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[Traditional Enneagram] Childhood scenarios for enneatypes: Law of three (What caused your enneagram type)

R

Riva

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http://pstypes.blogspot.com/2010/01/chilhood-scenarios-for-enneatypes-law.html

Three Basic Orientations

The three orientations are an expression of the Law of Three, on which the entire Enneagram concept is based. This law states that there are three kinds of forces that act in the human nature - the Active force, the Responsive force and the Neutral force and that each person is born with a natural preference for one of them.

These three forces are similar to the Hornevian Groups (Assertive, Compliant and Withdrawn respectively), but they are used here in a different context, to describe inborn traits and parental styles rather than established personality.

Here are the associated traits for each basic orientation:

Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.

Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.

Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.

Apparently, each child comes into the world with one of these predefined attitudes toward their environment and each parent will address their children with a certain parenting style, which can be, but isn't necessarily determined by their Enneagram type.

Any Enneagram type can use any of the three orientations to attend to their children. For example - an Enneatype 5 can be a Responsive parent, an Enneatype 8 might use a Neutral approach with their offspring, while an Enneatype 1 may lean towards an Active style. What determines the environmental component of a child's future type is not necessarily the main caretaker's type, but rather their particular approach to relating to the child.


Nine Interaction Scenarios: Child vs. Parent

Here are the 9 childhood scenarios that correspond to each of the 9 Enneagram types.

Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

Active child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

Active child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

Responsive child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

Responsive child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 2

In this case, the Responsive child will act in a pleasing, appealing matter but will most likely encounter an indifferent attitude on the part of the Neutral parent. Confronted with this apathy and lack of interest, the child can only resort to becoming even more pleasing and irresistible to the parent, until he manages to break through the shell of indifference and obtain the desired rapport. Such types will be helpful, empathetic, lovable and attractive and will have a knack for getting on the same wavelength with their parents - they know when and how to approach them in order to obtain their attention.

Growing up, the Responsive children will learn to intuitively sense and assess other people's moods and will know exactly how to fulfill their needs in order to be appreciated and loved by them. They have a wide repertoire of seductive behaviors and know exactly which approach to use in order to successfully engage others into a close relationship.

Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

Neutral child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 3

This Neutral child's solitude is encouraged by his parent's own withdrawal and indifference, which doesn’t necessarily make the Neutral child feel openly rejected, but rather intrigues and challenges him. Serious, focused and rather unemotional, this youngster will most likely try to fulfill his occasional need for attention by impressing his parents with outstanding accomplishments and high aspirations, which make him feel worthy and valuable in their eyes.

Later in life, these children become motivated achievers who put great emphasis on results, performance, efficiency and a successful image that will make others appreciate and admire them. Deep inside they dislike being ignored because it makes them doubt their own value, therefore they tend to hide their weaknesses and flaws and project a desirable, attractive, "I-have-it-all" persona.
 

HongDou

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I think there's already a thread about this. And I may have already posted in it, but oh well.

Active child and responsive parent is totally me and my mom.

Like [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] said, having an ENFJ mom laying everything out for you before you even know you need to get something done makes life so much easier. She definitely pampered me throughout my childhood.

I also was a pretty commanding/domineering person as a kid haha. I definitely lead my group of friends a lot and did whatever on a whim. I mean, I was also friendly and upbeat. My energy was just generally more commanding.

Also, whenever I wanted something, I usually ended up getting it. I have no problems admitting I'm a spoiled kid, because it's something I'm willing to work around. I still act spoiled even around my friends and I do throw little bitch fits when I don't get what I want. I often even dramatize a something really small that may have irritated me. Once I read a comparison between E2 and E7, and E7s were listed as the "emotionally volatile" ones and E2s were listed as the "emotionally stable" ones. I was really confused, but then it occurred to me that when my mom (2w3) feels something it's much more personal, explosive, etc. So while I (7w6) have more ups and downs, my mom has bigger highs and lows even though they don't occur as often.

Also, my mom's childhood was totally responsive child and neutral parent. She was the third child of four, so she never got much attention. Because of that, she's incredibly generous and overly-lovey with me. To a lesser extent with her friend, but she's still much about giving in order to get that attention she always wanted from her parents.
 

five sounds

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Responsive child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

i think this fits my situation best. it also is true to some of the weird stuff i experienced when it came time to 'be a grown up'. currently trying to unlearn my 'do the right thing' mindset in favor of a more balanced and natural one.
 

Amargith

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Anyone else feel that they or their parents are a 50/50 split of two of these tactics? :unsure:
 
L

LadyLazarus

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Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

This.

It's a scary accurate portrayal of the relationship I share with my mother. Especially in my early teens.


Active child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

This, however, sounds more like the relationship between my father and I.
 

Zarathustra

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I wonder whether the enneagram 4 makes sense.

Sounds exactly like the e4 I've been most close to.

I'm not the biggest fan of this construction, as I don't think it fits everyone, but I do think there's something to it.

I'd say I was a Responsive kid, with a Responsive mother and Active father.

The former leads to a 6, and the latter a 1.
 

Zarathustra

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Anyone else feel that they or their parents are a 50/50 split of two of these tactics? :unsure:

I think it may be more useful to think of this kinda like the Helen Fisher framework.

So, for example, I'd probably be a Responsive/Active child.

My father would probably be an Active/Responsive parent (or maybe Active/Neutral).

My mother would probably be Responsive/Active (but very much weighted towards Responsive).
 

Amargith

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k, well I'd say I was responsive as a child and active as a teenager then :shrug:

And hell, moved to neutral after realising it wasn't getting me anywhere.

Mom was responsive/neutral. Dad was...neutral/active, perhaps.
 

yeghor

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I think I was 70%responsive 30%active child, dad was 70%neutral 30%active, mom was 70%active and %30responsive...

So roughly responsive child - neutral dad = 2 and responsive child - active mom= 1
 

Ene

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Thanks for tagging me, but I'm not sure what I think of this yet. There are so many variables besides parenting that go into making a person's enneagram type. At least I would think there are.
 

Animal

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[MENTION=6164]Riva[/MENTION]

The only descriptions that make sense for me are 4, 7, and 8, which happens to be my tritype but - I was absolutely an active child, hands down.

As for my parents, that's a bit more complicated , but there was no doubt I was an active child. This is part of why I mistyped at 8 and I've wondered why I was so explosive at home like that if I'm a 4, so it is interesting to read this.



My parents were not neutral per se, but I perceived it that way. I perceived my mother loving my brother more, and my father being unpredictable. Alternately, I also perceived my mother being trustworthy and there for me (though she was MORE there for my brother by comparison, in my mind).. and I perceived my father loving me more than anyone else, but he was emotionally distant (as a 7w8) and yet very active in praising me, my talents, being supportive etc, and he was very responsive about my accomplishments, but also very critical of my every blunder.

My mother fought with me because I was mean to my brother and constantly accused her of loving him more, and compared everything she ever gave him, saying I wanted that too, and it wasn't fair.

I fought with my father a lot but I never doubted that he cared about me more than he cared about anyone else. The problem is that he cared about himself the most, and didn't always have time or interest to deal with other people. You could never predict if a request would be met with an angry "leave me alone." or a welcoming "Sure, I'll help!" You could never predict if your accomplishment would be criticized or praised. My first diary entry is a stick figure drawing of me holding a knife and smiling, and my father's eyes gauged out, bleeding. Most of my focus was on hating my father AND craving his approval, and where my mother was concerned, my focus was on competing with my brother for her love.

However, ACTIVE is an understatement for my childhood. I became increasingly withdrawn as I felt more and more as though my parents wouldn't understand me. I built up a fantasy world in my head and it was elaborate. In kindergarten I was "queen of the playground," ordering the other kids to play the fantasy roles to enact the story in my imagination. I had trouble sleeping all my life, and stayed up for hours continuing the same fantasy stories over many years. I started a diary early and started writing songs at 8, about these characters which I sang about and wrote about in first person, because they were me. The first major character was homeless, tortured but free, in love with a boy that didn't love her back. There were always romantic fantasies and they often involved rejection. These things were so elaborate, that slowly I drew away from the world. By age 11 I wrote my first 400 page sci-fi book, and also started compiling photo-stories with a friend who was willing to pose in costume and take photos of me in costume. I also had a music career by 13, singing and playing piano at local bars. I spent lunch periods alone practicing singing and piano in music rooms or writing books. Due to my love for music and fantasy I was increasingly isolated - I did not relate to other kids in theater whatsoever and found them loud and obnoxious whereas I was there for music rather than attention. I did not relate to kids in school becasue I had a passion for music and theater. I had one friend who was spiritual and involved with music, an 8w9, and he "understood me" but he only dated pretty girls, so I felt alienated like I wasn't pretty enough to be cool like his other friends. Most of my energy went into music and writing and practicing and performing. My parents were supportive of this. Then I became very sick at 16, almost died, and many things changed.

I see a pattern in my childhood of feeling isolated, alienated, rejected, loved "less" in comparison and not good enough, but if there is one thing I always was, it's 'active.'
 

greenfairy

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I think I was neutral and my mom was responsive and my dad was neutral, and the 5 and 3 descriptions fit me pretty well. I wasn't really the description of active or responsive when I was a child, but I was very social until we moved; so I didn't prefer solitude. But I could deal with it. It's more later in life when I was a teenager on that I perceived my mom as smothering.

Edit: And the 9 could fit as well; my mom could be active at times and my stepmother might have been, and I just got this perception about authority figures somehow that they were bossy and controlling and didn't care and I should minimize my needs and go away. That was around middle school I guess. I've never been afraid to question authority figures though, or take them on as equals. I just on some level fear punishment.
 

Lady_X

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i feel like i was neutral, responsive and active and my parents were neutral, responsive

i always had encouragement and attentiveness but they certainly didn't do everything for me or were in any way overbearing.
 

kyuuei

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Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

While I would put my mom in a responsive role, I usually dealt with my dad.. and so, this really stands out.
 

HongDou

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While I would put my mom in a responsive role, I usually dealt with my dad.. and so, this really stands out.

Yeah, my dad was a neutral parent. But I interacted with my mom way more than him so I don't really consider much in how he played into my development.
 

kyuuei

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Yeah, my dad was a neutral parent. But I interacted with my mom way more than him so I don't really consider much in how he played into my development.

It's funny how that works. Both my parents lived in the same house, and I even saw my mother more--but my dad was definitely the head of household, and it was very obvious that everything my mom said/did was in support of his decisions. We were all in his shadow.. my middle sister appealed to him via being overly affectionate and throwing tantrums whenever he wasn't buying her charms.. my youngest sister rebelled entirely.. and I went a very different route from them. :laugh:
 

gromit

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This doesn't really sound like my childhood at all...

My mom was prob 50-50 responsive/active, my dad pretty split between the three actually. First decade of life was pretty idyllic in a lot of ways, plenty of affection. But I do remember in pre-teens and teenage years that I was keeping out of the way, minimizing problems, because my parents had a lot to deal with, with 4 other younger siblings, and my older brother was pretty problematic and caused them some grief. I still hate to tell my parents when things aren't going well for me actually. Don't want them to worry.

Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.
 
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