[Traditional Enneagram] Type 3 -- Need to be *told* if someone cares

[Carbarrawr]

People can show me through acts all they want that they care about me, but if they don't tell me they care about/love me (in a non-romantic way), then I have a really hard time accepting that they do. I really need people to tell me that they like what I'm doing, thinking I'm doing a good job, or that they just really do care about me. As an ENTP, however, I really don't open up to people very easily or become emotionally attached, and honestly if I'm not emotionally attached I don't care if they like what I'm doing or if they love me. I couldn't care less. But when I do become emotionally attached, it is very very important they tell me that they care about me or else I am sure they'll leave me, and I'm terrified of that.
Do other type 3s have this problem, or have had experiences with people who were type 3 and had this problem?

 

[yeghor]

People can show me through acts all they want that they care about me, but if they don't tell me they care about/love me (in a non-romantic way), then I have a really hard time accepting that they do. I really need people to tell me that they like what I'm doing, thinking I'm doing a good job, or that they just really do care about me. As an ENTP, however, I really don't open up to people very easily or become emotionally attached, and honestly if I'm not emotionally attached I don't care if they like what I'm doing or if they love me. I couldn't care less. But when I do become emotionally attached, it is very very important they tell me that they care about me or else I am sure they'll leave me, and I'm terrified of that.
Do other type 3s have this problem, or have had experiences with people who were type 3 and had this problem?

If you are sure of you being a type 3, you may also start entertaining the possibility that you are not an ENTP but another MBTI type.

Check my signature and notify me if you are interested in exploring, please.

 

[á´…eparted]

Unfortunately 3's are rather uncommon here, so it might be difficult for you to find one to discuss this with. Nevertheless, 3 is part of my tritype and I do identify with it to a decent degree.

I occasionally have trouble with what you mentioned. Much more so in a work setting. External metrics, validations, etc are really important as it explicitly tells me, clearly if I am doing something right or wrong. Without it I can easily get stuck in the "they have said nothing... what do they think? Is this good enough?". I'm an E1 so I am very perfectionistic and am very very adverse to doing something wrong, so that is where my drive for this comes from.

With that said, it's impractical to always need external words of affirmation. Too strong of a need actually pushes people away and results in them actually disliking you. Personal development has to be done, and there needs to be a level of self reliance, and having faith that you are good enough, doing the right thing, and are valued by another person. It's absolutely fair to desire and want it every now and again (we all do), but there does need to be a balance. It comes with experience. There are some people that simply don't say very often (if at all) what they think of you, and as you mentioned only show it. That is how they do it. Since that is how they act, that's what we have to read into. It sucks because it's not how it's wanted, but it is still proof that you're valued.

 

[Alea_iacta_est]

Seems heavily Fe Tertiary over simply Type 3, though I imagine that the type would amplify the importance of Fe Tertiary's agenda.

In Socionics, another system, the ExTp's Fe is labeled the Hidden Agenda, which means that the type has an unconscious desire 'to be loved' (in the optimistic perspective, the base idea is that ExTp's simply want a response) by (all or most) others, which, when coupled with Fi Vulnerable, means that they prefer open expression and statements of love greatly over unspoken love that can be inferred from actions or similar sentiments (Fi Hidden Agenda, 'to love'). Putting this into play with the Social Recognition of the Three should, therefore, amplify it, in a way.

 

[EJCC]

Yeah I'm not sure if it's 3 either. Could be Fe, and more likely than not could be your 2 wing.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

Seems heavily Fe Tertiary over simply Tyne 3, though I imagine that the type would amplify the importance of Fe Tertiary's agenda.

I'm heavily fe-tert, though and I don't need to be told I'm loved or anything. Makes me feel awkward. For me it's more about the social code.

To the OP, I don't see 3 and ENTP as incompatible at all. Actually, the two types are often noted for correlating.

What you say sounds like a validation issue and may be due to the influence of your wings, 2 and 4. 2s need reciprocation of their feelings or they feel less-than and worthless. 4s feel that they'll be abandoned sooner or later and are often in dance between needing validation and being sure they're not worthwhile.

So it doesn't seem out of keeping with the image center, though I've never heard this directly attributed to 3s.

 

[Alea_iacta_est]

I'm heavily fe-tert, though and I don't need to be told I'm loved or anything. Makes me feel awkward. For me it's more about the social code.

"Loved" here is socially appreciated, that you hope people will like you.

 

[Azure Flame]

3s seem to live off of praise. If you need to hear it verbally that makes me wonder if you are actually enfj 3, a rather common pairing. Fe doms usually demand verbal affirmation and excitement from others to the point of it getting obnoxious.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

"Loved" here is socially appreciated, that you hope people will like you.

Still. I really expect people NOT to like me, and would be uncomfortable if they expressed their appreciation.

It's really more about making others comfortable so I don't feel uncomfortable, awkward, or mean. In my case.

 

[Alea_iacta_est]

Still. I really expect people NOT to like me, and would be uncomfortable if they expressed their appreciation.

It's really more about making others comfortable so I don't feel uncomfortable, awkward, or mean. In my case.

I find it rather strange that I can see you are interpreting the information in a rather subdued Fi approach, when what I was trying to describe was the -Fe perspective.

I imagine you read that and pictured someone close to you or a group of friends telling you that they greatly appreciate you, or some sort of deep sentiment being expressed where you are the focal point of the group's attention, which wasn't what I actually meant. -Fe for the ENTp is more focused on maintaining a positive, fun atmosphere where happier, more group-oriented emotions can be expressed without more deep sentiments that are seen as uncomfortable or over-the-top (Fi subdued), and making people think you are an enjoyable, fun person to be with. In this sense, it can be interpreted that "To be loved" means that the ENTp wishes for others to enjoy him or her, or at the very least like you as a friend. However, it is worth noting that the ENTp has been described by some Socionists as being rather susceptible to flattery.

-Fe = minimization or avoidance of negative emotions, prevention of quarrels, scandals, and other situations causing emotional instability, which is valued as more important than creation of positive emotional effect.

In relation to the thread at hand, however, when involved in a romantic relationship and needing to be assured of another's feelings for them, the ENTp usually prefers spoken words to convey affection or love (preferably in a lighthearted manner).

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

However, it is worth noting that the ENTp has been described by some Socionists as being rather susceptible to flattery.

In relation to the thread at hand, however, when involved in a romantic relationship and needing to be assured of another's feelings for them, the ENTp usually prefers spoken words to convey affection or love (preferably in a lighthearted manner).

I speak only from the Myers Briggs/JCF perspective, which is clearly a bit different in its interpretation from Socionics. It's not been made clear to me whether or not the two systems actually overlap, but I would likely not be and ENTp according to this here.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't necessarily associate this with Fe, as many here are doing. It is commonly noted that ESTJs have a great need for positive verbal feedback, even though they may not be generous in giving it.

If there is any tie to type, then with being an image type, verbal feedback is more validating of WHO you are than acts which show someone cares for you (which is more about their feeling & manner of expression than YOUR identity). Which one is going to boost a self-image more? The one which directly describes you.

 

[Guy V. Malaxia]

I identify with this. Affirmation is a useful metric for determining my own worth because it eliminates my personal bias. Internal praise seems so hollow and meaningless.

At work I went through a dry spell of sorts, during which I received virtually no feedback about my own performance, and it killed my motivation. A few weeks later when I received some praise from a couple different people it gave me a morale boost and even heightened my productivity, despite my aptitude not really changing much.

 

[Cloud of Thunder]

I identify with this. Affirmation is a useful metric for determining my own worth because it eliminates my personal bias. Internal praise seems so hollow and meaningless.

At work I went through a dry spell of sorts, during which I received virtually no feedback about my own performance, and it killed my motivation. A few weeks later when I received some praise from a couple different people it gave me a morale boost and even heightened my productivity, despite my aptitude not really changing much.

Yes. I need to know how other people are evaluating what I do. Otherwise I can never be sure I'm doing whatever it is I have to do or that I'm doing it well.

That and it feels good to receive praise.

 

[Dr Mobius]

Oh dear the e3s love praise and stuff responses.

Firstly everyone likes praise its external validation and we are all far too social a creatures not to be partial to it. Sure we'll quibble over form but everyone is partial to some form.

Secondly an e3 is an unconcious projection of societal expectations. Most things they do from the outside perspective scream “am I not everything you expect me to be?” The problem is that in order for them to search out praise they would have to be aware that that is what they crave. It requires a self awareness and mental health that would in all likelihood render such praise superfluous.

Look carbarrawr I would guess that somewhere along the line you developed trust issues. The solution is to control the trigger, it might be the lack of affirmation or it might be something that catalysis’s these feelings, then you need to learn to control it. People use various ways to control them be it mediation, a physical activity anything so long as you feel in control. You have my sympathies relying on the kind words of others sounds both stressful and isolating.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I'm a 9 but I'll answer since 3 is still my heart. Yes, I've always needed verbal approval or recognition. I constantly wonder what others think of me. I think this is also related to having inferior Fe.

 

[wildflower]

words of affirmation might be your love language as well. see: love language book/test