[Traditional Enneagram] Compatibility and Disintegration Point

[small.wonder]

This is an observation I've often made in relationships where one person's core type is the other's disintegration point. An example: a very good 1w2 friend of mine has (very long term) dated a 7w6. She finds his optimism and energy encouraging and good for her, but over time they've realized that he is more prone to unhealth in their relationship because her 1 influence brings him to a negative place. One time she and I were talking about it, she realized that one of their negative tendencies was to judge others together after social gatherings. She's since tried to be a lot more mindful of this.

Another angle of this, is the way I often feel about 2's (and the reason I could probably never date one)-- they kind of disgust me at times, because they remind me of my own years of deep unhealth.

Have you been in a close friendship or dating relationship where you experienced this? If so, did it become a deal breaker or were you able to manage it?

 

[á´…eparted]

I am close with a 4w5. What helps is her 4ness is not apparent. Generally speaking I respond poorly to 4's when I first meet them because they remind me of my failure points and I often view them as self-centered and perpetual compliment fishers.

I love most 7's. Some of them don't like me and I get why so I will leave them alone or keep a distance. However, I have forged close friendships with 7's before. One 7w8 in particular, which tend to jive with me better than 7w6. The ones that don't mirror me, or ones who are willing to push back when I am being a typical 1 usually do the best with me.

 

[ceecee]

I think this is really interesting. As far as my own relationship, I'm sure I'm a 8w9 and my ENFJ is a 9w8. Because he isn't a 5 (for me) and I'm not a 6 (for him), maybe we are more fortunate. Not to say we don't absorb features of each other - we absolutely do. The potential issues we have are rooted in those 8/9 differences.

 

[Mal12345]

I've never had a relationship with a 7 or 8.

 

[Qlip]

I don't know if I know any 2's. But I am generally repelled by ingratiating behavior. I don't know if this is because it's my disintegration point, or if it's because it is the opposite of authenticity, or if those things are actually related.

But yeah, I'm not sure that I'd get along well.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Im super simple in that I will like people who genuinely like me. I find 2s more inclined to like me, although neither type is one I seem to get on with quickly or easily.

I find typical 1s so critical and priggish that I often dislike them. I dont know if they dislike me, but they seem to dislike everything. I "see" that criticality in myself, but it's most often an inner voice directed at myself, and they too easily mirror it. I experience them as harping on all the things I already get down on myself for, things which seem to insist I'd have to become a lifeless drone in order to "fix". Then I get angry that these standards are accepted as "better", and so goes the cycle to rejecting 1ish mentality. They ultimately look like people who delight in misery far more than any 4 does to me.

2s I can handle in limited doses but they go on and on about themselves so much while simultaneously claiming they have given to everyone else, and I generally find them too emotionally demanding. Even with shallow friendships, they seem to think we are close, or maybe that is just their positve self-talk that they use to brainwash others (and which often seems to work). Of course, I fear being that self-absorped, prideful, and emotionally demanding, which can leave me withdrawn, shameful and inhibited, and hard to get to know in person. And ultimately, 2s have criticized me a lot also, but its more guilt-trippy "no one loves me!" crap and attacking you for not loving them (I had to learn this excessive need was their problem, not an indicator I am "cold"). Or sometimes their acceptance is just fake and manipulative, which of course I dislike, but find it easier to ignore.

Not a lot of love lost for either, but I am aware of how much projection comes into play. Instead of seeing your flaws in them, you project your flaws onto them as an ego defense. If you acknowledged their way as valid too, then your ego, its fixations, etc, would not be able to stand. This of course can help integration - we expand our ego to include positives of a perspective that previously threatened the ego, and with the ego less easily threatened, you have a wider range of functionality.

But I digress....Basically, yes, it seems when you are the integration point for the other person, you seem to be more palatable to them or to garner more admiration. My experiences with 1s ran counter to that, but there have been exceptions with the rare, very high-functioning 1.

 

[Entropic]

I'm in a relationship with a 6w5 and I'm 8w9 so our wings connect to each other's core. I don't think it's very relevant in what makes our relationship tick though, as a whole. Personally I'm not sure I could stand having a close relationship with a 5. I think I would find their fear for engagement very dissatisfying. With 2s, the problem is that they will have a lot of untold demands of emotional reciprocity which would exhaust the hell out of me.

 

[ceecee]

I don't know if I know any 2's. But I am generally repelled by ingratiating behavior. I don't know if this is because it's my disintegration point, or if it's because it is the opposite of authenticity, or if those things are actually related.

But yeah, I'm not sure that I'd get along well.

I know one and that's plenty. Needy, guilt tripping, I do everything for everyone martyrdom and the entitlement that's off the charts - you feel that before she even opens her mouth to speak. I find her weakness disgusting but I find myself wanting to steer people clear of her. I don't know why, they figure her out pretty quickly.

 

[kyuuei]

As I dunno my boyfriend's enneagram I really cannot say on that aspect. I feel like I should ask him now hahah.

But similar to [MENTION=20829]Hard[/MENTION] I tend to respond poorly to type 4's without something else to balance it all out. I'd say the most difficult ones to work with for me are types 1, 2, and 4. 3 and 6 to a lesser extent.. and 7's (what I suspect my boyfriend is) and 9's I get along with the best (but who doesn't?).

With all of THAT said. I notice that I will sometimes to the stereotypical thing where I adapt to my situation, and in the attempt to try to not steam roll everything in my path I sometimes just take the persona of the group's current stance.. it doesn't really bother me, but others could see it as .. posing I guess or whatever kids call it these days. It was uglier when I was younger, and I was completely cool with stealing a wheelchair (with the justice-like excuse that the dude was a total dirtbag trying to drive drunk again which got him hurt in the first place along with someone else) just because the rest of the party was. While I didn't actually play a part, I also didn't speak my mind--something I normally would have done. I don't really feel bad about it at all, with the exception that I probably would have opened up a lot more if I wasn't so busy trying to not seem like the dick everyone thinks I can be when they first meet me + the groupthink mentality + the mentality of the other types around me having some subconscious peer pressure involved.

I think the hardest work I've done on myself, and is still a work in progress, is realizing that I am not immune to things like normal human nature.

 

[ayoitsStepho]

In real life interactions I have trouble getting along with 7's and 9's. My college had the student body take the enneagram test and then sorted us by our types. I found that the majority of people that annoyed me happened to be 7's and 9's. Granted, I have a few friends who are typed that way, but those are the two types that have the ability to irk me.
Some of the 7's in my life run from one high to the next and don't want to acknowledge negative emotions. One guy in particular gets physically angry when someone discusses something negative going on in their life. He personally wants everyone to be positive and to ignore the bad stuff in life. He's more of an extreme case. I just know that I struggle to connect with a few of the 7's in my life because I want a heart to heart relationship that's built on being transparent about the good and bad. I'm Not much of an "experience" person so I'm sure that doesn't help the friendship. It's hard to say for sure. My sister is a 7, but she's pretty mature. We get along but she's kind of stubborn while I can sometimes be too open minded. She likes to do stuff, that's how I believe she builds her relationships. We both want relationships, we just want different things out of them. She wants someone to go on adventures with her, to do crazy shit. I want someone I can reveal myself to completely and talk about the good, bad and all the other crap that my mind makes up.

As for 9's, I already know my disdain has to do with jealousy. Some of the guys and girls at my school who are 9's seem to have no problems making friends. They're like awkward in a way that draws these individuals in. They're just there, always enjoying and being content. They're simple and I feel complicated in a hot mess kind of way. Like they're cute awkward, kinda Zooey Deschannel, while I'm a freakin monster who tears through the playground with my issues.

Please excuse the gross generalizations.

 

[1487610420]

ISFP that wants to talk

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

I don't know anyone of my disintegration point, tbh. I'd love to comment on the dynamic, but alas.

I also imagine there would be many factors involved, including health levels, cognition, circumstances under which both parties are interacting...etc.

I doubt that's even worth 2 cents...but...

 

[Daydreaming Swan]

The exaggerated friendliness of type 2 makes me uncomfortable, and it kind of bothers me when they refuse to believe they are anything but angelic. If you don't agree with their advice (more 2w1) or share every detail of your life with them (more 2w3) or give them any criticism about their "help," they think you're an ungrateful brat. They also tend to mistake my enjoyment of alone-time for misanthropy.
There is one 2w3 I can get along with, but that's because she is willing to work on her own problems instead of focusing on everyone else's.

I admire 1w9s' devotion to their principles and find them very inspiring (I think my dad might be 1w9) I had a really bad experience with a 1w2 (who would give me a list of all the minor mistakes (i.e. forgetting to push in a chair after leaving a table) I'd made in a week), but I'm sure it doesn't apply to all 1w2s.

 

[Mal12345]

The exaggerated friendliness of type 2 makes me uncomfortable, and it kind of bothers me when they refuse to believe they are anything but angelic. If you don't agree with their advice (more 2w1) or share every detail of your life with them (more 2w3) or give them any criticism about their "help," they think you're an ungrateful brat. They also tend to mistake my enjoyment of alone-time for misanthropy.

Teach them about personality types.

 

[aanule]

Interesting... I'm a 9 dating a 6, and I definitely feel like I'm carrying the emotional weight in this relationship. His stress is stressing me out because I'm constantly trying to absorb it for him and he just keeps creating it. And I feel like I'm adding to it by expecting his time and that makes me feel guilty. So, I can definitely see how this dynamic could be true given the right situation.