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Enneagram 4....or 9?

pinkgraffiti

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The way you describe her sounds like a 9 with a 4-fix.

oh god bring me a knife.... i dont understand the enneagram, i want to cry :cry:

[MENTION=5418]Lady X[/MENTION] she might start wanting to kill me, because i already asked her to take 2 tests, and she's basically only doing it for myself, and begrudgingly because she doesn't believe in personality theories (and says the tests are very shallow, and i have to say, in this she's completely right)
 

Lady_X

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oh god bring me a knife.... i dont understand the enneagram, i want to cry :cry:

@Lady X she might start wanting to kill me, because i already asked her to take 2 tests, and she's basically only doing it for myself, and begrudgingly because she doesn't believe in personality theories (and says the tests are very shallow, and i have to say, in this she's completely right)

she is yes...but from the outside one could see a set of behaviors and read them one way...but knowing their type gives you further understanding of the underlying motivations which can be so useful...as you know..

i mean...i used to think my bf was so/sp but he's sp/sx which honestly helped us get to a point of truer understanding of what's going on...i mean...just the conversations that surrounded that topic...so hopefully she'll get that it's just out of love that you want to explore her deeply in this way...
 

pinkgraffiti

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she is yes...but from the outside one could see a set of behaviors and read them one way...but knowing their type gives you further understanding of the underlying motivations which can be so useful...as you know..

i mean...i used to think my bf was so/sp but he's sp/sx which honestly helped us get to a point of truer understanding of what's going on...i mean...just the conversations that surrounded that topic...so hopefully she'll get that it's just out of love that you want to explore her deeply in this way...

yeah i agree with what you're saying, that's my goal too. but now i've decided that until i dont understand how the enneagram works and what defines the types, i'm not going to bother her more with this
 

Lady_X

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sure...that's fair too...maybe just leave it all out then and just have discussions about things you feel you don't understand.
 

Thalassa

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I think she sounds like an IxFP 4w5 (that's why she seems so "emotionally stable" and "detached" with needing all this alone time...it's not because she's a nine, its the five wing).
 

Thalassa

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i agree with sx but i dont with so. her sp is pretty strong, stronger than mine.

- she won't leave the house if it's a bit cold of rainy (i dont give a shit)
- she's the one that worries about the health of what we eat and likes to go shopping for food everyday (i just stock the house every week)
- she's normally the one who cooks
- she's very sensitive to her body sensations (si?) and has a very sensitive stomach, is always complaining about her sensations etc
- she always wants to be in the house, while often i want to get out
- if we're out she will get tired after 1 hour or 2. she's very balanced and cannot be outside for a long time without complaining that she needs to rest
- she's always the one worrying about "stupid" things like "it's too bright let's close the shutters" or "close that window or we'll get sick" or "we are not drinking enough water, it's important to be hydrated" or "don't go out without taking a scarf or you'll get a cold"
- she's also the one who's more into the aesthetics of the house...i dont give a shit
- interestingly, she has no concerns over money

If it wasn't for me, i think we would almost never leave the house. i like to see my friends more often than she does...she'll meet like 1 person once a week, and that's it. she's totally fine just being the 2 of us.

I thought sx/sp or sp/sx for her from your initial post. I don't see so at all.

The ...errr...huge ego probably comes from being both a 4 and an Fi type.

Also sexual dominants tend to come across that way. All of my sx dom exes were "superstars" in their own minds, and I'm the same way.

The only sx dom person I haven't seen act this way is the ISxJ 5w4 sx/sp I was describing in another thread, but he's quietly pretentious and snooty.
 

OrangeAppled

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i agree with sx but i dont with so. her sp is pretty strong, stronger than mine.

- she won't leave the house if it's a bit cold of rainy (i dont give a shit)
- she's the one that worries about the health of what we eat and likes to go shopping for food everyday (i just stock the house every week)
- she's normally the one who cooks
- she's very sensitive to her body sensations (si?) and has a very sensitive stomach, is always complaining about her sensations etc
- she always wants to be in the house, while often i want to get out
- if we're out she will get tired after 1 hour or 2. she's very balanced and cannot be outside for a long time without complaining that she needs to rest
- she's always the one worrying about "stupid" things like "it's too bright let's close the shutters" or "close that window or we'll get sick" or "we are not drinking enough water, it's important to be hydrated" or "don't go out without taking a scarf or you'll get a cold"
- she's also the one who's more into the aesthetics of the house...i dont give a shit
- interestingly, she has no concerns over money

If it wasn't for me, i think we would almost never leave the house. i like to see my friends more often than she does...she'll meet like 1 person once a week, and that's it. she's totally fine just being the 2 of us.

As an sp-dom 4 INFP, none of the bolded would apply to me; too much focus on practical stuff. Sometimes I think about eating healthy out of vanity & cuz of my GERD (which I left undiagnosed for years; I like to go the "ignore it til it goes away" route until i see it's not going away).

That's not rally how sp manifests in a 4 anyhow. It's more about indulgence & autonomy. A lot of wanting to be a homebody is just introversion, and if she's a withdrawn type (4 or 9) then that's heightened.
 

Mal12345

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Please help me understand my girlfriend's type. I'm pretty sure she's an INFP, but I'm unsure if she's a well-developed 4 that looks like a 9 or...a 9? I'm recruiting my special army of experts: [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION], [MENTION=5418]Lady X[/MENTION], [MENTION=6877]Marmotini[/MENTION], [MENTION=15291]Mane[/MENTION], [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION], [MENTION=14857]fia[/MENTION], [MENTION=5723]Tiltyred[/MENTION], [MENTION=5871]Southern Kross[/MENTION], [MENTION=7160]Nijntje[/MENTION], [MENTION=6971]21%[/MENTION], [MENTION=3216]Thursday[/MENTION]

OK, some things:

- she's a writer, and she started writing because she wanted to be recognized as special and an artist, when she was younger...she also went through stages where she wanted to be an actress to be recognised for her beauty and sensual energy etc....
- but now she's more resigned and often wonders if it's worth it all, because "in the end we'll all going to die..." etc, and that maybe it would be easier to have a more secure career as an arts critic etc
- she really likes the upbeat energy and the motivation, that I bring, and when we met I think I stroke her ego because I really liked her texts. she says I give her strength and a purpose in life..i help her create
- she's much more balanced than me. when we met i was given "rules" that we couldn't talk or see each other everyday because she really needed her space etc
- but after just a couple of months it all changed and she became the more dependent one in the couple, i feel
- she's very physical, she needs hugging and kind words everyday, all the time
- she doesn't like arguments and is known in her group of friends as the peacemaker
- she wants a relationship that is calm and peaceful (i'm the opposite, i like drama and once in a while i try to stir shit up in our relationship so that we can discuss what has been under the surface..and start again, more authentically)
- the few times i've seen her crossed she gets really panicky....starts telling me what to do, has opinions about everything, will be completely all over the place with Te (which then leads me to lose my patience because i'm not in a zen state anymore, so then my Te comes in in full force and I sort shit out)

I'm sorry to find that I'm not one of your special experts. I had a few articles on the Enneagram published in the Enneagram Monthly, but that wouldn't make me one of your special experts, of course.

I do have a question for you, however. Why do you use JCF in this forum? It's not that you can't, of course. But if you're a 7, then your statement that "my Te comes in in full force and I sort shit out" is better described as 7 moving to 1.

Your friend is an INFP, which is difficult to E-type. The types that are out of physical space of the body are 4, 5, and 9. And she is a Supine personality type - "You are motivated by the prospect of being able to contribute. Your inner need is to look humble and to serve a greater purpose. You need to be accepted and you need to protect other's weaknesses. You want recognition for your service and you want opportunities to serve. You want to contribute to a higher calling and you want to be protected. You are caring, giving, and gentle. You are dependable and loyal. But you can also be insecure, manipulative, and weak willed. You can be indecisive and occasionally harbour ill will."

6w7>9w8>4w3
 

Mal12345

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oh god bring me a knife.... i dont understand the enneagram, i want to cry :cry:

[MENTION=5418]Lady X[/MENTION] she might start wanting to kill me, because i already asked her to take 2 tests, and she's basically only doing it for myself, and begrudgingly because she doesn't believe in personality theories (and says the tests are very shallow, and i have to say, in this she's completely right)

Tell her that my knowledge of personality types helped me adjust from living with a projective ISFJ to living with an introjective ISFP.

The reason this is important is that some of the ISFP's reactions appeared to be ISFJ reactions, and I was reacting to it the same way I did in my ISFJ relationship of 13 years. Recognizing that there are deep differences between people led me to conclude that what I was seeing was not in fact projection but introjection. Recognizing this enabled me to adjust emotionally and behaviorally to a relationship with an ISFP.

It's difficult enough to jump from a relationship of 13 years straight to a new one. Adjustment is made a lot quicker recognizing that I don't have to respond in the new relationship the same way I habitually responded in the previous relationship of 13 years.
 

chickpea

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I'm sorry to find that I'm not one of your special experts. I had a few articles on the Enneagram published in the Enneagram Monthly, but that wouldn't make me one of your special experts, of course.

:laugh: you are too much
 

Mal12345

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"she tells me that she used to crave emotional meaning and suffering in relationships etc in the past (but she's completely not like that now)....she had a million lovers and strange stories etc...can someone's enneagram change with time?"

Borderline personality disorder. This is normally outgrown and has nothing to do with the enneagram. However, enneagram type can change, that's why the enneagram itself has lines. There is also movement up and down the levels of development.

If she's not primarily a 6w7 then I would go with 9w8.
 

OrangeAppled

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I'm sorry to find that I'm not one of your special experts. I had a few articles on the Enneagram published in the Enneagram Monthly, but that wouldn't make me one of your special experts, of course.

I do have a question for you, however. Why do you use JCF in this forum? It's not that you can't, of course. But if you're a 7, then your statement that "my Te comes in in full force and I sort shit out" is better described as 7 moving to 1.

Your friend is an INFP, which is difficult to E-type. The types that are out of physical space of the body are 4, 5, and 9. And she is a Supine personality type - "You are motivated by the prospect of being able to contribute. Your inner need is to look humble and to serve a greater purpose. You need to be accepted and you need to protect other's weaknesses. You want recognition for your service and you want opportunities to serve. You want to contribute to a higher calling and you want to be protected. You are caring, giving, and gentle. You are dependable and loyal. But you can also be insecure, manipulative, and weak willed. You can be indecisive and occasionally harbour ill will."

6w7>9w8>4w3


That's a great point!


"she tells me that she used to crave emotional meaning and suffering in relationships etc in the past (but she's completely not like that now)....she had a million lovers and strange stories etc...can someone's enneagram change with time?"

Borderline personality disorder. This is normally outgrown and has nothing to do with the enneagram. However, enneagram type can change, that's why the enneagram itself has lines. There is also movement up and down the levels of development.

If she's not primarily a 6w7 then I would go with 9w8.

Being Borderline would make someone seem 4ish.... I think 6 is a good call though.

Would you call integration/disintegration a CHANGE? I mean, doesn't your core type stay the same?

I don't "believe" in tri-fixes or tri-type though. I think core type with its lines & wings explains it all.
 

pinkgraffiti

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[MENTION=13589]Mal+[/MENTION] sorry, I didn't know you were an expert. Were the articles you wrote peer-reviewed? Can you show them to me?

If you're the expert, then I'd like to ask you a question:

Is there a more objective way to assign enneagram (core) types to people rather than reading descriptions and making wild guesses? Is there anything concrete and objective about the enneagram and, if so, where should I start?
For instance, using MBTI, I don't need to read descriptions of ENFP to decide I'm one (that would never have helped me): I just need to read about cognitive processes, which are much clearer and objective.

With the enneagram, is there something similar? If I try to think about triads, then I would assign her core type automatically to the heart triad.

Yesterday I read this on a forum, let me know if it makes sense to you:

There are two variables, each with three values. 3 x 3 = 9, so that's the number of types right there.

The first variable is sort of the behavioral variable. This is the one that really decides how a person approaches challenges is life. to put it vaguely. The best single words I've found for these types so far is pursuing, avoiding, and anticipating.

So, pursuing types have targets that they very pro-actively pursue. It could be that they seek pleasure, or they aim to pre-emptively tackle problems, the actual target of their pursuits is determined by other variable. They are impatient, impetuous people. They also tend to over-estimate the benefit end of cost-benefit analyses, which is one of the things that make them aggressive. They expect to profit from adventures. These types are 3, 7, and 8.

So then we have avoidant types. They generally over-estimate the cost end of cost-benefit analyses. These people tend to spend more time on avoiding what they don't like than they do on seeking what they do like. When they can't avoid stress, they often fall into an almost fatalistic state of passivity. Throwing weight around is something these types seem to have particular distaste for. These types are 4, 5, and 9.

So, the anticipating types do not pursue nor avoid these highlights of life. They stand and deal with them whenever they come. They handle life like a tetris player. These people have a more balanced view of cost-benefit analysis, but perhaps too balanced sometimes. These people don't like making dramatic decisions the same way the other two can, which can make for missed opportunites. These types are 1, 2, and 6.

The second variable is one that regards emotional states and responses. They can be turbulent, supressive, or controling, for lack of better words.

The turbulent ones are the people that do not hinder their emotions at all. They let their moods tempestually flare with every feeling as it is set off. Their emotions run wild. They often seem to tilt toward being more negative than positive, but I think this is largely just because there are more negative emotions than positive ones, not because these types particularly want to dwell on negativity. These types are 4, 6, and 8.

The suppressive types try to keep their emotions from speaking up. They tend to believe that they can work best when they are not hearing thier emotions much or at all. By defualt they are well composed people. But when they fail to successfully supress their emotions, it often results in awkward displays. These types are 1, 3, and 5.

The controlling types are the ones that try to manipulate the flow of their own feelings to their advantage. These are the people that try to think positive. They make an effort to both display desirable emotions to others, and to also frequently reassure themselves of such good feelings. Most usually pick feelings like confidence, happiness, or love to project, but they may develop whatever feeling is appealing to them. They are also prone to suffering from denial, and usually take it very hard if their self-assurances can be completely disproven. These types are 2, 7, and 9.

So, to summarize the types:
Pursuing/Turbulent = 8. Avoiding/Turbulent = 4. Anticipating/Turbulent = 6. Pursuing/Suppressive = 3. Avoiding/Suppressive = 5. Anticipating/Suppressive = 1. Pursuing/Controlling = 7. Avoiding/Controlling = 9. Anticipating/Controlling = 2.


If I follow these variables, then she doesn't pursue not anticipate events, she just avoids them, and she is in touch with her emotions, so that makes her a 4.

PS: I've been thinking about what you meant when I mentioned using Te as a stress function and you replied I should use enneagram terms: "a 7 going to 1" (I liked that). OK, then for an ENFP that isn't a 7, like for instance a 4, would the equivalent of the MBTI stress function (Te) be a 2...? does it mean ENFPs type 4 do not lash out in the same way I do?

[MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION] what is it to be an Sp-dom then?
 

Thalassa

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Mal, what you are saying is absurd. BPD fades gradually into middle age, it doesn't disappear in your twenties magically. Its very deep rooted and also tends to be more severe than what pink described.
 

Mal12345

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"The turbulent ones are the people that do not hinder their emotions at all. They let their moods tempestually [should be "tempestuously"] flare with every feeling as it is set off. Their emotions run wild. They often seem to tilt toward being more negative than positive, but I think this is largely just because there are more negative emotions than positive ones, not because these types particularly want to dwell on negativity. These types are 4, 6, and 8."

Or, maybe 4, 6, and 8 live their lives with a greater sense of metaphysical deprivation, although I tend to agree there are more negative emotions to draw upon. But I don't know if anybody has actually counted them.
 

pinkgraffiti

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Just click the link. It goes through the Wayback machine internet archive.

oh, i quoted the wrong link, i meant to quote the link for the test.

anyway, i read that website but... it's the same thing: descriptions. but descriptions are subjective, they are the reflection of something. that's what i would like to understand: 2 or 3 nice equations explaining the logic behind the theory. you're a Ti dom, i guess you'd like that too...or?
 

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[MENTION=13377]pinkgraffiti[/MENTION]
based on this, I'd say 9w1>4w3>6w7 Sx/??
she seems less self centered and narcissistic than a core 4w3, less bitter and reclusive than a 4w5 and more internally calm than either (4s are an emotionally volatile and reactive type)

Is there a more objective way to assign enneagram (core) types to people rather than reading descriptions and making wild guesses? Is there anything concrete and objective about the enneagram and, if so, where should I start?
For instance, using MBTI, I don't need to read descriptions of ENFP to decide I'm one (that would never have helped me): I just need to read about cognitive processes, which are much clearer and objective.
good question.
the answer:...kind of but not really. the Enneagram is all about mental/ego traps, natural pitfalls and misconceptions about reality based on one's worldview. typing correctly requires life experience and reflecting upon the pitfalls once has faced in life. while we all share traits of all 9 types, a pattern will begin to emerge when one is honest with one's self in evaluating his/her shortcomings. this pattern is your enneagram.
 
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