[Other/Multiple Enneatypes] Fear of Healthiness

[Stansmith]

I've been in a deep withdrawn rut for the past few months, and whenever I talk myself into dismissing the negative judgements I've had since I was 12, I just feel extremely depersonalized. All of a sudden I realize I'm just some guy. I'm not unique, I'm not reclusive, there's no grand narrative, I'm just some guy. Another smiling insignificant chap who's settled for normalcy.

I used to like the idea of being happy and now I don't. The struggle makes me feel special, like I know something others don't. That'd be all fine and dandy, but I'm so trapped in fantasy land, I can't even get myself to actually bring these grandiose fantasies to life. It's much easier to fantasize about being a film director or actor, and much harder to go through the motions of writing sh-tty screenwrites and auditioning for off-off-off-off-off-broadway plays.

I used to like the idea of being around people (after all, I'm an extrovert), but noone can possibly measure up to the ideal world I've created for myself. No friend is good enough, no girl is good enough, no hobby or activity is good enough, every film that has ever been made sucks, every person I've idolized is a bore, every physical experience is underwhelming. My ideal love, ideal friends, they don't and can't exist. Coming back to reality means I have to settle. The only thing that brings me joy are my pathetic fantasies about being interviewed about my work, interviews I'll never do, because i have no incentive to realize them. I don't even recognize my actual self anymore, just melodramatic fluff for the sake of feeling significant. My feelings and thoughts used to be somewhat organic, now it's just a character that I play that no person could possibly appreciate.

How do I keep my sense of significance while being appreciative of life as it is? A life that isn't fantastical or euphoric, but just, balanced and realistic.

 

[21%]

I feel you

I struggled with something like this for a few months last year, but then I realized that it was all made up. All my feelings, all my self-perception, everything is made up, and I can choose to be whatever, whenever, whoever. I am not chained to my past. I am what I am now. If I want to be unhappy, I can choose to be unhappy. Then I can choose to get out of it when I want to. Everything is under my control. Even if the world is not, my inner world is, and that gave me a strange sense of privacy and self-space from where I can stand and face the real world. It's a bit complicated, and I don't totally understand it yet, but it came from realizing that you are nothing, but you can choose to be special, then you will be special.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

Something I like to do is blog.

I keep a record of my mundane life and inner world, writing it up to sound remotely interesting and dramatic ("Going to the supermarket! On a mission!!). Sometimes I even illustrate it with over-the-top illustrations of myself in the throes of my pseudo-ridiculous life.

This challenges you to see what's already extraordinary in your boring life, gets you working on something remotely productive, is an act of creation, and helps make your inner ideal external. Plus, it's a lot of fun.

Just a thought. You can also put all your film-making ideas in the form of a screenplay complete with its own storyboard. It may never become famous, but someone will read it and appreciate it.

That's how I cope with these feelings.

 

[Galena]

Why fantasize about being a filmmaker and not something else equally important?

Have you ever gotten feedback from others on your storytelling, particularly from people who aren't friends or relatives? How did it go?

 

[Amargith]

If you re up for it, as it is tl;dr, here is a post i made years ago when i realised i had the same problem as well as what the solution was. I still use fantasy and had to actively change a lot of my povs over time after that so it was not a quick fix, but merely the beginning. And it does takes some mourning as you incorporate your immaculate fantasy into the seemingly tarnished reality...and some redoing to realize that that combo is in fact better than you ever imagined in your immaculate inner world

Here ya go.

 

[Stansmith]

I try to get back into the world and all I can think about is how weird my voice is, how sh-tty my sense of humor is, and how generally lame I am. Everyone seems miserable to me, yet at the same time, happy with not being perfect. There's some standard for perfection that I, nor any other human-being can possibly reach, and it makes me feel empty. Life is this real, flawed, often-boring/ugly thing.

I have no drive, I have no people skills, nothing satisfies me. There's always someone better.