[Type 5] Fives and humour

[simbad]

Sense of Humor
Need your opinions other fives:
I'm always joking with a five who I like. Recently he broke his hand. Last year it was his leg. I made an joke via e-mail saying "the only organ in his body where there is a 100% guarantee that it can't be broken is his heart Since then he's starting acting more codly towards me. Although it was only a joke. I'm belong to an emotional type and he being the opposite always like teasing him. Was the joke off the mark?

 

[VagrantFarce]

Maybe he took offense because he thought you were calling him cold and unemotional. The reason fives seem so distant and defensive is because they're guarding their emotions very closely, and don't always see themselves as unemotional and cold like everyone else.

That being said, I don't know the guy - the only thing I know is that he's a Five. I can't give you advice on how to deal with him, because you're the only one here who knows anything about him. You can't sum up an entire person through the enneagram, no matter how hard some people like to try.

I look at all these threads you make, and I can't help but think: stop looking at him through the enneagram and treat him as a human being.

 

[simbad]

5 and humour

Maybe he took offense because he thought you were calling him cold and unemotional. The reason fives seem so distant and defensive is because they're guarding their emotions very closely, and don't always see themselves as unemotional and cold like everyone else.

That being said, I don't know the guy - the only thing I know is that he's a Five. I can't give you advice on how to deal with him, because you're the only one here who knows anything about him. You can't sum up an entire person through the enneagram, no matter how hard some people like to try.

I look at all these threads you make, and I can't help but think: stop looking at him through the enneagram and treat him as a human being.

Thanks for the good advice. The only thing is that it's very difficult without the help of the enneagram getting to know him better resectively undertand him. He on the other hand seems to know exactly how I tick and even said so to me directly. I gave him an enneagram book from Helen Palmer 6 months ago. I am not sure if he read it or not.

The thing is I really like him and am afraid to do something which will annoy him and put him off me because he for examples feels hurt or insulated by a remark I made or a certain action. In order to avoid this I am trying to read him - unfortunately unsucessfully.

Not only that but he has made it obvious on more than one occasion that I am sometimes hiding behind a mask and not being myself. This annoys him tremendously and he start getting sarcastic. Then I start getting worried that he will like me less and start posting threads in the enenagram forum and so it seems annoy you too.

 

[VagrantFarce]

Not only that but he has made it obvious on more than one occasion that I am sometimes hiding behind a mask and not being myself. This annoys him tremendously and he start getting sarcastic. Then I start getting worried that he will like me less and start posting threads in the enenagram forum and so it seems annoy you too.

If you want to use the enneagram for anything, I suggest working on taking off your mask. If you want him to like you, and it's your "mask" that annoys him, why not work on that? That's what the enneagram is for.

 

[simbad]

Good ideal. Wow you're pretty direct and hard. If you don't mind me saying so.

 

[VagrantFarce]

Good ideal. Wow you're pretty direct and hard. If you don't mind me saying so.

You're welcome. You can tell I'm not an emotional type.

 

[sleuthiness]

Eh, I'd recommend not caring.

 

[Asterion]

Pay attention to him. Concentrate and with time you will figure out how he ticks. He has probably spent most of his life working out how people act, and has possibly met someone very similar to you. In showing you his strengths of perception, he is prompting you to learn from him. It might also help if you ask him why he does whatever it is he does, especially if it is puzzling, even the most obvious things, always wonder why he asks certain questions, why he looks certain ways. Eventually you will be able to tell why. Do this for everyone you know and you will have developed a very useful skill.

That joke was probably a little harsh, he probably feels that you are generalizing him. I have a good friend who is very much like this too, and like Vagrant said, he might seem cold, but he's definitely not on the inside.

 

[Tallulah]

I agree with the others--I'm a five, and while I find a LOT of stuff funny, I don't think I'd take kindly to someone joking that I didn't have a heart or that I was cold unless it was a really good friend and I knew exactly where they were coming from. If not, I'd just assume the person only knows me superficially, and that's how they see me.

 

[Glycerine]

Yeah I would take that as a superficial criticism where they didn't really know me.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Was the joke off the mark?

I’m generally not emotive around others but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m die-hard loyal to friends and thoroughly concerned with being respectful (albeit in my own rough-around-the-edges kind of way), and it’s actually a big part of my identity. So even though I’ll joke around with people about my low tolerance for drama or emotional displays- if someone makes a joke about me not having a heart, I’m going to feel like that person doesn’t ‘get’ me or what’s important to me at all.

And what’s kind of funny is that I wrote this^ before reading the other responses.

I look at all these threads you make, and I can't help but think: stop looking at him through the enneagram and treat him as a human being.

If you want to use the enneagram for anything, I suggest working on taking off your mask. If you want him to like you, and it's your "mask" that annoys him, why not work on that? That's what the enneagram is for.

+1 And though I realize giving advice on ‘how to deal with an e5’ by saying not to rely on the enneagram to figure him out is somewhat contradictory- this^ is well said* and it’s what occurs to me when I see these threads of yours. If it seemed like someone was putting more effort into understanding me than they were putting into understanding themselves, it would make me feel incredibly uneasy. I think any e5 (or anyone of any enneatype for that matter) who has a good handle on understanding what makes others tick got there by looking at themselves first.

*edit: I don't mean to imply it sounds like VF's advice is aimed at dealing with e5s, in fact my guess is that he meant for it to apply towards dealing with anyone. The supposition that e5s might be particularly sensitive was my own (whether he also meant that or not).

 

[Affably Evil]

Not only does that joke have the veiled criticism that your friend does not have feelings, but if it is untrue then there is an undercurrent of demand that he act more vulnerable and emotive around you. Fives, I think, are highly aware of attempts at emotional manipulation like that and are highly resistant to them — pushing on our boundaries doesn't make us want to open up to you. At least for me, the more someone pressures me to open up to them the less I'm interested in doing so.

We can be a very guarded type because there's a fear that we don't have enough to emotionally offer someone to sustain them and have enough left over to support ourselves, particularly with people who are more needy — but guarded doesn't mean "has no feelings." A side "jokey" comment like strikes me as very passive aggressive, and if someone said that to me I'd probably think that this person a) doesn't know me at all, b) isn't content in respecting my emotional boundaries and c) worse, is trying to indirectly tell me that what I'm offering in my friendship with them isn't enough for them. And if these are true, why would I want to invest more of my time and energy in that relationship? It turns into a relational black hole.

 

[simbad]

5 and humour

okay - thanks for all the comments. I'll defintely apologize to him when I next see him.

Just wanted to add though that he himself isn't cautious or overly sensitive when commenting on certain things about me. Okay he might not insult me or diliberately point out my weaknesses in order to hurt me but he is direct and straight to the point.

Not only that but he made it clear that he knows exactly who I am and what's going on inside my head (deep into my brain) - I could also take this personally as this fact is rather discomforting - but I don't.

I can imagine him looking down upon my emotionalism even though he doesn't say it out openly. The joke I made wasn't meant hurtfully. Of course I know that he has feelings. Nevertheless, I will apologize.