types that should be having identity issues should be the type 3. I don't know why type 9 is constantly linked to having no identity when most 9s are Fi doms.

Edit: It could be that people are confusing the need to not assert oneself with lacking an identity which is nonsense. Plenty of INFP 9s in particular have strong identities and this is why they keep mistyping as 4s.

 

[Norrsken]

I've always had a stable sense of self, but it does waver and accommodates people if I spend time with them long enough. The older I become, the more concrete my sense of self is, and the more I stop believing so much in other peoples' ideas if it goes against my morals. Growing up, I was just really laid back, always following loved ones around and letting them make all the decisions. I didn't minded. In fact, it's way mores stressful for me to take on the leadership role. The whole merging thing is something 9 sx goes through, not sure about soc or sp ones. I feel like all enneagrams go through something I have been through, relatively speaking, and this is also why 9's are the most wishy-washy people to mistype themselves a million times before finding their true types. Enneagram and MBTI and other typing systems, mind you.

 

[misfortuneteller]

I take what I said back. I believe that most 9s are in fact ISFJs which is undoubtedly where this lack of an identity+bland stereotype of 9s seems to come from. ISFP 9s are almost neck in neck with ISFJ 9s though and they rarely see themselves as other types while the INFP 9 is infamous for mistyping as 4.

 

[misfortuneteller]

- 9SP can look 8ish-9
- 9SO can look 2ish-3ish
- 9SX can look 4ish-9

I had to roll my eyes at this. So none of the 3 subtypes look like typical 9s then? This is why I don't take most of these subtype descriptions seriously anymore. I stopped listening when they said that the sx 6 is only counterphobic.