[Traditional Enneagram] What's so hard about being your type?

[fetus]

Every type has its woes. Enneagram seems to focus on the negative rather than the positive (and I rather appreciate it, actually). So, what's so hard about being type X? Be as melodramatic as your heart feels it necessary.

I wrote on my outside blog (it's in my signature) about love. Here, I am connecting it to being a 2.

This is what's so hard about being a 2, and quite likely aux Fe. I entitled it, A Full Heart Aches.

A hurting heart is most often associated with emptiness; it aches because it knows well the pangs of hunger. For me, however, I don’t feel emptiness. I feel full, so very full, with a heart that loves and feels with unparalleled passion.

My heart hurts because I have too much love. I have love for causes, for humanity, and above all, for the ones whom I personally know. Sometimes I simply overflow. With new information and input coming at me constantly, I scarcely have the time to process it or the space in my mental chamber to store it. So all the fresh love and fresh information dribbles out of me, like mashed food from the mouth of a baby who is no longer hungry. Come to think of it, that’s who I am – a child who’s too full. I’m too full.

To me, releasing love isn’t just second-nature; it’s vital. I want to pour it out. What is normal for me, however, is overwhelming for others. People don’t always like to be bombarded with I-love-yous and appreciation. It’s uncomfortable, and I have largely learned to deal with it, but sometimes I just can’t help myself. My heart aches to love, and to be loved in return. When I don’t receive love for my love efforts, I feel dejected. A big heart pours out and needs more to be filled up again, but most people do not love so much. Sometimes I feel like that’s how I live – always looking to pour out my full heart, then seeking tirelessly, though passively, for love with which to pacify it once more. So, then, I suppose I have contradicted myself. I do feel empty, but never without feeling full. I am a living embodiment of two extremes.

What is it like to have a moderate heart – a heart that doesn’t crave to empty and refill? What is it like to not feel so bloated by passion? A sliver of me wants to experience this lukewarm contentment, but then again, I would never want to be half-hearted.

 

[Yama]

Literally everything makes me angry 100% of the time but I don't know how to handle it so I subconsciously trick myself into pretending that it isn't real, and end up never addressing any of my problems. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Even the slightest hint of negativity in the atmosphere affects me so heavily that it makes me unable to function or think about anything else.

I'm paranoid and anxious even when there's nothing to be afraid of.

 

[Chrysanthe]

Literally everything makes me angry 100% of the time but I don't know how to handle it so I subconsciously trick myself into pretending that it isn't real, and end up never addressing any of my problems. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Even the slightest hint of negativity in the atmosphere affects me so heavily that it makes me unable to function or think about anything else.

I'm paranoid and anxious even when there's nothing to be afraid of.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yes

that is a me

 

[fetus]

I can also relate, [MENTION=23583]21lux[/MENTION].

Come on, 4's. I know you have plenty to say.

 

[Masokissed]

I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

 

[Dreamer]

A dominant function that makes me a visible social outcast, and an auxiliary function that makes me feel like an outcast. A constant internal struggle between wanting to feel normal and to fit in, all while constantly striving to be the best representation of the self and having the urge to drop it all and to travel the world at a second's notice.

 

[HongDou]

For 7...

I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

the fact that life can actually sometimes feel like this^^^ but we're too damn escapist to seriously acknowledge it

 

[Null]

Recently I've experienced more and more how much I need support and approval from the outside. It feels like nothing is enough if it can't be attested and approved by others. Even if I'd create the most wonderful thing in the world, if other people think it isn't then they must be right. It's also why I'm so indecisive. Especially when there's contradicting information coming from the outside. Nothing's ever enough on its own and everything is uncertain and eh. I don't know.

Then there's also my 9 fix that supports this uncertainty. I don't really know what I want from life and I wander through it aimlessly.

 

[Amargith]

As a 4:

The self-esteem issues due to the perfectionistic streak of trying to live up to your own fantasy and expectations and the shame that comes from failing to do so...it's crippling - to the point of lashing out to others or, for me, taking it out on your own body in some way, until you figure that out.

 

[Frosty]

So much. I question everything that I do, repeatedly. I can pretty much(see even here) never be completely certain about anything.

I am really bad at handling conflict, yet (if this is right which again-the doubt still exists)- I am double reactive, which makes me need to want to have a voice- shakes that need out of me. Everything can feel like a reiteration, one that is exhausting at times to try to explain verbally- and this only increases the risk- the 6ish uncertainty- the 4ish shame- the 9s meekness and reluctance to identify directly- of attempting to explain, for it can take so much effort and at the end of the day--- I am going to reject it because of everything I just mentioned. And this goes beyond type- I mean attempting to justify a type- this goes for anything. Makes it very very hard to do anything- to exist.

This is fairly unclear, might actually go back and edit it later... If only to take out this last note probably...

 

[JocktheMotie]

5. When you actually want to engage and make a connection, not being able to. The cognitive distance between you and the person, or the world appears so vast and cosmic it seems futile to try.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

The fact that everyone aside from me is a person. The tantrum throwing part of myself says that this isn't fair but the calmer one understands that this is entirely my own fault for not creating then sticking to (I feel as if 9's are P archetypes ...) an identity early on. Not "just being" from the get go as is so easy for others.

And on that one, I think it's pretty ridiculous that my biggest challenge is simply existing, but at the ends this is my molehill mountain.

 

[Tilt]

3w4. Basically, the downsides of being able to adapt to whatever role people need me to become to get the job done: losing myself in a "role"and feeling empty. Because of this, I considered the possibility of being at least half the enneagram and 4-5 different MBTI types.

 

[Cellmold]

Everyone hates a 6 and no one hates a 6 more than either another 6 or the 6 themselves.

Carrying a metaphorical boring drill for confidence and certainty, which both undermines yourself and others around you, must get incredibly annoying. The implicit reliance or need for external validation and footing is what makes it hard and very pathetic. Even the phobic's need their authority and boundries to push & test or else they would be mute in expression.

It might even be more accurate to ask: What isn't hard about being a 6?

Worst of all is...it's all self-inflicted. But metarising for a second here...is this an inherent infliction on the self or a development. If it is an inherent, then what hope could there ever be for a 6? Although the two may not be exclusive to each other.

It could just be more jargon for those who display traits that are relatively common across human beings, informed by variable differences in genetics and environment.

Maybe just a core human element that we all need to work at...stepping a little bit at a time. Always working, always driving.

Never finished.

Certainly never full. Certainly never certain.

You're at the event horizon.

Deep breath...keep looking into that hole.

 

[ceecee]

I don't think being an 8 is hard per se. Being an 8 can be exhausting, more than anything else.

 

[EJCC]

For e1:

It's like having someone constantly shouting in your ear that you could do more, be more, ALWAYS be better, because it's my way or the highway, and my way is absolute FLAWLESSNESS, accepting no substitutes for RIGHT and JUST and PERFECT. Imagine that the yelling guy is like a drill sergeant, or a football coach. Never able to see anything you do as anything other than "okay" or "terrible" -- no middle ground, and no "good" or "perfect", ever. Constantly drilling, drilling, drilling.

It's like having that experience 24/7 for so long, that you realize that you're turning into that person. Not only do you now believe everything they say, but you want to shout down literally everyone and everything in your life, in exactly the same way. But you never do, because part of you knows that it's unfair. That that person is unfair and abusive and awful. But you can't face that, because if they're awful, then so are you.

 

[CitizenErased]

Everything and nothing at the same time.

1. The fact that verybody else's theory "is just wrong" but because "I'm a good person", I respect them.
2. That my "organizational skills" aren't understood. In fact, they are mocked, and I wonder what the problem is if I get to similar results as everybody else.
3. When my ESFJ mother criticizes (among a list of other girls) my "boyish" ideas, like sewing the shirts' button line so I can put on the shirts like t-shirts, iron them like t-shirts and avoid ackward unbuttonings.
4. That people think I'm lazy, when I'm "just thinking".
5. That everything related to romance, warm and fuzzy people repel me while I hate myself for not being able to be more warm myself.
6. That I like being "weird"/convoluted but no one else likes "weird"/convoluted.
7. As an introvert, or 5 sp/sx, that I feel pressured to go out and engage in things like small talk to "find contacts", when in reality I'd be fine living in a cave with wifi and tons of books in the middle of a rainy forest.
8. Oh, and that I can't shut up to say things I believe abhorrent or that are negative, instead of seeing the positive at first sight. It's like to see the positive I need to see all the negative first.
9. That I couldn't follow a step-by-step plan to save my own life from a madman and probably think it's a good idea to play several pranks on the enemy.
10. That the fact that I acknowledge all this isn't going to change a thing in how I am.

 

[Flâneuse]

Having trouble feeling fully present, both to myself and the outside world. Desperately clinging to whatever I've merged with to form an identity because deep down I fear my own emptiness, which I equate with vapidity and boringness. The lack of passion, the feeling of being dead inside, that I sometimes feel deep down, and trying very hard to convince myself of who I am, what I like, and what drives me because I don't have the passion and consistency to maintain a distinct, constant identity and goals. Sort of wanting to do and be a little of everything, and consequently being nothing special.

Even when I do strongly feel or think a certain way, I have a little voice that devalues whatever I'm thinking or feeling so I come across as hesitant and unsure when expressing myself (which sometimes causes others to instinctively disregard what I'm saying before I'm even finished speaking). Compulsively hiding my stronger feelings (especially negative ones) because I'm afraid of others' reactions to them (I can manage my own occasional emotional chaos but it gets out of control when I have to deal with external chaos too). I can tell people what I'm feeling but have trouble showing it, which makes people doubt my sincerity and/or true awareness of what I'm feeling and sometimes invites them to try to tell me what I'm really feeling or not feeling (which is one of the most infuriating forms of condescension.) (This mainly applies to in-person expression -- I feel safer ranting online.)

So, in a nutshell, not having a very well-defined sense of self and having trouble asserting the vague and mutable sense of self I do have.

 

[á´…eparted]

Imagine not being in control of your own actions. Imagine your moral code instructs you on what you can and can not to, as it speaks to right or wrong. You can disobey, but you will experiencing pain for doing so, sometimes immensely for a long time. It can feel helpless as you watch yourself say or do things that do not match what you want or feel, but only what is right. If you can't do what is right, you get flooded with a torrent of strong emotions, that become your duty to suppress, which adds even more stress.

Also, what [MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION] is spot on.

 

[EJCC]

Imagine not being in control of your own actions. Imagine your moral code instructs you on what you can and can not to, as it speaks to right or wrong. You can disobey, but you will experiencing pain for doing so, sometimes immensely for a long time. It can feel helpless as you watch yourself say or do things that do not match what you want or feel, but only what is right. If you can't do what is right, you get flooded with a torrent of strong emotions, that become your duty to suppress, which adds even more stress.

^ Strangely, I don't relate to this at all. You must experience much more dissociation with your e1 values than I do.