The scenario
I manage a 1 who is first and foremost a lovely person, they are also stressed and that stress comes out in an ugly, unaware manner that dismisses everyone else with an "I'm right, they're wrong" stance. They appear to exclude themselves from their criticism while being intolerant of others. They can make blanket black and white statements suggesting that everyone else is 'bad' in some way and they alone understand what is right and correct. The problem is driven from frustration more than anything but it's having a very negative impact and damaging relationships, a situation they are either unaware of, or do not care about.
My aim
My primary aim is have her become more aware of her own behaviour and observe how anger is being turned into frustration that is coming out as rude to others. The biggest blockers I have is;
1. She re-directs conversations away from her and onto previous conversations, or how others are the problem (which from my pov, is not true), and
2. She is quite sensitive so a blunt approach can be met with hurt, anger and defensiveness.
That said, she does respect and trust me, so it's not all uphill.
For the sake of her satisfaction, the relationships with those around her, and my need to set appropriate and consistent minimum standards, things need to improve.
The question
What would have been the most effective way to deal with you through problems when you were younger or less aware? Or if you've always been a vision of maturity
what is the most effective approach based on your personal insight of your type?
While you're at it, anything specific about frustrations about type 9 communication is also welcome. I'm pretty blunt for a 9 thanks to ma' wing, but I am still flavoured with a peace-loving-inner-hippy vibe.
I'll throw in my two cents, but keep in mind that all I can really do is describe my own experience and hope that does approximate the experience of people who call themselves E1s.
While this person may appear to exclude themselves from criticism, if they are a 1 they're probably criticizing themselves in their own minds constantly (though the precise criticisms applied may not be the same). This in turn also facilitates her sensitivity to criticism from others. Any criticism from another person can feel like rubbing in some painful criticism the 1 is already directing at herself, and in turn she might lash out at criticism in a way that appears inappropriate to outsider observers who have no way of knowing what's going on inside her head. But there are plenty of reasons that internal criticism is unlikely to be made visible to others. At times in my life, I've felt wrong about some things, but right about things I was struggling with people over, and there was a kind of fear that any focus on what I got wrong would unfairly undermine my clout in the struggle for the things I was right about, which made me highly averse to letting there be any attention on my failures. I personally (I assume other 1s, generally), also have an unspecific discomfort with being the focus, which I think exists with both egoistic and altruistic motives. If I've had an aim that I was very serious about, I have sometimes almost sublimated my being into it. I do not exist, I am not really the topic, I am a vessel for the aim. This can both be selflessly productive and also a convenient excuse for having no accountability. It really depends.
And with regards to that kind of single-mindedness, I'd lean toward the "doesn't care" interpretation about damaging relationships. If she really thinks she's right and everyone else is wrong, she will be wholly unimpressed by any argument that she should change because relationships are being damaged. In fact, if there's one core piece of advice, it's that so long as she thinks she's on the right side of a dispute, her mind will be a flow chart where everything leads back to "I'm right". If you tell her she's being rude, she is going to think "but I'm still right". Any attempt at persuasion that sounds like it's making right and wrong a secondary issue is going to fail. I would go further and say that the less interested other people appear to be in doing what is right, the more galvanized she is going to become. I sometimes go into a mindset of "I guess it's all up to me" if it appears that I'm the only one with a sense of what's right, so I actually become more overbearing the less support I think I have (which can seem counterintuitive).
And here in lies the really big challenge, I think. The more isolated she feels on this, the more obstinate she will be. However, if you think she is actually mistaken about things, providing support is tricky since you obviously don't want to provide endless support toward someone for getting things
wrong. You need to alleviate all those aforementioned stressors without straying from the reality that you
don't think she's doing everything right and something has to change.
There aren't a lot of details about your scenario, so I don't have a good idea what is or isn't particularly viable for you. The first thing I'd say, as per the above, is to be very thorough in making clear that you are also concerned with doing things the right way and any suggestions you have are meant to work toward that. That might sound obvious to you, but it may not be as obvious as you think. Really contemplate your language on that front. Because, again, if it sounds like your are concerned with being rude
as opposed to getting things right, that will be a nonstarter with her. And that's the kind of thing you might not normally even think about being implicitly conveyed in your language.
Try to make suggestions in terms of doing things the
best way, instead of the
right way. I know I've spent all of this post stressing the focus on right, but when you as an outside party are giving criticism of her (as opposed to just stating your general objective), it probably behooves you to suggest what is best rather than what is right. This is because if you try to tell her the right way to do things, you're implicitly telling her she's been wrong up to this point, and that will make her much more defensive. Good, better, and best, are not nearly as threatening sounding ways to propose an alternative.
If possible (and again, I don't really know if it is possible in your scenario), try to frame any criticisms you have in terms of inhibitions to her
own sense of what is right.
Say, hypothetically, she has been right and everyone else has been wrong about X. Even so, is she really going about this the best way to achieve what she thinks is right? Like, you see her goal (maybe you even can see you agree with it, if that's not too much of a stretch), but you think she can't really reach it unless she tries some other way. I think it's easier to convince a 1 that they are being self-defeating, or more accurately, sort of a "poor vessel" if you will, than it is to convince them that their idea is actually just the wrong one altogether and others have been right. Of course, you still want to exercise some delicacy about that, because saying that straight up can be really cutting to a 1 (because it actually speak to their concerns).
So, speaking of delicacy, I guess I have a couple suggestions on that front. Try to find some area with which you can give her support that does not contradict your real criticism. I find an area where this is usually viable would be sincerity and effort. You can perhaps show appreciation and understanding for the fact that she really is honestly trying and investing in this. I know this can be rather annoying. It feels like someone is causing a problem you have to deal with, and they're wrong, and now you have to baby them or some shit? But I think gestures like this can go a long way in putting down the 1s defenses. You appreciate the good they've done, you respect their perspective, you understand. She can calm down.
Lastly, this is kind of an overarching piece of advice for 1s anxieties in any situation. Assure them that this is not the end of the world. If she really is a 1, then it's almost guaranteed she has convinced herself more is riding on whatever she's complaining about than there really is. Be sure not to say this in a condescending way though, as if you're were saying she's freaking out over nothing. I think the real gist of it is more personal. You need to provide assurance that whatever happens, she's not bad or incompetent and that you will not look down on her. And interestingly, this concerns both how she feels about being told she's wrong, but also about how she feels about it turning out she's right. Because for a 1 (or at least me), if I gave in an listened to someone, and then everything fucks up, and it turns out I was right in the first place, that will make me feel just as bad, because I'll beat myself up for giving in and letting that happen. So basically, the point is that nobody is going to hate her if she's wrong, and the world isn't resting on her shoulders if it turns out she was right. It's okay.
I don't know how useful any of that is, or if the 1s here even find any of the recognizable, but that's what I got out of trying to put myself in this situation with the info given.
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About 9s---
I think when I analyzed my relationship to the types (in my own system that no one else uses), I concluded the 9 was the type I was third least like. So it could be worse, but it's not great. I mean no offense, but I will frame my type 9 interaction in the worst light so as to focus on what's wrong.
At worst, 9s strike me as feckless and wishy-washy. I think they're dishonest and probably even in denial. They paint a false picture that conforms with their desire to not get into conflicts and to not pick sides. They make things seem more optimistic, reconcilable, and symmetrical than they really are. So for one thing, I don't feel like I trust the info I get from them, I suspect that it is misleadingly sanitized and organized. Secondly, I feel like they're dismissive toward my grievances if there's no way for them to address those grievances in a way that's inoffensive to everyone. Thirdly, I feel like 9s say a lot of things that are devoid of substance, because any real substance has to high a risk of causing conflict.
I've not directly experienced this myself, but it is easy for me to imagine things getting awkward in a scenario in which a 9 is managing a 1. I feel like a 1, without even thinking about it, would overstep their bounds and attempting taking the 9s job.
EDIT: Holy shit! I just noticed that EJCC's user title says "just a vessel".
