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[Traditional Enneagram] Fair fighting between a type 8 (male) with type 9 (female) couple

PersusLair

New member
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
3
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9
Hello! I've been seeing a type 8 man for a year and a half now...and we love each other very deeply and rather sub-consciously, it's a surprise to both of us that we keep growing together. We have super strong passion and it's actually been extremely transformative - we're both of the SX instinctual stacking.

But our larger disagreements have been TOUGH. Most often it begins with me inadvertently stepping on his toes, insulted something sacred to him. He's often extremely gracious, but if he's under stress he can react in a manner (feels like to me) rather harshly => I go straight into stiff/flight mode right when he's needing me the most to tell him that I care and will take his needs into consideration. When I don't react the way he needs...well it all goes quickly downhill from there and he's in fight mode, he says very mean things that he often doesn't remember afterwards. All my instincts try to smooth things over and harmonize...but this backfires and is often received as an affront, he sees the worst in what I say (even though I'm often resisting saying anything which also doesn't work.....I'm also of course left feeling resentful at being invisible).

We're both very understanding people but these bouts feel horrible! I've broken up a few times after one of these incidents, yet there is something extremely magnetic between us (me INFJ, him ENFP) and once I slam on the breaks, we somehow wind up really liking each other again - almost instantly. We both yearn for more stability and I haven't wanted to live together until I can have some idea of how to weather these disagreements. I also haven't been able to communicate that for me the problem is not about the individual topics but rather how we're unable to work through them and teach each other. I think for him, it is the individual topics but he just decides to let it go. I would never want to hurt him but need patience and help to learn his sensitivities => most of my friends are sensitive 4s or 9s and so it's hard for me to see and honor his vulnerable parts when they're almost only revealed in these times of anger.

Does anyone have suggestions of how a proper fight might look between an 8 and a 9? I've tried letting out my own anger but that seriously didn't work so I do feel a bit like damned if I do and damned if I don't. When my nervous system is triggered, well I'm not sure if it'd be possible for me to switch to a warm reassurance when I feel like I've been semi-attacked. I'm beginning to feel like we are inevitable though and I need to learn how to come up with strategies to deal with this difference. I'd love any ideas!!??! Thanks
 
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