[Traditional Enneagram] handprint.com Enneagram test

[Such Irony]

I got 5. Then I changed my answer to the first question and got 4.

 

[Ism]

Performer


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 3, the PERFORMER, also known as the ACHIEVER or the SHOWOFF.

You have such an impoverished understanding of life that you can compulsively believe your task is the most important activity in the universe. Your ratlike view of self-improvement means you will blindly run any treadmill a cunning supervisor or spouse puts under your paws.

Your SECRET JOYS include getting awarded little plaques and faux-parchment certificates, discovering your smiling photo in some cheap industry publication, making your coworkers look like lazy idiots, and shouting salutations to people you spot in parking lots.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will pay more attention to someone other than you, some jerk will ask you a question you're not smart enough to answer, you'll get fired to make way for a younger worker, or you'll arrive at a meeting with your fly open.

The description for nine is equally awesome:

Peacemaker

Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 9, the PEACEMAKER, also known as the MEDIATOR or the DISHRAG.

You are very accommodating, harmonizing, good-natured, and cravenly spineless in all things. You will do almost anything to maintain a peaceful environment and will cave in to any intimidation in order to avoid confrontation.

Your SECRET JOYS include sing alongs, minivans with junk hanging from the rear view mirror, all-white neighborhoods, ASCII email pictures of Santa and his reindeer, little snacks in cut crystal dishes, and anything that let's you croon aloud, "oh, isn't that cuuute!"

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood, that someone will bump into your car, that you will encounter a rude waitress, or that you will knock over something in a store and everyone will look at you.

 

[Vasilisa]

2
Helper​

Your core personality is probably
Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER
also known as the NURTURER or the GOFER.

You're so needy in relationships that you will go to any length to please other people, no matter what they do to you in return. You either become a manipulative neurotic or a quivering love-slave to your idolized King of Kings.

Your SECRET JOYS include being humilated for affection. You love to cringe and scrape for just a few crumbs of love, to violate someone's privacy in the service of your morbid curiosity, and to work so hard for someone that you make yourself sick.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will find out how needy you really are, that you will turn into a cheap slut, that your lover is a cheap slut, that your Christmas gifts will get returned, or that people laugh at you behind your back. Which they do anyway.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You may take on impossible tasks in order to feel worthy of drawing breath, or climb on a cross in order to berate your precious loved ones for their ingratitude after all the many things you've done for them.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST. You start to get in touch with your feelings, develop a fondness for tacky art, wear loud fabrics, and blather on about the progress of your inner healing from the love addiction trip you've been on for so many years.

 

[KDude]

Thinker


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER, also known as the INTELLECTUAL or the NERD.

You are so logical and analytical that your guts are all dried out. Your expertise can't hide the fact that you're afraid to plunge into the real world. You fundamentally abhor ambiguity or complexity. The more perceptive and observant you are, the more often you feel the paranoia of your own shortcomings, particularly toward other people.

Your SECRET JOYS include doing math or crossword problems in your head, teaching children how to multiply, determining experimentally the exact best heat setting on your toaster, keeping careful track of expenses and gas mileage, and reading the columns of Marilyn vos Savant.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will lose a treasured tool, that you'll mispronounce a common technical term, that you'll get ripped off by a common tradesman, or that you will blunder away your Queen for a Knight and two Pawns.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST. You become so desperate to appear smarter than everyone else that you seek to become an expert in all things, driving you either into ironic deconstructionist bullshit or into a chronically argumentative but platitudinous approach to every topic that you happen to talk about.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 8, the LEADER. You expiate on topics with such boundless and pointless erudition that you appear once or twice on public broadcasting, purchase environmentally friendly products far in advance of your neighbors, and develop a politically correct speaking style hung on nothing but abstract nouns and passive verbs.

---

No.

 

[Owlesque]

5, because the option that led to 1 was way off...

 

[SingSmileShine]

Enthusiast


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST, also known as the DILETTANTE or the QUITTER.

You are highly responsive, exciteable, and enthusastic about sensations and experiences. So lively, vivacious and spontaneous, in fact, that if you had an ounce of insight you'd realize you're living a life without purpose. Whenever you stumble into a partial awareness of your utter superificiality, you can usually find a drug, new movie, or wild infatuation to help you forget about it.

Your SECRET JOYS include having an orgasm, eating more than your share, driving too fast while drunk, flirting, having sex without a condom, telling your boss to go fuck himself, breaking windows, and developing a deep relationship with a dumb barking animal.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will not have anyone to party with on weekends, that you'll be trapped at home on a rainy day with nothing to do, that you will have to work for more than two months at a stretch, that your love interest will ask you for a commitment, or that you will run out of drugs.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You plunge into a twelve-step program, religious movement, or new age self-improvement fraud in a desperate search for order and structure in your life. You preach your conversion loud and often, until the novelty wears off and you wander off to something new.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You turn your flighty and lightweight personality toward self-conscious philosophizing and moralizing, discovering that you're much more in demand with your drinking buddies when you can offer them platitudes to ridicule. And best of all, because you seem to be sincerely grappling with life's mysteries, nobody much minds that you never stick with anything long enough to find real answers.

 

[011235813]

You can take this tongue in cheek enneagram quiz HERE.

My result:

Artist


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 4, the ARTIST, also known as the VISIONARY or the SLACKER.

You are so wrapped up in your own quote sensitivity, creativity and intuition unquote that you are completely walled off from other people. You would rather stare at a painting or listen to music than deal with reality. You retreat inside your imagination not because it is profound, but because it's never challenging.

Your SECRET JOYS include showing your independence by acting in ways that other people would consider utterly stupid, and expressing your individuality over and over and over and over -- until you are up to your ears in your own unique personal individual rut.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that people will just get bored with you, that you will end up with a job in an insurance company or bank, that you will actually have to work hard on a regular basis, or that you will get so depressed with your inadequacies that you will kill yourself. No loss to the world if you do.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 2, the HELPER. This could lead you to barter your body or your self-respect -- under the guise of expressing your independence or tasting a forbidden love -- to get a feeble semblance of intimacy.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You think of yourself as a work of art, develop intricate exegetical accounts of your life history, expound Your View of You to whoever will sit still for it, and singlehandedly put one or two therapists into wealthy retirement.

 

[LadyLazarus]

Enthusiast


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST, also known as the DILETTANTE or the QUITTER.

You are highly responsive, excitable, and enthusastic about sensations and experiences. So sensitive, lively and spontaneous, in fact, that if you had an ounce of insight you'd realize you're living a life without purpose. Whenever you stumble into a partial awareness of your utter superficiality, you quickly find a drug, party, or sensual infatuation to help you forget about it.

Your SECRET JOYS include having an orgasm, skipping dinner for dessert, driving while drunk, flirting with strangers, having sex without a condom, telling your boss to go fuck himself, leaving clothes on the floor, and developing a deep connection with a dumb barking animal.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will not have anyone to party with on weekends, that you'll be trapped at home on a rainy day with nothing to do, that you will have to work the same job for more than two months at a stretch, that your love interest will ask you for a commitment, or that you will run out of booze.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You plunge into a twelve-step program, religious movement, or new age self-improvement fraud in a desperate search for order and structure in your life. You preach your conversion loud and often, until the novelty wears off and you wander into something new.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You turn your flighty and lightweight personality toward fatuous philosophizing and cosmic moralizing, discovering that you're much more in demand with your drinking buddies when you can offer them platitudes to ridicule. And best of all, because you seem to be sincerely grappling with life's mysteries, nobody cares that you never stick with anything long enough to find real answers.

 

[011235813]

Your SECRET JOYS include having an orgasm, skipping dinner for dessert, driving while drunk, flirting with strangers, having sex without a condom, telling your boss to go fuck himself, leaving clothes on the floor, and developing a deep connection with a dumb barking animal.

I feel like these are everyone's secret joys ever ... or should be.

 

[wolfy]

I feel like these are everyone's secret joys ever ... or should be.

They do seem like they would be universal. Except for the animal, he can have a steak and shut up.

 

[Forever]

Enthusiast


Your core personality is probably Enneagram Type 7, the ENTHUSIAST, also known as the DILETTANTE or the QUITTER.

You are highly responsive, excitable, and enthusastic about sensations and experiences. So sensitive, lively and spontaneous, in fact, that if you had an ounce of insight you'd realize you're living a life without purpose. Whenever you stumble into a partial awareness of your utter superficiality, you quickly find a drug, party, or sensual infatuation to help you forget about it.

Your SECRET JOYS include having an orgasm, skipping dinner for dessert, driving while drunk, flirting with strangers, having sex without a condom, telling your boss to go fuck himself, leaving clothes on the floor, and developing a deep connection with a dumb barking animal.

Some of your SECRET FEARS are that you will not have anyone to party with on weekends, that you'll be trapped at home on a rainy day with nothing to do, that you will have to work the same job for more than two months at a stretch, that your love interest will ask you for a commitment, or that you will run out of booze.

Under STRESS you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 1, the IDEALIST. You plunge into a twelve-step program, religious movement, or new age self-improvement fraud in a desperate search for order and structure in your life. You preach your conversion loud and often, until the novelty wears off and you wander into something new.

AT YOUR BEST you begin to move toward Enneagram Type 5, the THINKER. You turn your flighty and lightweight personality toward fatuous philosophizing and cosmic moralizing, discovering that you're much more in demand with your drinking buddies when you can offer them platitudes to ridicule. And best of all, because you seem to be sincerely grappling with life's mysteries, nobody cares that you never stick with anything long enough to find real answers.

 

[chickpea]

Slacker-Quitter-Dishrag tritype

 

[brainheart]

Those type four secret fears are actually right on. Ugh.

It had me choose between 4 and 7, pretty obviously.

The test seems to be divided between-

Thinkers: 1,3,5,8
Feelers: 2,4,6,7,9

Weird.

Slacker-Quitter-Idealist fits me quite well.