[Type 4] Calling the Dauntless (E4 SP/SX)

[ghost owl]

I'm rather amused by this recently resurrected thread. I often wondered if I was sp/sx or sx/sp. My partner decided the latter and often teases me about being "so SX primary" but reading the initial post, the SP description is quite obviously resonant, and some of [MENTION=31348]Peter Deadpan[/MENTION]'s descriptions/references spoke to me forcefully as well, e.g., the after-work dinner situation. I can lash out spectacularly in bursts, but it is not at all my default mode (unlike some other 4s I know), which makes it have all the more force when it does erupt.

My adolescent niece, interestingly, is the same types as I am (4 INFP, not sure about the other details as she's still in flux). My family all comments on how similarly we behave except she lashes out a lot and I never do/did, even as a bitter teenager. I would always withdraw and turn those feelings in on myself. Without question, one of the most common adjectives people use to describe me is "kind" while at the same time I've had more than one person close to me say that when I get upset I am the most effective person in the world at making them feel unbearably terrible.

When faced with someone seeming to let me down, I can stuff it in, trying not to acknowledge my resentment as if that will somehow keep it from being real. My stubbornness is decidedly unhelpful here. I have particular fear of situations where my feelings make me feel "weak" so I will fold them away in an attempt to be strong and to prove that I can be just as strong or stronger than anyone else no matter how bad I feel (until I get to retreat to my own private lair, where I will melt down in spectacular fashion). I can have a lot of trouble asking for/accepting help (although I do display my vulnerability readily, I don't necessarily connect the dots for others about what it means I need). My family of origin imprinted many messages that "love is self-sacrifice" so I will often unconsciously think that by suffering for someone else without complaint I am showing love, and that if I complain or ask for more that is tantamount to not being "strong enough."

I find the instincts useful for intermittent consultation, but there are so many personal factors that collude to create behavior patterns that once one gets down to this level of detail there is a certain air of reaching for a clarity that isn't there. (Which is not to say that dipping into these waters is either useless or unenlightening.) E.g., stubborness, masochism, self-sacrifice, trying not to complain or be weak: all of these can have many sources. Personally, I can relate to all of the four stacking descriptions, even though I can be pretty oblivious to social rules, groups, and social dynamics in many situations, so always tend to put So last.

 

[Hiraeth]

One thing I have come to realize is that I am not really sure how others view me. I do tend to wonder if people dislike me, but it's more that I sort of assume that they do by hyper-analyzing their body language and tone and reading into things too much. Ultimately, I think that I actually have very little insight into how others actually view me and I am probably wrong more often than I am right. Part of me cares and doesn't want to be hated or judged negatively by others, and part of me is like "meh, I don't really even like the majority of you anyway." It's that whole "you have to be somewhat different for me to be drawn to you" thing. The duality of 4s is really interesting and actually quite fake when you think about it.

Which brings me to my next point: I relate more to 3 than I previously used to, but not enough to call myself a 4w3. The thing with 3s is that they are worried that their projected image doesn't match their real self and that people will "figure them out." At least that's how I look at 4s with a 3-wing. I do relate to this a bit, but I think the fact that I am constantly researching that which intrigues me, and in particular researching ways to better understand or take care of/express myself points more to the 5-wing. I cannot go a day without Googling and reading and learning and tweaking my perceptions and understanding of self and others. I'm also surprisingly private irl and extremely picky about who I let into my life, which frustrates people who think of me as a friend (when you work one-on-one with someone for a year or two, and they never show up to anything you invite them to, it probably feels a bit like they don't like you, but I just don't develop close bonds easily and am overly choosy about whom I want to dedicate time to).

I also think that my career struggles seem more in line with a 4w5, as I'm really not willing to sacrifice my authenticity in the name of "success." At the same time, I remain in a dead-end job that has sucked the life out of me because it provides me with the best financial outcome at the moment and I am also hard on myself in the sense that I feel that I need to try harder to "suck it up." I still have hope that I'll be able to break through these challenges, but deep down inside, I don't think that I can do it alone (without a lover) because I am so emotionally overwhelmed internally that I feel like I need to have someone to come home to and "melt" into. I need a rock.

I could go on and on, but I'll try not to talk about myself for too long

Hmm that's interesting. I relate to not knowing how others perceive me as well. I immediately think they probably don't like me as much I would believe, and so then I assume they wouldn't by default even if we somehow end up as friends. It's kind of odd how that works. I think it's because the shame part comes in, where we feel we aren't good enough for most people and so then we shouldn't hold ourselves in high regard. I also relate to that exact thinking about not liking the majority of people anyway, but for me it's kind of because I still want to be well received by others, yet I dislike them so it's like why should I care? It's a bit of a push-pull thing because it doesn't correlate with the deep authenticity of a 4. Or it's just wishful, unrealistic thinking on my part, that being different like myself would still have people looking up to me.

I don't worry about the authenticity thing that 4w3s would worry about though because I know who I am and feel others can get a good enough picture through how I dress and my overall style. I just can't say I'm a 4w5 because I don't have those basic fears of a 5 as much as a 3, yet I don't seem like a 4w3. All of my favorite artists are also 4w5s, and I can usually relate to them a lot more than most 4w3s. However, I don't feel like I would sacrifice inauthenticity for success. I always assumed the 'success first' belief comes from 3w4s rather than 4w3s. I've always pictured 4w3s as the people who'd want to be successful indie artists or earn achievement within a specific subculture or niche audience, which is what I relate to, but then I hear how 4w5s are into that instead, and so I keep tossing the possibility back and forth due to conflicting beliefs.

At first I've always tested as a 4w5, but then started testing as a 4w3 because I felt I wasn't being honest enough about achieving something one day. I have this image in my mind that I can 'make it' by being myself as long as I have the talent to display it, but it could be my naiveté that is making me believe it's a realistic pursuit lol. People have pointed out that I am stubborn enough to not give in and not commercialize myself, and I feel that seems 4w5 stereotypically at first glance, but I always attributed the authenticity thing to core 4s in general. I also am a very private individual myself to where my own family becomes surprised about certain aspects of myself that they didn't know of until I had decided to disclose it. I always keep my deeper aspects tucked away and hate talking about myself to other people (ironic because I'm doing it right now ).

Additionally, I like researching and googling things, but I'm not sure I'm a 'thorough' researcher like a 5 would be where I would understand in depth what I decide to look up, but maybe it's just an insecurity of mine where I think I don't know as I probably do. Although, I do find myself researching information constantly about certain bands I like and other kinds of artists I admire, as well as random tidbits of stuff I'm curious about knowing. I also like to include conceptual ideas in my artwork where it does take some background and research too, so maybe that is where the idea of a 4w5 comes from?

And yeah, I never felt that being in a relationship was necessary for me, but I think this is due to a large fear of me becoming too close to someone. The sx blindspot is very apparent in my life because I am not too close to people in general, even my best friends. I have the stoicism of an sp for that reason- that I don't need to depend on someone else emotionally and can do it on my own, so I don't reach out for help whenever possible. But then I realize that maybe it isn't very healthy and that I should try to branch out more, but it's definitely difficult because of how uncomfortable it is for me, so I'd rather keep people at a distance.

Anyway, that's fine because I already rambled waaayyy more than you did, despite how I admitted to hating doing so lol. It's cool though because it provides some insight into how we each relate to what variation of 4 we identify as, so maybe it can help us and other people out too.