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Type Nines and "merging" with loved ones...

BlackCat

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So in almost every type 9 profile that I've read, it says that 9s do romance by merging with their partner. I'm pretty sure that this is any relationship where the 9 gets close to someone in general (whether it's friends, a long term relationship, a family member etc) in general.

What are your experiences with "merging" with people? What do you think that it is? It's never really been defined anywhere what it really is (unless I overlooked that, if so then post what it is).

In my experience it's like I know everything about the person I've merged with. Pretty much nothing can stop me from liking them. I know their needs, how they react to everything, etc.

Or maybe that's just really close psychological distance?

If so, then what is this merging?
 

r.a

meat popsicle
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this is hard to put into words.

i can say that it is the case with me. to get into my close circle of loved ones is not the easiest process. see, when i am looking for a girlfriend or a best friend, i am not looking for someone just to spend time with, i am a diplomatic chameleon by nature. since i absorb so much from those around me, and am also very aware of what i am absorbing and what i intend on putting out, so whoever is closest to me needs to be a model of some attribute(s) i am looking to take in i.e. absorb. but also, i have attributes that they do not possess that, in my opinion at the time, they could use in trade for what i could learn from them. it needs to be serendipitous, so i'm not out there slaying tigers to find this. i slay tigers for other reasons.

now, i don't know if this has to do so much with my enneagramness, my INFJness or my piscean nature, but what i am actually looking for is my other half. someone with whom i am so comfortable absorbing that i want to merge with, mixing my attributes with theirs to create one conscious organism. this merging, rationally, is so that we can function as a whole, learning, growing and evolving together. i'm willing, at times, to settle for something less. that is usually (actually always by experience) a mistake. i'm looking for my other half, so that, yes, we can merge, coexist and co-evolve. nothing else has done it for me, and, probably tragically, nothing will.
 

Gerbah

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I think it's to do with taking on another person's being as your own. I've only read about merging in terms of mothers and babies. Because babies have not differentiated their own ego from the mother's yet, they feel the mother's feelings as their own. They don't know that it isn't their own feeling. In my own experience for example, when my baby was very little, I would feel things that I knew weren't my own feelings, they were hers. Even physically, I felt her hunger as a tightening and discomfort in my own stomach. It was weird, I've never had that with another person.

I know someone who I'm pretty sure is a 9, and she generally likes to go along with what the other person wants. I can imagine that in a very close and intimate relationship, they might take the other person's feelings, needs, desires as their own and feel very responsible for those things, more than maybe another Enneatype would.
 

BlackCat

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That's very interesting...

This just continues to prove that I've never loved anybody.

But on this note-

I know someone who I'm pretty sure is a 9, and she generally likes to go along with what the other person wants. I can imagine that in a very close and intimate relationship, they might take the other person's feelings, needs, desires as their own and feel very responsible for those things, more than maybe another Enneatype would.

When I care about someone and enjoy them, I do tend to take on their needs and feelings as my own. Sort of like a caretaker, in an aloof way. If they aren't happy, I'm not happy.
 

Kingfisher

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i haven't read about 9s merging before.
i think if you asked my friends they would say i am inextricably merged with my wife. haha! we are the butt of a lot of jokes for how 'attached-at-the-hip' we are.

i think part of it is when a person has influences on your life that you couldn't have on your own. what i mean is that a person causes changes and effects in you that you wouldn't be able to cause on your own. so what they do sort of manifests itself in your actions, and they are like a self outside of your self.

i think your identity probably has something to do with it too, i know 9s are notorious for all kinds of contradictory identity issues.
i think when you "merge" with someone you really incorporate them into your identity in a huge way. maybe it is not totally conscious, but i think they affect your way of seeing your self.

----edit-
oh, my wife and i are both 9's.
 

Gerbah

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When I care about someone and enjoy them, I do tend to take on their needs and feelings as my own. Sort of like a caretaker, in an aloof way. If they aren't happy, I'm not happy.

Oh, could you please explain the bit about being "aloof"? If you're taking on the other person's needs and feelings as your own and you're not happy unless they are, how are you aloof?
 

BlackCat

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Oh, could you please explain the bit about being "aloof"? If you're taking on the other person's needs and feelings as your own and you're not happy unless they are, how are you aloof?

Well I'm distant yet there at the same time. It's weird to explain. It's like part of me is totally away from the other person, and the other part is with them. One part tends to take over at any given time. So I can appear aloof.
 

Gerbah

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Well I'm distant yet there at the same time. It's weird to explain. It's like part of me is totally away from the other person, and the other part is with them. One part tends to take over at any given time. So I can appear aloof.

That is so interesting to me because of this 9 I know. It took me a while to figure out that she is rather distant although she likes to be kind and do favours. I misinterpreted that at the beginning.
 

cafe

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The only person I'm really mergey with is my husband. I'm a 9w1 and he is a 1w9. We're both kind of distant in general so it's not super-co-dependenty most of the time. But I do remember several years ago feeling kind of freaked out by the Borgishness of it. Really, though, we got married when we were twenty-one and we've been married almost 18 years, so you're going to get that no matter your types, I'd think. Especially if you are compatible.

Another way it works for me is that I see people that I love as sort of extensions of myself so our well-beings are one and the same. Not a whole lot of competition. When I was younger, the balance always worked, in my mind, in the other person's favor, but as I've gotten older and learned to value myself, I've come to realize it works both ways. Their well-being is tied to mine, so it's okay to take care of myself, too.
 

esfpmary

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I can relate to the aloofness. Sort of feeling detached from the other person to keep my inner peace, feeling strong in the self sort of.
I do think there's nothing wrong with merging, it's actually quite nice and it doesn't have to be with a person perse, it can also be a spiritual merging with surroundings, colors, taste etc.
Also, I believe strong merging force has to do with stacking. I am an sp/so myself and somehow reserved until I get to know somebody well. However, my jobs have always in the hospitality industry dealing with lots of people.
 

Gerbah

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Merging does sound nice. If it is based on healthy motivations (and not insecurity) I also don't see anything wrong with it. I am 5w4, so my issue is the opposite, that I am very aware of what separates. Achieving more connection and experiencing merging is a positive goal for 5s.
 

MacGuffin

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I guess for me it is more sexual. A heightened level of intimacy.

It doesn't last though. I'm an introvert and need alone time with my thoughts. So any "merging" above and beyond normal romantic relations is temporary.
 

Laurie

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I just want to know why I end up talking to so many E9.
 

BlackCat

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That is so interesting to me because of this 9 I know. It took me a while to figure out that she is rather distant although she likes to be kind and do favours. I misinterpreted that at the beginning.

Yeah, I've been on the receiving end of that misinterpretation. I usually have no idea that I'm doing it. Most 9's wouldn't describe themselves as aloof at all because we care so much about people and keeping the peace with them.

One thing that I thought of today, about the aloofness. The instinctive types are all about controlling reality in some way. I think that 9's have varying degrees of aloofness depending on how much we trust the person/people that we're with. The more I thought about when I did this, the more I realized that I'm less aloof around people that I am more comfortable with and who I like. When I'm less aloof, I'm more caring. Perhaps a merge happens when we totally leave behind the aloof defense. We are aloof because we don't want to be vulnerable to people; we don't want to be controlled. We don't want our inner peace to be disturbed. When we trust people to not do this, we let down that defense. It took me two years to totally open up to my best friend (for a year of those two I considered him my best, so it takes a little bit of time), and now it's like there are no limits. I'm not afraid of him disturbing my peace (which he doesn't), and I'm not afraid of disturbing his peace. It makes me feel very much at ease to know that. Also, he doesn't drain my energy at all. Most introverts get drained by people, but when I've merged somewhat or fully with someone, I don't get drained at all. There are a few others that I know that are pretty close to that mark too. Not too many make it there.

It's weird. I care a lot, yet I don't. I keep a safe distance from life itself it seems.
 

wolfy

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That is an excellent post BC. I feel exactly the same way.

I think that nine types in some way take a symbiotic approach to relationships. In that they draw from the energy of those around them and take on a part of others. Not in the physical sense so much as in the psychological sense. I don't think it is about emotions either, it is something else. It isn't like you are being pulled by the other either, it is more that you recognise the person and seek to adapt with that. I think that because the nines identity is in some way fluid it gives them the capacity to do that.

I just want to know why I end up talking to so many E9.

It is because you bring a dynamic that stimulates the nine. It gives them something to work from, it is energising. There is a good balance of energy and relaxation between seven and nine. Seven and Nine.
 

Gerbah

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It's weird. I care a lot, yet I don't.

Yes, this is the vibe I get from this 9 I know. That she is caring but doesn't actually care about me or want to know too much about me. I do find it hard to understand and difficult to know how to deal with because I sometimes don't know how to interpret or make sense of certain gestures and gifts. Especially as Fe is not my favourite function so it is draining for me to show big emotions in return for something that doesn't actually contain much real feeling for me. (She is an extended family member so we have to share certain things and spend time together.) I try not to think about it too much and maintain the distance and peace but at the same time I think it bothers her that there is distance. Although she seems to need the distance? I don't know.

I keep a safe distance from life itself it seems.

All the types try to avoid some aspect of reality or another, trying to stay safe, so I guess we are all in the same boat in that respect. One thing I really appreciate about the Enneagram is how it explains the importance of embracing suffering so as not to suffer any more.
 

Laurie

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It is because you bring a dynamic that stimulates the nine. It gives them something to work from, it is energising. There is a good balance of energy and relaxation between seven and nine. Seven and Nine.

Too bad the type isn't named 6 instead of 7.
 

the state i am in

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i've understood it as e9s having boundary issues and feeling unable to stay focused/ continue their own goals/development without being completely knocked off course by the desires of the other. they just kind of lose themselves, can't hear themselves, and do a kind of hysterical fit thing as a result sometimes trying to almost arbitrarily assert control.
 

revolve

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this is hard to put into words.

i can say that it is the case with me. to get into my close circle of loved ones is not the easiest process. see, when i am looking for a girlfriend or a best friend, i am not looking for someone just to spend time with, i am a diplomatic chameleon by nature. since i absorb so much from those around me, and am also very aware of what i am absorbing and what i intend on putting out, so whoever is closest to me needs to be a model of some attribute(s) i am looking to take in i.e. absorb. but also, i have attributes that they do not possess that, in my opinion at the time, they could use in trade for what i could learn from them. it needs to be serendipitous, so i'm not out there slaying tigers to find this. i slay tigers for other reasons.

now, i don't know if this has to do so much with my enneagramness, my INFJness or my piscean nature, but what i am actually looking for is my other half. someone with whom i am so comfortable absorbing that i want to merge with, mixing my attributes with theirs to create one conscious organism. this merging, rationally, is so that we can function as a whole, learning, growing and evolving together. i'm willing, at times, to settle for something less. that is usually (actually always by experience) a mistake. i'm looking for my other half, so that, yes, we can merge, coexist and co-evolve. nothing else has done it for me, and, probably tragically, nothing will.

wow, i am speechless . . . that was beautiful.
 
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