[Traditional Enneagram] type 9 and friendships

[thoughtlost]

I do not think that there is a thread for this, so...
Let's talk about how type 9s can use their powers to ruin friendships










*examples would look beautiful in this thread, don't you think?*

 

[gromit]

Let's talk about how type 9s can use their powers to ruin friendships

yessss I hate friendshipssssss...

 

[Firebird 8118]

How would 9s do that?

 

[thoughtlost]

How would 9s do that?

...I am sure they can? Just we don't talk about it. Any type can, right? I feel like the talk about 9s is one-sided... as if all they do is just simply avoid making people feel bad.
Also, there is a chance I am a 9 too ...and I feel like I have destroyed a friendship; this is just to gather some ideas on how this happens across people of this type.

Edit:: Would you like to hear how I think I have screwed things up?

 

[thoughtlost]

yessss I hate friendshipssssss...

......

lol jkjkjk

But I really like feeling really close to one person and being my best for her. It has only happened once, but man, it is an amazing feeling. I liken it to having a special place in someone's pocket. And the person carries me around with her no matter where she goes, who and what she sees and what she feels.

 

[Firebird 8118]

...I am sure they can? Just we don't talk about it. Any type can, right? I feel like the talk about 9s is one-sided... as if all they do is just simply avoid making people feel bad.
Also, there is a chance I am a 9 too ...and I feel like I have destroyed a friendship; this is just to gather some ideas on how this happens across people of this type.

Edit:: Would you like to hear how I think I have screwed things up?

Ah, now I get what you mean. Your post did remind me of a time in junior high school when I ended my friendship with a sweet (but talkative) girl named Ariel, just because my sister told me to [though also partly because the endless talking used to drain my energy, which looking back on it I wasn't quite able to realize/put into adequate words at the time - it wasn't until my senior year of high school that I found out I was introverted]. I still regret it to this day, and wish I could apologize. Not really sure if this would count in the thread here, though...

I'd be interested in hearing your story, in any case. I'm always looking for stories from other people, I find myself engrossed in them as if they were real-life novels.

 

[gromit]

Would you like to hear how I think I have screwed things up?

Obviously!

 

[highlander]

I do not think that there is a thread for this, so...
Let's talk about how type 9s can use their powers to ruin friendships

Inattention. Failure to stay in touch. Overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers.

 

[thoughtlost]

lol, I will do my best for you guys to honor your wish!

*la la land music....*

I haven't had many opportunities to feel so close to someone that we become one, but just over a year ago, such an opportunity arrived. It did not just arrive, it ripped my heart right out of my chest and I will never forget both the pain and the ecstatic joy I felt. She would always invite me to have breakfast lunch and dinner with her, and every time... no matter what I was doing, I would say yes, as if my life depended on it. Being with her was like no other experience I have ever had (and I am not joking).

So things would go smoothly, yet bumpy at the same time. I would say things and it looked like I was upsetting her. I wanted to get to the heart of the matter immediately, but I felt deflected each time. Once (or twice or thrice...) she would do things that would make me feel a bit unheard ...and it would send me to into a state of despair where that would be all I could think about...

I would try to talk about it, but was deflected. And it left me feeling like a fool... like a crazy person. So I tried to bury my feelings with that- that I am just a crazy over-emotional/sensitive person.


But finally and recently, those feelings have come back to haunt me. The same friend I have been talking about has had issues with another, and this other friend has had the same feelings I have felt. So much so that I cannot ignore it. She feels unheard and misunderstood, just like I have. Because I can relate to the feeling so well, I am unable to be unbiased and when I talk to her, the one who has provided me with so much joy in such a short time, yet I can never feel like myself around...

So when that same friend decides to complain about the issue at hand, I feel so strongly for the girl who feels unheard... that I can not properly see where she is coming from. I become blindsided by my own hurt that I ignore the hurt of another, the one I care about more than myself.

We have not officially fallen out (there has been official speaking of how she feels and how I feel), but I am sure my best friend feels betrayed by me. She can no longer depend on me to always see where she is coming from.

I feel as if I have crushed her soul.... and now I have crushed mine.

The end.

 

[Firebird 8118]

lol, I will do my best for you guys to honor your wish!

*la la land music....*

I haven't had many opportunities to feel so close to someone that we become one, but just over a year ago, such an opportunity arrived. It did not just arrive, it ripped my heart right out of my chest and I will never forget both the pain and the ecstatic joy I felt. She would always invite me to have breakfast lunch and dinner with her, and every time... no matter what I was doing, I would say yes, as if my life depended on it. Being with her was like no other experience I have ever had (and I am not joking).

So things would go smoothly, yet bumpy at the same time. I would say things and it looked like I was upsetting her. I wanted to get to the heart of the matter immediately, but I felt deflected each time. Once (or twice or thrice...) she would do things that would make me feel a bit unheard ...and it would send me to into a state of despair where that would be all I could think about...

I would try to talk about it, but was deflected. And it left me feeling like a fool... like a crazy person. So I tried to bury my feelings with that- that I am just a crazy over-emotional/sensitive person.


But finally and recently, those feelings have come back to haunt me. The same friend I have been talking about has had issues with another, and this other friend has had the same feelings I have felt. So much so that I cannot ignore it. She feels unheard and misunderstood, just like I have. Because I can relate to the feeling so well, I am unable to be unbiased and when I talk to her, the one who has provided me with so much joy in such a short time, yet I can never feel like myself around...

So when that same friend decides to complain about the issue at hand, I feel so strongly for the girl who feels unheard... that I can not properly see where she is coming from. I become blindsided by my own hurt that I ignore the hurt of another, the one I care about more than myself.

We have not officially fallen out (there has been official speaking of how she feels and how I feel), but I am sure my best friend feels betrayed by me. She can no longer depend on me to always see where she is coming from.

I feel as if I have crushed her soul.... and now I have crushed mine.

The end.

Aww it can be difficult when you feel more sympathy for the one who shared the same feelings you did, than for your best friend. Is there any way you could have both talked openly to each other about this?

 

[thoughtlost]

Aww it can be difficult when you feel more sympathy for the one who shared the same feelings you did, than for your best friend. Is there any way you could have both talked openly to each other about this?

I don't know. I really hope so? I am not good at expressing myself, if I tried to make it more about myself that would be better than trying to mask my feelings.

I think it is because I naturally feel fear that I would not be accepted for my point of view or understood because of it... that is what is getting it the way.

...idk if other 9s understand where I am coming from, though... idk if it is a 9 thing.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I do not think that there is a thread for this, so...
Let's talk about how type 9s can use their powers to ruin friendships

I would say the primary issue would be avoidance and shutting down communication. There can also be over-tolerance on the surface that gradually builds into resentment, leading to avoidance of the person. I suspect that in all but extreme cases, the break could be mended if the other person takes the initiative. The problem is that the 9 may not.

 

[gromit]

[MENTION=18445]thoughtlost[/MENTION] have you read about 9s "merging" ?

They can forget themselves and get lost in another person but then start to grow resentful abt it.

I have been similarly dazzled/drawn in by a new friend's magnificence. It is a really fun and exciting feeling. But to go so far into it where we start to forget ourselves and our own feelings, that starts to be come really destructive and the friendship can begin to be unhealthy for both people. I was pretty angry and upset for a good couple months because of this friendship with this other person (who was also living in my apartment at this time) It was extremely imbalanced and was sucking the energy out of me.

I wouldn't say it's ONLY you/your fault, but unfortunately you are the person you have most control over.

Your job as a friend is not to be available whenever the other person wants yo, to know what she is feeling at all times and to sympathize unconditionally with her. Your job is to be yourself, your kind, thoughtful, fun self, and her job as your friend is to realize that you have needs and feelings of your own, to respect that.

It's a good first step that you have talked with your friend and both know how the other feels.

 

[thoughtlost]

[MENTION=18445]thoughtlost[/MENTION] have you read about 9s "merging" ?

They can forget themselves and get lost in another person but then start to grow resentful abt it.

I have been similarly dazzled/drawn in by a new friend's magnificence. It is a really fun and exciting feeling. But to go so far into it where we start to forget ourselves and our own feelings, that starts to be come really destructive and the friendship can begin to be unhealthy for both people. I was pretty angry and upset for a good couple months because of this friendship with this other person (who was also living in my apartment at this time) It was extremely imbalanced and was sucking the energy out of me.

I wouldn't say it's ONLY you/your fault, but unfortunately you are the person you have most control over.

Your job as a friend is not to be available whenever the other person wants yo, to know what she is feeling at all times and to sympathize unconditionally with her. Your job is to be yourself, your kind, thoughtful, fun self, and her job as your friend is to realize that you have needs and feelings of your own, to respect that.

It's a good first step that you have talked with your friend and both know how the other feels.

...buttheheartwantswhattheheartwants...

loljkjkjk

I guess I have read about merging... but for me, I really need examples to drive the point home... hearing about how it happens to 9 in a general fashion makes me think "that's not me, that would never happen ....I bet I am not even a 9!"

And did I make you believe that we've talked about it?? woops lol.

 

[thoughtlost]

I would say the primary issue would be avoidance and shutting down communication. There can also be over-tolerance on the surface that gradually builds into resentment, leading to avoidance of the person. I suspect that in all but extreme cases, the break could be mended if the other person takes the initiative. The problem is that the 9 may not.

So how exactly does the nine shut down communication?

 

[Ene]

Inattention. Failure to stay in touch. Overloading themselves with activities and tasks they are doing for strangers.

Absolutely agree with this and [as a 9] would add to it that there have been times when I deliberately, quietly walked away from friendships because they were too draining and leading me in a direction that was not right for my life.

 

[Firebird 8118]

I don't know. I really hope so? I am not good at expressing myself, if I tried to make it more about myself that would be better than trying to mask my feelings.

I think it is because I naturally feel fear that I would not be accepted for my point of view or understood because of it... that is what is getting it the way.

...idk if other 9s understand where I am coming from, though... idk if it is a 9 thing.

Ah, I see what you mean. I often worry about saying or doing something that will ruin my relationship with others, even if it's something that's true to my character. I suppose it's one thing that 9s tend to have in common, since we just want to get along with everyone, right?

However, with that said, it's probably not healthy for us to repress our true selves like that, just to be liked by others - we not only cheat others in the process, but we cheat ourselves as well.

 

[thoughtlost]

Absolutely agree with this and [as a 9] would add to it that there have been times when I deliberately, quietly walked away from friendships because they were too draining and leading me in a direction that was not right for my life.

hhmmm interesting. For me (not sure of my type), I can't just simply walk away... I mean, relationships do die because I have physically moved (like moving from state to state) in my past
or things fizzle away because I was never really 10000% percent interested in the first place (although I do seem enthusiastic when I talk to people and I llloooovvveee listening to people), so it is usually very easy for external situations to cause me to lose contact.

BUT ...but when I do care... it's emotional intense (for me at least). I do not feel like I quietly walk away.


So, sure, I do not stay in touch in general... but it's not because I am overloading myself (I don't even know what overloading myself means).... idk how to describe it at all...

Edit:: I think my confusion lies with the fact that it sounds so rational when you explain it Ene...
And then when highlander explains it, it sounds as if type 9s are simply distracted because they were too busy with reality (jobs, family, ....random things). So it doesn't match with my experience.

 

[thoughtlost]

Ah, I see what you mean. I often worry about saying or doing something that will ruin my relationship with others, even if it's something that's true to my character. I suppose it's one thing that 9s tend to have in common, since we just want to get along with everyone, right?

However, with that said, it's probably not healthy for us to repress our true selves like that, just to be liked by others - we not only cheat others in the process, but we cheat ourselves as well.

Yeah, I mean, I do not do that with everyone ever. A lot of the time, I REALLY look like I am agreeing when I am actually really disengaged/don't appreciate the person's stance.
I actually feel like I am NOT that good at repression like the descriptions say about 9s...
Right now, I wish I was better at it for the sake of the person I want to be close to.

 

[Firebird 8118]

Yeah, I mean, I do not do that with everyone ever. A lot of the time, I REALLY look like I am agreeing when I am actually really disengaged/don't appreciate the person's stance.
I actually feel like I am NOT that good at repression like the descriptions say about 9s...
Right now, I wish I was better at it for the sake of the person I want to be close to.

Hmm... in that case, I would recommend you talk to her openly about it and calmly explain your POV. If she regards you well as a best friend, I'm sure she will understand. Two people who are that close can't remain upset with each other forever, after all.

But the bottom line is, you do need to express yourself openly and take an active approach. I understand that it's tough, but ultimately it can be a liberating experience once you try, because what we need most of all is to be comfortable as ourselves (even while trying to be agreeable with others).