[Traditional Enneagram] Enneagram 3 and Vulnerability

[OneLovelyAdventure]

I am an ENFP 3w2 whose instinct is to open up to people and invite them into my life with warm enthusiasm. I am naturally gregarious and lively. However, the older I get, the more I close myself off to people, and I think I know why. I am absolutely terrified of showing any weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or insecurities. I have to appear to everyone as though I've got it all figured out, that I'm tough and capable and unflappable and independent. As soon as the discussion turns to deeper feelings, I pretend I don't have any.

Do other 3s have this problem? It's starting to become a real challenge for me, and I feel very lonely very often. As soon as I sense myself getting close to people, I notice myself pulling back out of fear of revealing too many flaws or imperfections about my character. I value my self-sufficient and in-charge image so much that I have learned to subconsciously ignore my instincts in order to maintain my well-developed, carefully-constructed, and always-prominent exterior self.

Like I said, do any other 3s do this? Particularly Exxx or ExFx 3s.

 

[Tilt]

I am an ENFP 3w2 whose instinct is to open up to people and invite them into my life with warm enthusiasm. I am naturally gregarious and lively. However, the older I get, the more I close myself off to people, and I think I know why. I am absolutely terrified of showing any weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or insecurities. I have to appear to everyone as though I've got it all figured out, that I'm tough and capable and unflappable and independent. As soon as the discussion turns to deeper feelings, I pretend I don't have any.

Do other 3s have this problem? It's starting to become a real challenge for me, and I feel very lonely very often. As soon as I sense myself getting close to people, I notice myself pulling back out of fear of revealing too many flaws or imperfections about my character. I value my self-sufficient and in-charge image so much that I have learned to subconsciously ignore my instincts in order to maintain my well-developed, carefully-constructed, and always-prominent exterior self.

Like I said, do any other 3s do this? Particularly Exxx or ExFx 3s.

Yes. That is the main struggle with most 3s. They strive to live up to an ideal image.

 

[Kanra Jest]

I am a 3w4(359ish tritype)
I can identify with this. Sometimes it's .. very stressful. Too threatening to have the guard down, but wish to have it down to express one day wholeheartedly only to those I can truly absolutely trust. I would say the image is not totally fake though, but only a part that's expressed, and tweaked accordingly. Everything is calculated. Careful. Adaptable. The whole is rare. Second nature. I don't even consciously think about it.
I desire to get close to people. At least those who intrigue me .. and/or those I enjoy the company of. Yet, it's never enough as most people end up shallow relations that drift constantly. Leaving a perplexing emptiness.

 

[Bush]

Guilty

I feel the need to be in total control of information about myself. You know, holding those cards close to my chest. Showing weakness can be a card to play -- making someone well aware that you realize that they know more than you do about something as a way to strengthen the bond between you, for example. As y'all say, though, showing the sentiment can be calculated, yet the sentiment can still very much be true. Someone with knowledge and skills that I don't have can absolutely impress me, and I can feel that it's just the right thing to do to let them know. It's an odd sort of contradiction.

I absolutely don't want it to come out in any other way, though. I get paranoid about (a) someone peeking or (b) me throwing my hand up in the air out of anger, frustration, desperation, depression, or sometimes even overexuberance.

Which means that me, raw and unabashed, doesn't really show itself. Playing those cards isn't really letting your guard down, even if they're showing weaknesses. (That self-control to me also feels One-like in nature, insofar as being in control also feels like the right and virtuous thing to do. That kinda compounds the problem.)

It can make you feel lonely, for sure. There's hope that you can learn to trust at least a few people enough to let your guard down around them. Well.. at least sometimes. I still have that struggle even with the most trusted folks in my life.

 

[Santosha]

You know what the very best and, probably most ironic thing about 'coming uncorked' (being vulnerable) is? That we think others will turn away, abandon or think less of us, and in actuality, most people actually love you more. Why? Because most people struggle with this, to some extent. And when someone that once appeared to 'have it all together' loses their shit, goes through a difficult life-event, drops the facade, it acts as a reminder to everyone else that it's okay to not be 'perfect'. It's actually a tremendous service, to all around you. And those who don't realize that, will. On a long enough time-line. So, consider that. =)

 

[Yara the Corpse]

I might just be able to relate to 3 if it were defined much more broadly instead of focusing on achievement and external proof of your abilities. I do have an image I like to uphold but it's one I can show off just by being social. I'd agree that I'm pretty vulnerable and avoidant of any situation that could bring shame... moreso than I'm trying to find an ideal identity for myself and see myself as some unique being

 

[Lady Lazarus]

This is somewhat relatable. Except I don't think I project an image into the space I create by hiding things that bring me shame. Because I don't know how. I'm assuming that's because I've just an oblique link to 3 in my integration point and am not a core 3.

 

[Kierva]

I am an ENFP 3w2 whose instinct is to open up to people and invite them into my life with warm enthusiasm. I am naturally gregarious and lively. However, the older I get, the more I close myself off to people, and I think I know why. I am absolutely terrified of showing any weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or insecurities. I have to appear to everyone as though I've got it all figured out, that I'm tough and capable and unflappable and independent. As soon as the discussion turns to deeper feelings, I pretend I don't have any.

Do other 3s have this problem? It's starting to become a real challenge for me, and I feel very lonely very often. As soon as I sense myself getting close to people, I notice myself pulling back out of fear of revealing too many flaws or imperfections about my character. I value my self-sufficient and in-charge image so much that I have learned to subconsciously ignore my instincts in order to maintain my well-developed, carefully-constructed, and always-prominent exterior self.

Like I said, do any other 3s do this? Particularly Exxx or ExFx 3s.

For myself, it manifests as choosing my battles very wisely. I instinctively avoid any situation that requires me to exhibit my weaknesses. I don't have any problem with vulnerability in the right situation though, as I find that I usually play the role of the empathizer, which has to do with how I want to be treated (I do it out of good karma).

I have huge issues with insecurities though -- it mostly has to do with my appearance, as some people in my life just cannot value me because of how I look, no matter how intelligent, capable or ambitious I am. It's incredibly crippling and it plagues every action that I do. But instead of trying to "look better" by working out, I adamantly refuse to and try to shine in other ways, to invalidate those people who say I'm "not attractive (therefore I am not valuable)".

It's so ridiculous how nice the world is to you just because you are pretty.

From that, I have delicately crafted this persona of an empathetic, yet capable person, if a bit distant. I'm that guy you look for when something goes wrong, when you need someone to cheer you up or if you need help with something practical. I'm not available 100% of the time but when you need it, I will be there.