[Type 4] 4w5 dark impulsiveness

[chickpea]

I think I have expressed it in the past by a near-compulsion to do things that were socially unacceptable, and a deep need to ... I don't know exactly how to put it, but ... get behind the surface. Draw away the veil. Like Dostoevsky's going to brothels in the dead of night -- the question of "What goes on in the night? What goes on in the underworld?" used to occupy my mind excessively, and when I was younger, I wouldn't hesitate to investigate it by seeking it out, being fascinated by people who were bad for me, things that were bad for me, situations that were dangerous, etc., and at some points in my life, with a real desire to be ruined, or at least get close enough to the right circumstances for it to be able to see what it would be like.

 

[senza tema]

I don't know. I have a lot of self-control, I think. Mostly because it kills me to give up the moral high ground around a significant other ... it's such a position of power. If I feel myself slipping, I will push, needle, goad them into failing before I do. I can reflect a lover's worst insecurities right back at them, magnified a hundred fold, while still holding my perfection like a mantle of unavailabilty around myself. I will not be the one to fall first.

I've been unattached all the times I've gotten more obviously self-destructive. Mostly because there's no one immediate to compete with and match and surpass.