Thanks for sharing! I'm Ni dom, but Fe is my secondary - for me, it works to make sure that other people are feeling comfortable and content. I especially don't want anybody to be upset on my account. I think that's part of the reason why I repress my emotions. Does it work that way for you too? That and also that I'm extremely private about expressing them- I can tell people how I'm feeling with the weirdest stoicism too! (but inside I feel like a literal volcano)...for me though, that's actually lessening with age. I have been working very hard at bringing myself to the table, my real self, in the past year. I don't think that I can be known, but I do want to try and be as authentic as possible - sometimes to the point of trying to gross people out about their bodies so that they remember that they too are "just human." Do you do that as an sp/sx 4? I have heard that they have a sort of grotesque body thing going on...
I have read that you can be either positively or negatively attuned to your instinctual variants. Do you know anything about that? Would you mind posting the sp description that you liked, or directing me to it somehow? I'd love to see it - for some reason honing in on my type makes me feel safe, and I still think that I lean very heavily to sp.
I can only post what I typed earlier from the book I bought, it's called "Positive Enneagram". It was written also by a 4w5 sp-first author, so I find her perspective on the enneagram very tailored to how I would see it. I highly recommend it. Here is some of the things she wrote:
"SP fours have typically been dubbed dauntless or reckless. And there is some truth in the idea that they have an unusual ethos regarding safety and security. All SP subtypes tend to endure their safety by certain predictable means (saving money, seeking shelter, protecting the family, etc), and so do SP Fours. At the same time, SP fours often see security in a different light. While they value (and can even over-value) personal comfort, they have in them the same yearning as other fours to find out who they really are--to get to the bottom of themselves, because they sense that this is the only really lasting way to achieve a sense of security. So when an opportunity to do so presents itself, the SP four will often seize upon it, even if it means engaging in behavior that looks (and sometimes is) perilous in some way. It's a high-risk strategy that may or may not work. But the intent is not to self-destruct, but to effect some kind of radical shift in their situation."
She also says this about SP-fours:
-keep their emotions tightly under wraps
-"never let them see you sweat" motto is for the SP four
-Like all fours, sp fours are sensitive to their physical environment and find it difficult to tolerate any environment that seems fake, ugly, or "soul destroying".
-Sp four is a strange combination of great sensitivity combined with great determination and fierce independence.
-SP Four-The Artisan. Independent, persevering, sensitive, vulnerable, outspoken, artistic.
So the part about keeping my "emotions tightly under wraps" is now I think a SP-four thing. It is true that my Fe doesn't want to upset others further when I become upset. I will usually cry in the private of my own room. There are times where I have felt really bad and the tears would start coming and I just had a strong urge to hide in a more private place. The author says that Sp-fours might sometimes even come across as a type 8 because they don't want anyone to know about their vulnerability. To me, that is a big thing. I don't like people knowing that I am so vulnerable. Vulnerable and sensitive. But it often shows anyway because my emotions are powerful. I also feel like a "volcano". I can repress a lot of anger and sadness on the outside, but inside it eats me up. The author mentions how SP-fours might be even more prone to depression because of how heavy their emotions weigh on them and I can agree to that heavy feeling. Sometimes with my family, it is harder to repress my emotions. I let a lot show. But as a result, I see the damage that I inflict on their emotions. I pick it up very well with my Fe. I cry and so then my mom cries, my dad get's unsettled and irritated, my sister cries and in turn, I feel much worse than before. I just don't like doing that to them. So now, I am even working to be more calmer and more stoic for them.
I agree about "honing in on my type makes me feel safe". I never thought I was SP-first, I thought I was Sp last based on all the online descriptions, but it wasn't till I bought that book and took that quiz that I found out differently. And it does make me feel secure knowing what I finally am.
I'm sorry I don't know much about the grotesque body thing or being positively/negatively attuned to your instinctual variants either.
Here is the author's website where she has some articles about her version of subtypes:
http://www.enneagramdimensions.net/subtypes.htm
I especially like the tables that she creates where she say's SP fours are the "Artisans" -independent creators who often work alone to manifest their creative vision. Also called "bohemian, individualist, independent learner, depth seeker, wounded healer, etc." She has different descriptions for the other sub-types as well.
Her newest book "Archetypes of the Enneagram" has even more insight on the subtypes (as well as movie examples), so I recommend that as well where she states that SP-fours:
"is somewhat invisible from an enneagrammatic point of view. While enneagram books often describe Fours as emotional, volatile, and melodramatic, SP Fours tend to be emotionally constrained, especially in public. They're first and foremost survivors, and in order to survive, they tend to hide their emotional sensitivity as much as possible (sometimes even from themselves.) They like to work independently, so they're often attracted to work they can do at home or at least on their own...Although they're more emotionally grounded and patient than other Fours, they're also more prone to depression, because their emotions tend to weigh heavily upon them..."
