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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2017
    5w4 sx/so

    Question The 9 and identity

    I have identified with the 9 for some time now.

    But I wondered if some other nines struggle with identity issues? In the way that fours do?

    I do think about my image a lot, and I want to feel like I am my own person. I feel like I have made myself into who I am today. And I really want to like the person I am. When I was younger, i tried to fit myself into my favorite characters in movies. I constructed myself.

    But still, that is not what nines do? They don’t even think about this stuff, because they just merge? I don’t think I merge at all? Maybe I forget myself when I am with others, but not in the sense of melting into them. We are two different persons, and the thought of becoming like someone else scares the shit out of me, because I need to feel like I am ME, and not someone else!

    I know that it sounds like I am a four. But I do not long after anything, I feel whole by myself. And I do not feel like i need to express my feelings. I prefer to just keep them to myself, and figure them out. Unless it gets so bad that I need help, then I spill them out.

    Can I really be a nine, if this is what I feel?
    Does someone relate?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2013


    I don't know much about enneagram as I'm still learning, but I did found a really good podcast on Enneagram 9. Here are my notes:

    - 9SP can look 8ish-9
    - 9SO can look 2ish-3ish
    - 9SX can look 4ish-9; distracts themselves from pain through merging another person, often unconsciously. Sometimes they do know want they want and feel, but they make the decision to go with the flow to avoid discomfort.
    - Character of not being assertive, more kind and sweet.
    - Growth path: learn to be in touch with sense of self; make boundaries and recognize what I want vs what my partner wants.
    - How do I figure what I want? Physical separation. 9s need to get comfortable with what they don't want to know what they want. Taking a leap to recognize they are important. Guess what I want?
    The speaker did mention (in another podcast) that 9s are label "lazy" when it comes being in touch with their needs/wants, not necessarily go-getters (I know I can be a hard worker) . To me, it make sense since 9s unconsciously merge with others so the growth path is to separate oneself know what you want (emphasized in notes) while 4s are constantly in touch with theirs. As an introvert and 9sx, I do have a lot of moments when I focus heavily on my needs but I'm still not as outspoken as I'd like when it comes to separating myself from others. Also, I'm not really sure what they mean by merge but I took it as "your option is my option" kind of thing. I take on their identity and role which 4s find it repulsive. In my limited experience with 4s, they are very concern about separating themselves which is the opposite of 9s.

  3. #3
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    9w8 sx/sp
    SEE Fi


    I never really feel like I'm losing myself when I "merge" with someone, it's just not something that occurs to me. When I'm talking to someone I inquire on how they're doing, what they're doing, their opinion on whatever, etc; then I input my own to keep things balanced. That's a habit I got into when I got more socially confident though... when you don't assert yourself and you lose yourself, you start to realize that things have no substance for you, and what you've been trying to uphold all along isn't working out. After burning yourself in false relationships and friendships, you learn a thing or two. What I'm trying to get at is, that I think maintaining a sense of self is important, and as a 9 feeling like I really know who I'm talking to is most satisfying. And balancing these two things is your key to happiness.

    To answer for the sense of identity question you initially posed; I have never really questioned whether I've ever been authentic to myself. I feel torn between what I know I need to do and what would make the situation easier, so in some contexts, that can be disingenuous. Going along with others as opposed to going your own way. 9s need to realize that if they're around people who aren't okay with them bettering themselves, or doing things for themselves, they probably aren't your friends. It's only been in cases like this where I have done things that are disingenuous, but I realize the mistake and have fixed it for the most part... and now no longer do that.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)
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