What Each Type Looks for in a Relationship - & What Interferes

[OrangeAppled]

Do these hold true for you? If so, how have you overcome these tendencies in your relationships (or how did they get in the way)?

Type One
What they look for
Shared purpose and values, equality, fairness, integrity.
What gets in the way
Insisting on being right at the expense of their connection with the other. Manipulates by correcting others—and by playing on their sense of guilt and inadequacy.

Type Two
What they look for
Emotional connection, intimacy, warmth, affection.
What gets in the way
Insisting on exclusivity and ever more closeness. Manipulates by finding out others' needs and desires and by creating secret dependencies.

Type Three
What they look for
Social suitability, competence, admirability, attractiveness.
What gets in the way
Insisting on career and social status before the relationship. Manipulates by charming others and by adopting whatever image will work.

Type Four
What they look for
Communication, listening, acceptance, emotional honesty.
What gets in the way
Insisting on having all of their emotional needs met immediately. Manipulates by being temperamental and making others walk on eggshells.

Type Five
What they look for
Curiosity, intensity, involvement, non-intrusiveness.
What gets in the way
Insisting on personal space and non-interference. Manipulates by staying preoccupied with ideas and projects and by detaching emotionally from others.

Type Six
What they look for
Commitment, dependability, shared values, solidity.
What gets in the way
Self-doubt and reactivity: vacillating between need for closeness and need for distance. Manipulates by complaining and by testing others' commitment to them.

Type Seven
What they look for
Stimulation, adventure, excitement, variety.
What gets in the way
Insisting on postponing making commitments. Manipulates by staying upbeat and hyperactive and by insisting that others meet their demands for gratification.

Type Eight
What they look for
Dependability, loyalty, strength, sexual compatibility.
What gets in the way
Insisting on maintaining control of others. Manipulates by dominating others and by demanding that others do as they say.

Type Nine
What they look for
Comfort, peace, harmony, stability.
What gets in the way
Insisting on not acknowledging problems and remaining neutral in conflicts. Manipulates by "checking out" and by passive-aggressively resisting others.

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source

 

[niffer]

It seems like you have made "what they look for" be characteristics of the type itself, which I don't think is the case in relationships.

 

[Rhapsody]

This is really interesting, and seems fairly accurate for me. I'm not too sure about my E-type, but in the trifix I think I am something like 3w4-9w1-5w4. And if I combined your descriptions for 3, 5, and 9, that would pretty much nail what I look for in relationships (and also what my issues are). Also, some of my closest relationships have been with 2s, and my experience with them rings pretty true to how you describe them in relationships.

Edit: Although I should add that I relate to your description of what Type 5s look for more than the 3 and 9 descriptions, even though I'm fairly certain 5 is not my core E-type. The desires/issues you ascribe to 5s seem like things many INxxs in general would want/have issues with.

Edit 2: Never mind, LOL, I think I do relate to the 3 description more after all. (Sorry for all the edits, in my attempts to procrastinate on work I'm sitting here pondering this post ...)

 

[JocktheMotie]

This is very good. For me at least. I came in to this thread ready to say, "I really just want a best friend that I also get to have sex with," realized it was an enneagram thread...and then realized I basically gave the 5 answer

I agree with the method of interference too. Once I start to become "unhappy" in a relationship, I start to just check out and busying myself with my own things. For 5s, the "selective withholding" is our method of manipulation.

 

[Rhapsody]

To expand on my mishmash of thoughts up there, I'd say what I ultimately want (or what I ultimately want to want) is what 5s probably want in relationships: someone who's intellectually compatible with me, a kind of mind-mate, who also gives me plenty of space to work on my projects, and who appreciates being given space in return.

BUT, whenever I actually find someone like that, my true 3 nature often rears its ugly head and starts going: but they're not attractive enough, not ambitious enough, or if they're ambitious, they're not ambitious in the right way (I tend to like people who want to save the world, which I guess comes from the confluence of 3 and INFP), would my friends be impressed, etc. etc. arghhhhh. And that just kills the attraction. (And yes, that's pretty shallow and is something I really want to change about myself).

 

[violaine]

Hmm, interesting. I'm a 4w5, heavy 5 wing and it seems my relationship wants are mostly of a 5 nature with a little 4 thrown in. What gets in the way are things of a 5 nature. I react quite strongly if I'm ever on the receiving end of what gets in the way for 4s by really withdrawing from a person.

 

[Saslou]

Type Six
What they look for
Commitment, dependability, shared values, solidity.
What gets in the way
Self-doubt and reactivity: vacillating between need for closeness and need for distance. Manipulates by complaining and by testing others' commitment to them.


That all rings true for me .. Overcoming it? It all about balance, i need space and i love company. I don't manipulate, i'll speak up but in the past commitment has been an issue so i know i'm not going insane, lol.

 

[sleuthiness]

Do these hold true for you? If so, how have you overcome these tendencies in your relationships (or how did they get in the way)?

Type Five
What they look for
Curiosity, intensity, involvement, non-intrusiveness.
What gets in the way
Insisting on personal space and non-interference. Manipulates by staying preoccupied with ideas and projects and by detaching emotionally from others.

Add "openness to experience", so long as there isn't any pressure to emotionally anchor oneself. She's also gotta be able to not only acknowledge the value of actively taking ridiculous, potentially "incorrect" sides of any given issue if only for the fun of it, but take hits then dish them back with an equal charge to the point where they aren't hits.

With another e5, it's convenient because each provides the other with enough breathing space to return to the source, rather than relying on learned behavior, which doesn't serve any purpose for either side. It's like being almost entirely in the dark but just visible enough to keep the other interested.

e4s tend to ask "could you say that again?"s more often than "tell me more", or respond to an observation/idea with a dead end personal anecdotal. Or pretend to be infallible, which has been taxing in the past.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I agree with the Five. Hands down, my need for personal space and emotional detaching has always been my biggest obstacle in relationships. I don’t understand the tendency a lot of people seem to have to be interested in something just because their partner is, and I actually kind of resent the pressure to “show interest” in what they love if it doesn’t speak to me personally. I don’t expect a partner to be drawn to the same interests I’m drawn towards, I’m just glad when interests collide.

For 5s, the "selective withholding" is our method of manipulation.

And I don’t always know I’m doing it, either. I’ve got to have it pointed out to me or I’m oblivious. It’s just an instinctive reaction to feeling either somehow disrespected or bored. (And a lot of times I won't even realize I'm feeling disrespected or bored, that needs to be pointed out to me as well.)

 

[OrangeAppled]

Hmm, interesting. I'm a 4w5, heavy 5 wing and it seems my relationship wants are mostly of a 5 nature with a little 4 thrown in. What gets in the way are things of a 5 nature. I react quite strongly if I'm ever on the receiving end of what gets in the way for 4s by really withdrawing from a person.

I relate more to the 5 in some ways too, but the 4 withdrawing seems to be the cincher. People open up to me emotionally, and that seems enough at first. I don't think I insist on my emotional needs being met so much as become "difficult" as a way to test someone. I'm not dramatic at all, but I'll get a little ornery. Part of this relates to my 5 wing & the need for some intellectual stimulation; I'll force it if it's not happening, and then it seems like I'm being contradictory for the sake of it. If the other person can't meet me, then I'm bored.

I also need massive amounts of space & alone time. I find myself avoiding phone calls & being busy with "projects", definitely. I think the 4 nail in the coffin is when I get testy though; it's to force the hand of the other person, but almost to meet the 5 needs, not the 4 needs. Whereas if the 5 needs are met, then the 4 needs get in the way.

Have you ever gotten past this with someone?

Add "openness to experience", so long as there isn't any pressure to emotionally anchor oneself. She's also gotta be able to not only acknowledge the value of actively taking ridiculous, potentially "incorrect" sides of any given issue if only for the fun of it, but take hits then dish them back with an equal charge to the point where they aren't hits.

I'm not sure if this is what you mean....but I think my 5 wing makes me want to be able to play devil's advocate sometimes, which is really just a way to explore ideas, but some take it as arguing or being difficult. It has been a turn-off in the past when someone takes it too seriously (as in, a real argument) or just brushes it off to placate me. I also really hate when a rebuttal amounts to a cliche. The obvious is obvious.

Do you have an INFP sensitive side that ever comes into play? Can people cross a line with you in these conversations?

With another e5, it's convenient because each provides the other with enough breathing space to return to the source, rather than relying on learned behavior, which doesn't serve any purpose for either side. It's like being almost entirely in the dark but just visible enough to keep the other interested.

e4s tend to ask "could you say that again?"s more often than "tell me more", or respond to an observation/idea with a dead end personal anecdotal. Or pretend to be infallible, which has been taxing in the past.

I've probably had this issue with INTP 5s (anecdote? ). I think it's the emotional sensitivity of being a 4. All of a sudden, my identity feels threatened, and my wittle INFP feelings get hurt. There is a tendency to take things personal because I see my ideas/feelings as ME. We're both into a somewhat intense discussion, & then they cross a value boundary, and my wall goes up. I would also ask for clarification of their ideas, but they would not ask me, and I felt they assumed something that was not part of my case at all. Their supposed detachment was condescending, & they definitely would seem belligerent. The fun stops there.

On the other hand, I felt closer to these people than ones who just placate me and pat me on my head and say, "That's cute". Disdain will grow for those people, who I'll start to see as shallow.

 

[Amethyst]

Hmm...I'm a 7w8...but I don't really relate to the 8. I relate to 5 a lot more, possibly more than 7.

 

[Tallulah]

I relate to the 5 description, but if it's the right person, I want to spend time with them, or to do ideas and projects together. Not all the time, of course, but I don't like total separation.

 

[chickpea]

definitely true for me and my 9 ex

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I relate to the manipulation aspect of number 3 and 5, but with healthy description of 7. Just took an enneagram test and got 3 with what I'm assuming is a wing 4 because it was the next highest in the line of strengths.

 

[skylights]

^ agree 100% and i'm think i'm a 3w4 too.

Type Three
What they look for
Social suitability, competence, admirability, attractiveness.
What gets in the way
Insisting on career and social status before the relationship. Manipulates by charming others and by adopting whatever image will work.

haha. at first i was like NO, but the "what they look for" attributes are true, except on a complicated level. those things are generally qualities of people i'm attracted to, but it's not really ever been conscious. i joke that i tend to fall for people in high positions, because it's true. i don't know why; it's not intentional on my part. i'm attracted to people who have others look up to them. who are trusted. who are reliable. i suspect it's less about status itself and more about what status connotes - passion, drive, trustworthiness, confidence, a desire to reach out and impact a lot of people.

those things about "what gets in the way" is not quite right for me, though. the manipulation is true to an extent, but i've never really run into trouble because of it. usually people like me for my ability to shift to meet a situation, and to connect with almost anyone. see, i don't really see it on "manipulative" terms. it's not usually intended that way, at least. there's often nothing subversive about it. i also wouldn't give up a relationship for career or social status... i would say screw both, they can always be rebuilt. but at the same time, the people i like are usually more socially and career-concerned than i am. so, it's usually a non-issue.

what does happen to get in the way is me getting jealous of the time and effort they devote to others. it's both admirable and confounding. :blushing:

 

[Salomé]

And I don’t always know I’m doing it, either. I’ve got to have it pointed out to me or I’m oblivious. It’s just an instinctive reaction to feeling either somehow disrespected or bored. (And a lot of times I won't even realize I'm feeling disrespected or bored, that needs to be pointed out to me as well.)

If you don't know you're doing it, can it really be described as "manipulation"?

I think if something/one is making you bored or disrespecting you it's perfectly natural that you withdraw from that stimulus.
By the time I've completely withdrawn/emotionally detached from a person, there is no question of my trying to manipulate them (there never is - the very idea is anathema to me). I've simply lost the ability to care. And once that happens there's really nothing more to say/do. If the relationship means something to me, I'll fight for a long time before that to try to keep communication going, but there comes a point where it's just more effort/pain than it's worth.

 

[Synapse]

Type Four
What they look for
Communication, listening, acceptance, emotional honesty.
What gets in the way
Insisting on having all of their emotional needs met immediately. Manipulates by being temperamental and making others walk on eggshells.

Type Five
What they look for
Curiosity, intensity, involvement, non-intrusiveness.
What gets in the way
Insisting on personal space and non-interference. Manipulates by staying preoccupied with ideas and projects and by detaching emotionally from others.

Who knows, I am 4w5 and can relate more to the 5.

 

[rav3n]

Not sure if I fit into the relationship +/- model for the 8 or even one with a 7 wing. Instinctual stackings appear more accurate for me.

 

[sleuthiness]

I'm not sure if this is what you mean....but I think my 5 wing makes me want to be able to play devil's advocate sometimes, which is really just a way to explore ideas, but some take it as arguing or being difficult. It has been a turn-off in the past when someone takes it too seriously (as in, a real argument) or just brushes it off to placate me. I also really hate when a rebuttal amounts to a cliche. The obvious is obvious.

Do you have an INFP sensitive side that ever comes into play? Can people cross a line with you in these conversations?

Even once you peel back all the layers people take for granted, the answer is never the result. I don't think even the obvious after the obvious can be trusted.

I consider my natural state very sensitive, but express it so subtly that it's not picked up on often, to the point at which I seem calculating, which is actually true in a way. As long as it's an actual conversation, arguments don't bug me at all. In fact, I make a point of actively withholding select clues, not lazily participating in social rounds to slowly wear them down for pure fun while pretending to argue if it appears to be a potential waste of time, which isn't often because Dance with the stars is on whenever I feel like engaging. Either that or huffing them over with one minuscule behavioral nuance that I find amusing/interesting in the form of a hit n run.

I've probably had this issue with INTP 5s (anecdote? ). I think it's the emotional sensitivity of being a 4. All of a sudden, my identity feels threatened, and my wittle INFP feelings get hurt. There is a tendency to take things personal because I see my ideas/feelings as ME. We're both into a somewhat intense discussion, & then they cross a value boundary, and my wall goes up. I would also ask for clarification of their ideas, but they would not ask me, and I felt they assumed something that was not part of my case at all. Their supposed detachment was condescending, & they definitely would seem belligerent. The fun stops there.

On the other hand, I felt closer to these people than ones who just placate me and pat me on my head and say, "That's cute". Disdain will grow for those people, who I'll start to see as shallow.

Is this a 1:1, 2, or maybe 3 situation at most? Because when I'm immersed in a group of upwards of 10 non-mbti-acclimated intps I either get really cool/silent or that "gotta jet" zap to the head. Any fewer is alright. It's actually sp/sx intps that lack the most mutual understanding (maybe you could share your experience here). sx/sos and so/sx intps are too go go go, light but embarrassingly/comparatively quick (enough to get to the gist of it where I'd spend way too long layering responses - which seem unnecessary to them) in expressing themselves. Lastly, sx/sps 5s use different fuel (theirs is more rocket whereas so/sps use premium), but expend it much in the same way as an so/sp, as far as picking up on similar shades with their radar also turned outward, so regardless of mbti type, it's a shared notion that our environment is a place for controlled/sp-stabilized action.

 

[violaine]

I relate more to the 5 in some ways too, but the 4 withdrawing seems to be the cincher. People open up to me emotionally, and that seems enough at first. I don't think I insist on my emotional needs being met so much as become "difficult" as a way to test someone. I'm not dramatic at all, but I'll get a little ornery. Part of this relates to my 5 wing & the need for some intellectual stimulation; I'll force it if it's not happening, and then it seems like I'm being contradictory for the sake of it. If the other person can't meet me, then I'm bored.

I also need massive amounts of space & alone time. I find myself avoiding phone calls & being busy with "projects", definitely. I think the 4 nail in the coffin is when I get testy though; it's to force the hand of the other person, but almost to meet the 5 needs, not the 4 needs. Whereas if the 5 needs are met, then the 4 needs get in the way.

Have you ever gotten past this with someone?

Only with other introverts so far. IXTXs to be precise. Though that has it's own challenges. (We can both suddenly be waving at each other: "hello, I'm over here with needs and such that I myself completely forgot about until this moment!") I feel at home with another introvert though.

I don't think I test people, though, as you say I can be ornery. I get that way if 1) my mindspace is being invaded by someone making what seems like continual demands of me. Coming out of deep thought when I'm working on something really irks me. If the conversation has an emotional blame component to it, and the person is just at me and at me, I go from calm to intensely angry without much in between. 2) if my partner is perpetually disengaged and the relationship feels business-like.

Hmm, 4w5 makes for some interesting relationship intra/interpersonal dynamics. I wonder if it's similar for 5w4s. Engagement and disengagement to feed the need for closeness and for space is an ongoing dance for me.