[Type 1] Ask a 1w2

[EJCC]

If dating a/married to a e1 are there day to day minor things in general to e1s - and preferably limited to e1s - that could be done to avoid annoying you and make you happy?

w/r to 1w2, these are the top things IME:

1) Encourage us to cut ourselves some slack/help us put things into perspective, when we're stressed out or upset about something (which is a lot of the time, lol); and
2) Recognize how hard we work to keep things running smoothly, and/or offering to help. We can get pretty resentful if we find ourselves doing all the work without any sort of acknowledgment, appreciation, or help.

There are probably more things, but I can't think of them at the moment. [MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION]?

I should have expounded on the basis of the question; Riso and Hudson’s enneagram podcast (the enneagram one description is approximately 5 minutes) stated this regarding the childhood of an E1:

As children, ones were good boys and good girls who learned to discipline and restrain themselves and postpone rewards until their work was done. They often disliked or distrusted authority figures who they usually saw as unjust or arbitrary or indifferent. As a result, young ones decided to take the issue of reward and punishment onto themselves. Their own consciences would be their guide, they were praised and rewarded for being adult and rational at an early age and may not have had a very happy or carefree childhood.​

Which is interesting as I would say it somewhat corresponds to your childhoods.

Ah! Yes that definitely applies to my childhood, for the most part. I think generally what happens with 1 kids, is that they're so well-behaved and law-abiding, early on, that their parents get lazy with discipline -- giving the 1 kid a lot of independence and not a lot of guidance/feedback, trusting them implicitly to tell the truth and do the right thing*. Which leads to the 1 kid making very harsh rules for themselves in order to avoid their parents' rare and unpredictable criticism.

The bolded doesn't quite apply to me, and it seems too specific. I'd say that 1 kids probably grow up seeing authority figures as either 1) awesome, or 2) hypocritical and undeserving of their position. Black and white. For example, when I was an older kid (9-12), I rebelled against teachers who I didn't see as capable, or qualified. Looking back on it, my instinct was right most of the time, but it was still pretty damn arrogant of me.

*My mother, also a 1w2, speaks very harshly about parents with rowdy/disruptive children, in a way that suggests she was never a parent. Funny how naive parents can be, when their only child was never a "problem"!

 

[Raffaella]

Ah! Yes that definitely applies to my childhood, for the most part. I think generally what happens with 1 kids, is that they're so well-behaved and law-abiding, early on, that their parents get lazy with discipline -- giving the 1 kid a lot of independence and not a lot of guidance/feedback, trusting them implicitly to tell the truth and do the right thing*. Which leads to the 1 kid making very harsh rules for themselves in order to avoid their parents' rare and unpredictable criticism.

According to this website, enneagram 1 children are actually responsive and the parent is active. However, I do agree about the critical parents.

I'd say that 1 kids probably grow up seeing authority figures as either 1) awesome, or 2) hypocritical and undeserving of their position. Black and white. For example, when I was an older kid (9-12), I rebelled against teachers who I didn't see as capable, or qualified. Looking back on it, my instinct was right most of the time, but it was still pretty damn arrogant of me.

You're so ESTJ E1

 

[EJCC]

According to this website, enneagram 1 children are actually responsive and the parent is active.

My mother (1w2) was very active in that she would judge everyone else, in my presence, and would judge me (positively) from the sidelines without giving me a ton of feedback. It was clear to me that she had very high standards, but it was also clear that I met them most of the time. Which made it all the more jarring when I actually did something wrong. I would suspect that this is pretty common with 1s, because otherwise how do you explain all the 1s with higher and stricter standards than those of society, their parents, etc?

You're so ESTJ E1

I know, right? You'd be amazed at how much I've cooled down since then.

 

[Raffaella]

My mother (1w2) was very active in that she would judge everyone else, in my presence, and would judge me (positively) from the sidelines without giving me a ton of feedback. It was clear to me that she had very high standards, but it was also clear that I met them most of the time. Which made it all the more jarring when I actually did something wrong. I would suspect that this is pretty common with 1s, because otherwise how do you explain all the 1s with higher and stricter standards than those of society, their parents, etc?

Definitely. I always wondered why E1s couldn't assert their needs (until now) and it really highlights the E1 coping mechanism: perfect, discipline, control. I finally feel like I have an insight into your minds and, as a 9, wow! How exhausting, no wonder ones are so hard-working!

 

[SD45T-2]

They often disliked or distrusted authority figures who they usually saw as unjust or arbitrary or indifferent.​

The bolded doesn't quite apply to me, and it seems too specific. I'd say that 1 kids probably grow up seeing authority figures as either 1) awesome, or 2) hypocritical and undeserving of their position. Black and white. For example, when I was an older kid (9-12), I rebelled against teachers who I didn't see as capable, or qualified. Looking back on it, my instinct was right most of the time, but it was still pretty damn arrogant of me.

I totally relate to it. Before I was even 10 I concluded that many adults were unjust and sloppy about discipline. This was very disappointing and alarming to me.

 

[EJCC]

I totally relate to it. Before I was even 10 I concluded that many adults were unjust and sloppy about discipline. This was very disappointing and alarming to me.

That's interesting. I don't remember ever having a realization like that. Then again, I don't remember most of my childhood thought processes. Most of my childhood memories have to do with actions and feelings.

 

[SD45T-2]

That's interesting. I don't remember ever having a realization like that. Then again, I don't remember most of my childhood thought processes. Most of my childhood memories have to do with actions and feelings.

I'm not sure it was a singular epiphany sort of thing so much as just a pattern I noticed. As far as actions and feelings, I've got some of those too.

Years ago we went to a rather large church. One time in Sunday school we were lining up for something or other. It was a big class and therefore a long line. One kid (who I thought was a jerk, IIRC) cut in front of me. I told him that was wrong and he should start at the back like everybody else. He was not impressed. So I removed him from the line (I was one of the bigger kids in the class). He pushed his way back in. So I went hands-on again. We both got punished for fighting, which I thought was obscene because he was clearly doing something wrong and I was just trying to stop him.

I think I was about 8 when that happened.

 

[levinlady]

When you get angry and are about to blow up, is the feelings of resentment directed at yourself or other people? If at yourself, why is that?

 

[EJCC]

When you get angry and are about to blow up, is the feelings of resentment directed at yourself or other people? If at yourself, why is that?

Depends on the situation. It'll be aimed at myself if I'm angry about something that I did, or didn't do.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

How did others tend to perceive you as you were growing up?

Precocious. Reserved, but garrulous. Anxious.

I think adults were bemused by my perceived adultness (but maybe irritated when we butted heads). I don't think other kids had any idea what to do with me.

 

[á´…eparted]

w/r to 1w2, these are the top things IME:

1) Encourage us to cut ourselves some slack/help us put things into perspective, when we're stressed out or upset about something (which is a lot of the time, lol); and
2) Recognize how hard we work to keep things running smoothly, and/or offering to help. We can get pretty resentful if we find ourselves doing all the work without any sort of acknowledgment, appreciation, or help.

There are probably more things, but I can't think of them at the moment. [MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION]?

+ Push back a little. We obviously don't want to be worked against, but complete acquiessence feels like a cop out and belays a sense of apathy which is very unappealing.

+ Match our effort. Doesn't have to be in the same area either, but just over all. If you're going well above us, we'll likely feel really inadequet which can cause problems, and if it's well below it's likely to create resentment.

 

[thoughtlost]

I would like a 1s opinion on this:

Are all ones interested in making the outer environment perfect? Or can the kind of person to focus on themselves? It's just that when I see descriptions of them... it sounds like they are always angry at other people and want to fix other people. I ask b/c I think I might know a type 1 who internalizes it a bit more and is constantly trying to structure her life so she can reach personal goals such as study X number of hours, eat healthier, ....or over all be a better Medical Doctor.

 

[á´…eparted]

I would like a 1s opinion on this:

Are all ones interested in making the outer environment perfect? Or can the kind of person to focus on themselves? It's just that when I see descriptions of them... it sounds like they are always angry at other people and want to fix other people. I ask b/c I think I might know a type 1 who internalizes it a bit more and is constantly trying to structure her life so she can reach personal goals such as study X number of hours, eat healthier, ....or over all be a better Medical Doctor.

Simply put: We only have so much energy. We won't be able to try and "perfect" everything. Early on we realize that and put our resources where we can. Where they go is left up to the individual. i.e. we choose our battles.

 

[EJCC]

I would like a 1s opinion on this:

Are all ones interested in making the outer environment perfect? Or can the kind of person to focus on themselves? It's just that when I see descriptions of them... it sounds like they are always angry at other people and want to fix other people. I ask b/c I think I might know a type 1 who internalizes it a bit more and is constantly trying to structure her life so she can reach personal goals such as study X number of hours, eat healthier, ....or over all be a better Medical Doctor.

The assumption with 1 descriptions, I think, is that the 1s of average health aren't very self-aware. That they're more likely to blame others instead of themselves, and therefore more likely to want to fix others instead of themselves, because they see themselves as much more "correct", or at least better judges of correctness. "Do as I say, not as I do", etc. However, that isn't always the case -- for example, I'm a lot like the potential 1 that you're describing, in that I focus more on self-improvement than on outside improvement ("the only person you can control is yourself"). As another example, [MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION] includes himself, and others, when deciding what can/should be controlled/fixed in any given situation (per his above comment).

 

[INTP1W2]

Oh I have a few questions for other 1w2s:

- Are you embarrassed by your former self, be it childhood, ten years ago, or just the other day?
- Do you see your life, up to this point, as an upward trajectory from less perfect/ideal to more perfect/ideal?

Answers to EJCC's questions:
- Are you embarrassed by your former self, be it childhood, ten years ago, or just the other day?
Absolutely not. Whereas I used to hate them (times in my life that were very painful, including very suicidal adolescence), I have learned to appreciate them. Back then I was very, very pessimistic and cynical and negative. Today, I am more happy, excited about life, always laughing and always see more positive. I can still by cynical at times.

- Do you see your life, up to this point, as an upward trajectory from less perfect/ideal to more perfect/ideal?
I definitely do. I can split my life in half and attribute some themes to each period. I would say I am much more balanced today whereas I had no balance at all and just extremes back then. Same thing about boundaries and other concepts more about not valuing self. Much better in these areas today.

 

[INTP1W2]

I would like a 1s opinion on this:

Are all ones interested in making the outer environment perfect? Or can the kind of person to focus on themselves? It's just that when I see descriptions of them... it sounds like they are always angry at other people and want to fix other people. I ask b/c I think I might know a type 1 who internalizes it a bit more and is constantly trying to structure her life so she can reach personal goals such as study X number of hours, eat healthier, ....or over all be a better Medical Doctor.

I'm applying your questions directly to myself being that I'm a 1.

Yes, there are so many areas in that 'outer environment' world. And as I'm part of that world, I focus heavily on making myself perfect (best version of self: which is a progression) as well. To me, it's one in the same because the motive for the change on me is for the betterment of the world. Don't know if that makes sense.

I used to be always angry at other people but I've learned that people will be who they are and what's more imporant is that if I don't want to deal with who they choose to be, then I can have nothing to do with them. But to focus on that alone is purely negative. What's more positive is then focusing on the people I do want to be around...the ones that inspire me and encourage me...the ones I can much more easily communicate with.

I've always internalized a lot more but I was very unhealthy with that years ago. Much better now.

 

[INTP1W2]

• In your childhood, did you always play the "adult" role? Where you rewarded for it?
• What's your perception of E9? What do you admire? What do you think needs to be improved upon? What advice, if you have any, would you give?
• What's you perception of E8? What do you admire? What do you think needs to be improved upon? What advice, if you have any, would you give?

• I'm not good at typing so I can't answer the E9 and E8 perceptions question.
• During my childhood and adolescence, I always "played" the adult role. Most of the time this was not by choice. I think people looked at quiet, reserved, otherwise "good" kids as more mature by less mature adults looking to get away from their responsibilities. So they would "transfer" those responsibilities to the "good" kid. That was always me. I bounced around a lot as a kid and amazingly, this dynamic was just about everywhere I went. Was I awarded for it? Yeah, if you count getting more adult responsibilities getting dumped on me because I was "good at it". Other than that....no.
• I look at your 'rewarded for it' question in the context of me being rewarded for being who I am. Definitely not. Now, if rewarded is someone thanking me for not exposing them and not bringing negative attention to them, then yeah...I got "rewarded" with empty thank you's.

 

[AStrange~Nostalgia]

Oh I have a few questions for other 1w2s:

- Are you embarrassed by your former self, be it childhood, ten years ago, or just the other day?
- Do you see your life, up to this point, as an upward trajectory from less perfect/ideal to more perfect/ideal?

Q1) not completely. I would be, at the times when I let my guard down and let my true self be exposed before I agree if I want this to represent me or this is yet to be fixed in me.

Q2) yes. getting closer to the ideal image of what I want to. Upward in general. And in times of hardship it only leads afterwards to a greater lift in the level of maturity and goals perseving. After the good hard work.

 

[AStrange~Nostalgia]

so I have 2 questions:
1) how do you lighten you serious appearance and whether you have constantly been hearing this about your self? I mean in particular the 'unapproachable' appearance.

2)if you ever watched "one hour photo" movie, do you think that Sy (the main unhealthy character) is ENFJ 1w2?

 

[EJCC]

so I have 2 questions:
1) how do you lighten you serious appearance and whether you have constantly been hearing this about your self? I mean in particular the 'unapproachable' appearance.

2)if you ever watched "one hour photo" movie, do you think that Sy (the main unhealthy character) is ENFJ 1w2?

1) I haven't been told I'm "serious", but I have been told universally for almost my entire life that I'm very intense and can be intimidating. I consciously mitigate that by being warm and friendly, and bantering with people. I'd like to think I'm pretty funny, although it comes across less on the forum than IRL.

2) Haven't seen it, unfortunately.