[Traditional Enneagram] Detatched 4w5 or Emotional 5w4?

[BlakeUndefined]

Hello.

I am either an INFJ with low scores on feeling, or INTJ with low scores on thinking or possibly an INFP. I know there is a huge difference between those. Im trying to find my way out of this mess. My enneagram type is either 4w5 or 5w4.
I feel emotions, but not all the time. Im not always aware of how i feel inside. I live in my head quite a lot. I am not expressive. My failures in Art and Music, clearly show my lack of expressive capabilities. I want to express myself, but i can't. If only i could translate my thoughts into words people understand.. I am quite.. Well, my past wasn't good, i always think about it, mainly the mistakes i make. i can't seem to change anything as of now due to my identity crisis and intense apathy. In terms of My physical structure, well, I've always found it humorous how i could observe other people but remain completely unaware of my physical attributes. Emotions are felt yes, inside. i rarely express them, i actually only express them when I'm around others as i don't wish to hurt them by coming off as insensitive. I am detached, but emotional. I love incorporating emotion in my art, but they tire me. My Fe is high, well, basically, i feel enough to actually confuse myself with being a 5 and a 4. The problem is the core. My core is unknown. I noticed a lot of 4w5 and 5w4 tend to get lost between their cores. Possibly temporarily unaware of their core, whether they're a 4 or 5. Basically, i can come off as a 5, but also as a 4. Hence, the title. Do feel free to ask me questions if you are willing to help me with this complexity. I appreciate your replies, if any.

 

[nowisdifferent]

Hi, BlakeUndefined,
I can definitely see why you're wondering whether you're a 4 or 5. It sounds like you have a big connection to both. From what you said in your post, I got the impression that you are a 5w4. Your detachment and your tendency to observe others both sound 5-ish. In addition, your unawareness of your physical attributes seem much more 5-ish than 4-ish. 4s, as image types, are generally highly concerned with how their bodies appear. 5s, as head types, tend to live in their heads, which is something you mentioned. You said that emotions can tire you. I am a 4, and I seem to have an infinite capacity for emotional turbulence. A question I have for you is--what is your deepest desire? Is it more important to you to create and maintain an identity (4) or to be knowledgeable and competent (5)? Also, in relationships, which of these is more true of you: do you like to have space and not be intruded upon (5) OR do you long to find a savior who can help you (4)?

 

[BlakeUndefined]

Hi, BlakeUndefined,
I can definitely see why you're wondering whether you're a 4 or 5. It sounds like you have a big connection to both. From what you said in your post, I got the impression that you are a 5w4. Your detachment and your tendency to observe others both sound 5-ish. In addition, your unawareness of your physical attributes seem much more 5-ish than 4-ish. 4s, as image types, are generally highly concerned with how their bodies appear. 5s, as head types, tend to live in their heads, which is something you mentioned. You said that emotions can tire you. I am a 4, and I seem to have an infinite capacity for emotional turbulence. A question I have for you is--what is your deepest desire? Is it more important to you to create and maintain an identity (4) or to be knowledgeable and competent (5)? Also, in relationships, which of these is more true of you: do you like to have space and not be intruded upon (5) OR do you long to find a savior who can help you (4)?

Hi,
Thank you for replying.

I do feel emotions, i can feel a lot, but after a while i start detaching. I want to feel it, feeling feels natural, but it never lasts for long without making me feel tired. Physically tired. Apathy. I do feel deeply though. I can't imagine living without emotions. An example: When i lose someone i love, to death, on the outside, in front of others, i can seem uncaring, insensitive but on the inside i feel everything. I may seem rigid and cold, but i am outwardly expressive, only to to those i love (which, as of now, is nobody). This may seem confusing, but my deepest desire is to create an identity based on the knowledge i have. I identify a lot with 4s having an unstable sense of self. I have been misunderstood a lot in the past so i took a vow of silence. I stopped exposing and expressing myself. I don't feel confident exposing my skills, abilities and well, myself. Though, i want to. I tend to feel as if my life has no meaning. Followed by insignificance. I am self-loathing but not that much. It can't last for long. I conceptualise a lot so i guess that disrupts my natural flow of "feeling". In terms of relationships, i can't help but say that i have always longed for someone, not much of a saviour, but someone who understand me, a soulmate kind of thing, someone who'd understand my need for space but still stick with me. Like someone who doesn't try to take my sadness away and accompanies me down whichever path and emotion I'm on, with me knowing that i have something to fall back on to. Yes i fantasise a LOT. Sadly, the kind of relationship I long for is one that exists only in my head. When I'm involved with my thoughts, i remain unaware of how I'm feeling, when I'm not conceptualising but imagining or fantasising, thats when everything pours out, all my emotions.

heres a slight description of me when I'm stressed. Its something i was forced to write:
"When everything eventually seems like its "too much", his mind overloads, everything moves faster, feels faster. He scatters, flying in all directions; everywhere, but nowhere. He breaks out of his introverted-ness and suffer the consequences when he try to go to sleep. He gets passive-aggressive longing for privacy and understanding. Understanding, that was all he wanted. Someone to understand, to save, him. He suffers from insomnia and physical apathy. Slowly, he feels the need to express himself. He gets so many ideas, all at once, all so tiring, hard and painful. He then realises that he has no one to talk to about these. He can't just go out there, into that harsh world and share them, no, he'd just end up being misunderstood again and again, and again. He incinerates those ideas, crush his dreams and hide in his head, where he remains somewhat catatonic for a while. Time reminds him that his head is causing all this. The world becomes dull, while his thoughts become dark. "I no longer find solace in my head, i have to escape." He breaks out of that shell only to drown in his heart, his rotten soul. That sea of emotions sweep over him like a tsunami. He Feels Everything. Everything his parents and everyone else did, the uselessness, the hurt, the guilt. He starts to use his fantasies to escape, however morbid they are, they're better than those emotions. Things become bleak while he, becomes eccentric, and nihilistic. Cynical and Bored, un-entertained and cold, Self-loathing and masochistic. Things cool down for a while and then he starts feeling all over again. He starts painting himself into a corner. He sabotages himself, limits his options by going against the norm and keeps everything inside, seeming to be the normal "Blake" to everyone else. Logic and rationalisation slowly knock him down like a hammer and a nail. He did this to himself. The emotions wouldn't let him move out from that corner so he does the only thing he can, he stays away from his head and heart, and starts to dig a hole. He hides there and keeps on digging whenever it gets tougher and slowly, he falls into oblivion. A void. A void that lets him view everything without feeling anything much, a void that lets him feel 2 kinds of emotions: Joy and Sadness. Joy that he can't feel anymore pain. Sadness as living without feeling, to him, isn't living. Joy that he is no longer afraid of his thoughts. Sadness, cause he knows that he can only face his thoughts as outside, the external world, is scarier than them. Introjection means nothing at this point and he moves further. Further, into the darkness. He eventually finds a little boy sitting on a chair. He joins him, sitting next to him, saying nothing. Just waiting, together. "

It feels like that, though, i think my imagination must have tweaked, it a bit....