Apologies if this is somewhat lacking; I had to rush the end. If you would like any further insights / clarification, please let me know!
[MENTION=18576]Sanjuro[/MENTION]
Disclaimer
Aside from too much cake and caffeine, I’m in a relatively relaxed / normal state of mind. It’s perhaps worth bearing in mind that I no longer have any concept of sleep, what with being the father of a 7 month old girl who has more energy than a small star and all. Future ESTP, mark my words.
What is making me unsure of type?
Honestly? The legitimacy of the Enneagram as an instrument of typology.
People far more knowledgeable than myself on the subject profess it to be genuinely helpful, and I’m sure they do find it to be so on some level. I’m still waiting to be convinced, however; I’ve long since put all of my stock into JCF, as I can easily discern my functions operating within my own psyche. Jung makes a lot more sense to me, basically.
I understand that they (JCF / Enneagram) assess two different layers of personality (to a degree, I’d argue – JCF also deals with the subconscious) but I find the enneagram to be hugely ambiguous – especially when you introduce wings, tritypes and whatever else there is.
For what it’s worth around these parts, I’m an INFJ. A real, confirmed one. I mention this because there are a lot of mistyped people and I really do give a shit about accuracy.
Baseline mood
My baseline state of being is basically ‘off’. I am tranquil, calm and very much a typical dominant perceiver. I’m disconnected from my environment, adrift in my inner world. Comfortable, peaceful and completely relaxed. I quite often have epiphanies or feelings of transcendence whilst in this state, occasionally being overwhelmed by an inner sense of warmth or optimism towards the future – an optimism which has always been with me, powerful and utterly convincing.
I dislike interruption, and people disturbing my baseline are almost exclusively looked upon with contempt. Yeah, that’s harsh… but all I want to do is surf my inner world; the external is a constant invasion, unwanted and largely unimportant. I tend to my close relationships, offering unconditional love and caring. I’m a warm person, a good person – but I do not like being bothered.
Describe Yourself
Being me is often frustrating. Being an Ni dominant means that I have an impossibly rich inner-world, but for some god forsaken reason I am unable to express it. I occasionally write (but I always hate what I produce – perfection or GTFO), I can’t draw, I have no musical talent… it’s like having a wonderful gift that can never be shared. I’d love to be able to express my creativity, but I can’t.
I also struggle to memorise just about anything. My memory is so poor that I regularly forget what I just walked into a room for. I forget dates, times, everything. It’s as though I coast through life as an observer, encased in a bubble of disconnectedness. This is a huge hindrance.
Energy levels are another concern of mine. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of stamina – I can keep on going often long after others have fallen by the wayside, but my energy is very steady and doesn’t have many peaks. The hare vs the tortoise, sort of thing.
When younger, others told me that I was warm, approachable and overall a nice person – and that still rings true to a degree… but I also get told I can be aloof, arrogant and even callous. I don’t think I am, though. Not truly – I just have less patience than I used to.
As for what I think of myself… meh. Serial underachiever; too hard on myself; demand the impossible (perfection); often dissuaded by a deep-rooted fear of… something or other; indolence can be a thing… sometimes I feel that I really can’t cope with the world – especially when I have
But overall? I’m a fiercely optimistic guy who has a lot of ambition, and the older I get the clearer I become on what to achieve and how to get there; I’m becoming more and more action-oriented.
Issues in Life
Depression – I have tussled with it quite often, though I’m now largely over it. Only insane knackeredness sees me sliding back towards it. Although rather simple, I found that setting and consistently hitting targets seems to keep my head above water. Also, indulging in the odd activity which once upon a time would have bored me senseless, such as gardening or cleaning the cars.
Procrastination – holy shit have I procrastinated a lot in life. I’m far better than I used to be, but I still very easily fall victim to it. It’s a comfortable inertia, but I can’t maintain it as I used to – I have responsibilities these days, and not fulfilling them eventually makes me angry. It can be /so/ hard to get off my arse to do something, but when I do I usually feel much better about myself.
Qualities I don’t have but would like to develop
Artistic expression; logical thinking in the external sense; a quick wit; confidence; better self-control; more emotionally open (I’m quick to laugh and smile and I’m ENDLESSLY giving to my wife and daughter, but that aside I’m rather closed off).
Friends / relationships have drifted away because…
I didn’t want them in my life any more. The ‘INFJ doorslam’ is a very real thing. If someone isn’t genuine or at the least of any benefit to my progression, I get rid of them. I’m only interested in knowing people who have good hearts OR can help me out in life… so long as I can help them in return, too; it’s always a two-way avenue. I like give and take, and resent people who are selfish and only ever take.
Types I identify with the most
5
For - Fear of intrusion, *need* time alone, emotionally detached
Against – nowhere near as cerebral as I’d like to think I am ;p
7
For – Overwhelming optimism for the future; a desire for adventure and escapism; what I typed as the very first time I took an Enneagram test
Against – Quite a level-energy person; I never actually get to indulge my adventurous side; I’m not really all that drawn to novelties
9
For – Inertia; quite happy to go with the flow; get really pissed off if people try to assert any kind of authority over me in a demeaning fashion.
Against – Probably not as people-pleasing or conflict avoidant as the descriptions would have you believe. In fact, I can be quite confrontational if someone steps over the line or pushes my buttons; I’ll happily call someone out on being a dick if needs be.
Types least like me
2
In spite of training to be a counsellor, I’m really not all that oriented to helping people in general. I wish to help people who are going through what I have experienced (and worse) but this is equal parts of wishing to help and also finding the human mind both fascinating and well worthy of further study.
What I don’t do, however, is fall over myself in an attempt to help others. I’m kind and considerate, but I can be very inadvertently unaware of the needs of another. As I say, this is inadvertent – I’m not a cold person, but I’m usually unavailable owing to the fact that I’m in my own head.
3
I have ambition and I was image conscious when younger (did ok for myself, had ‘nice’ cars) and to this day I like to dress reasonably well, but I’m not someone who masks my true self. I am what I am, and if people don’t like that I really couldn’t give a shit.
4
God no. Just…
God. No.
6
Security oriented? Like authority? Structure?
See 4.
There may be some kind of fear at my core, but I’m uncertain.
8
As much as I’d like to be, I’m not at all domineering or ‘powerful’ as a presence. Apparently I’m a strong silent type.
Attitude to finding love
I found it. Prior to finding it, er…
No idea, actually. I just hoped I’d meet someone one day. It had to be someone from a faraway land with a different culture, though – I found people from my own turf boring. I guess there was a definite ‘fantasy’ element to finding her. Actually, yes – I wanted ‘the one’ to blow me away. My wife is Spanish and she blew me away, so that worked out nicely… y ahora hablo un poco espanol tambien. Joder!
My superego tells me…
If I recall correctly (and I may not - I have a terrible memory, remember) my Superego is responsible for chastising me… right? If so, it tells me that I should increase productivity by at least 500%, grab my balls and go out into the world; it tells me that if I put my mind to it, I can achieve great things.
In order, my ideals are:
- To be powerful, strong and unassailable (a force of nature! RAWR!)
- To be accomplished and successful (I wish to change the world for the betterment of mankind)
- To be knowledgeable (I often feel the need to be smart)
- To be loving and benevolent (love is where it’s all at)
- To be “okayâ€, having it together (I like to appear accomplished)
- To be devoted and loyal to a person or cause (I need a cause I care about)
- To be sensitive, original, unique and creative (meh)
- To be a loveable person (meh)
- To strive to become / behave like a good person (mega meh)
Felt senses
No lo sé y no comprende, lo siento.
Core fears, in order
- Failure (the thought of lying on my death bed having not accomplished my goals really shits me up)
- Boredom, grunt work, and being exposed as a charlatan (the fear of being derided for not being an expert on a subject; boring grunt work is terrifying
)
- Abandoned / feeling lost
Mainly failure, and my inertia can further exacerbate this. I have tried multiple paths to success in life, but most have been unfulfilling and disappointing. Mainly academia – I find working within a strict framework and being dictated to by people who are often very unintelligent /ultimately/ demeaning.
