misfortuneteller
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It seems like it's impossible to make them to feel like they have value unless they have it all.
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[Traditional Enneagram] How does someone boast an unsuccessful 3's confidence?
- Thread starter misfortuneteller
- Start date
Merced
Talk to me.
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I used to be in a relationship with an 385 INTJ who just isn't successful in many areas of life if I had to phrase it nicely.
Two routes to go about it:
A) Reassure them that there is such a thing as successful failures and that winning and succeeding are not inherently synonymous. Chances are, they're bitter and more mad at themselves than the world around them, so it's important to clarify to them that it's not the end of the world and that they don't have to do anything. No one thinks lesser of them because they aren't winning 24/7 and it's won't do anyone any good if they keep going on thinking that way. Essentially, let them know it's okay.
B) Support them by giving them the tools needed to succeed if they can't do so on their own. Not necessarily saying to coddle them or do the work for them (they probably wouldn't let you anyways), but encourage them and assist in the problem solving process. If they recently lost a competition, help them identify what could be done better next time, and then if they want you to, join them in the attempts to self improve. If it's one of those middle of the day "Oh god, I'm a nobody with a dead end life" fits 3s can throw, remind them that everything takes time and suggest ways they can more actively start moving up in the world. Usually it'll be something as simple as exercise or take a class on something and that should at the very least keep them busy.
Whatever you do, don't lie to them. Flattery is easily the worst way to help them when they're like this. If they fail to realize you're lying, it'll encourage them to stay in a negative whiny place and if they do recognize that you're just trying to make them feel better, it'll really hurt their feelings. Regardless of wing or variant, it's better in the long run to dish out tough love when you see an unsuccessful 3 be unsuccessful.
Two routes to go about it:
A) Reassure them that there is such a thing as successful failures and that winning and succeeding are not inherently synonymous. Chances are, they're bitter and more mad at themselves than the world around them, so it's important to clarify to them that it's not the end of the world and that they don't have to do anything. No one thinks lesser of them because they aren't winning 24/7 and it's won't do anyone any good if they keep going on thinking that way. Essentially, let them know it's okay.
B) Support them by giving them the tools needed to succeed if they can't do so on their own. Not necessarily saying to coddle them or do the work for them (they probably wouldn't let you anyways), but encourage them and assist in the problem solving process. If they recently lost a competition, help them identify what could be done better next time, and then if they want you to, join them in the attempts to self improve. If it's one of those middle of the day "Oh god, I'm a nobody with a dead end life" fits 3s can throw, remind them that everything takes time and suggest ways they can more actively start moving up in the world. Usually it'll be something as simple as exercise or take a class on something and that should at the very least keep them busy.
Whatever you do, don't lie to them. Flattery is easily the worst way to help them when they're like this. If they fail to realize you're lying, it'll encourage them to stay in a negative whiny place and if they do recognize that you're just trying to make them feel better, it'll really hurt their feelings. Regardless of wing or variant, it's better in the long run to dish out tough love when you see an unsuccessful 3 be unsuccessful.
AStrange~Nostalgia
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- sx/sp
The problem is that an unsuccessful 3 is probably not going to hear what you have to say, they take it as an insult. That you are trying to tell them how to live and you don't think they can do well. Especially ENFJ type 3.
As mentioned above, be humble and don't show your success. Let them try act successful over you, in a limit, if they felt you are better in a certain way and felt pathetic for themselves then hide what you saw and tell them your secret or how to easily gain that success. But don't bash yourself for their sake. Afterall the reality will hit them hard if you forgot to give them their regular potion of what the truth is. Small harmless potions.
As mentioned above, be humble and don't show your success. Let them try act successful over you, in a limit, if they felt you are better in a certain way and felt pathetic for themselves then hide what you saw and tell them your secret or how to easily gain that success. But don't bash yourself for their sake. Afterall the reality will hit them hard if you forgot to give them their regular potion of what the truth is. Small harmless potions.
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