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Describe Your Favorite Movie Horribly

EJCC

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Stolen from Facebook.

Some of my favorite films, summarized badly by me, with spoilers:

A restauranteur with a gambling addiction asks his redneck trucker friend to help him rescue his fiancee from a banker who is also a wizard with an eye color fetish.


A bunch of people tell the same joke over and over again.


Hey guess what, a pirate is here to kill you -- no wait, it's your old farmhand and he's here to rescue you -- and he likes you for some reason? Even though you were always mean to him?


Toxic masculinity makes a man with Dissociative Identity Disorder start a political movement, beat the shit out of people, shoot himself in the face, and listen to The Pixies.


A trilogy:
1. Indiana Jones and the Patriotic 'Roid Rage
2. The Captain Bourne Supremacy
3. Super-Frenemies
 

Doctor Cringelord

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An alcoholic helps his ex's friend get the proper neonatal care.




A pothead tries his hand at private investigation.




A pothead programmer tries his hand at virtual reality.




Sole survivor of a brutal attack on the crew of her tanker ship bonds with an orphan and meets a potential love interest. Cat fight at the end :D




Two faithful friends are separated; an account of their interweaving paths and the hardships their friends endure. One of them goes all Walden with his other friend and sees a ghost in the woods.

 

Doctor Cringelord

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two faithful friends have dealings with the Mafia, then aid a political militia in their plans to bring down the government.


 

EJCC

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A fictional character in a movie learns that he is a fictional character in a book, but makes sure he's writing his own story (kind of) by the end. He never learns that he's a fictional character in a movie.



Incredibly attractive man with cute cat plays a lot of wonderful folk music and yet is still the complete, undateable worst.



Two faithful friends are separated; an account of their interweaving paths and the hardships their friends endure. One of them goes all Walden with his other friend and sees a ghost in the woods.

I love this one!
 

Mole

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Fantasia by Disney some say is a masterpiece of music and characters, while other say it is a deliberate divorce from reality, and sugar sweet, that not only rots your teeth, but rots your mind.

American Hustle some say is a wonderful movie of genuine American characters, while others say it shows the low side of American life, that corrupts the viewer, and provides anti-American propaganda - and they say it is a true story! What next?
 

Kilgore Trout

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The Shining: a darling father wants to bond with his family. As Wendy soon finds out, a daily writing habit is the key to success. Little Danny Torrence learns that writing on doors with mommy's lipstick is a big no-no. Even though the elevator is on the fritz again, all the hotel guests are so thrilled with their stay, they never want to leave.
 

Doctor Cringelord

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After his birthday, a career military officer experiences a midlife crisis, meets an old flame, runs into an old nemesis, loses his best friend in battle and reevaluates his career choices

 
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Man. Fiance. Oh hai. Sex life. Best friend. Infidelity. Doggy. What a story. Drug dealer. Mom has breast cancer. Party. Cheep cheep cheep. Infidelity. Tearing man apart. Kills self.



I think I just described it better than the movie did itself...
 

Firebird 8118

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A boy from the slums becomes rich on a game show solely through his street smartness.


A playboy gets shunned by the girl he loves. He travels across India to seek forgiveness from two other girls whose hearts he broke in the past, then returns to find that the girl who shunned him now all of a sudden realizes she loves him back.


A mediocre junior artist falls in love with a famous heroine, witnesses her murder by her wicked greedy producer husband, and dies trying to save her. He is reborn with the exact same features that he had in the previous life, then finds a girl who looks exactly like the murdered heroine in order to scare the now-aging producer into confessing to the crime. The ghost of the real heroine steps in and murders her husband in an act of justice.
 

Firebird 8118

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two faithful friends have dealings with the Mafia, then aid a political militia in their plans to bring down the government.



Ooh, you're good at this :D
 

Doctor Cringelord

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Flamboyant bewigged middle aged rock star kidnaps baby, takes him to his house in a city.

 

Peter Deadpan

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High-tech AI secretary seduces her depressed and lonely boss following his divorce. She strings him along before confessing to cheating on him with 641 others.

 

ChocolateMoose123

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Man quits job when new, inexperienced CEO vests control of company with a hostile takeover. CEO kills man's family out of spite. Man has to start career from entry level position and undermines CEO by besting him in hand to hand combat. Both die.

 

1487610420

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up and coming musician sidesteps career to deal with overzealous eviction after his gf dies











 

Doctor Cringelord

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Ex cop befriends band of misfit orphans to take on a corrupt town baron.

 

ChocolateMoose123

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Man with low IQ and no job prospects tries hand at boxing. He loses the biggest fight of his career. Can't locate his wife.

 

EJCC

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Dumb guy with great mixtape saves universe.



Cab rides with Tom Cruise are bad for everyone except Tom Cruise, whose weakness is apparently not cab rides, but public transport.

 

Julius_Van_Der_Beak

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Tom Cruise prances around, defeats horny guy.



Owls give a hoot about things. RLY.



Undersea creature warns of impending snares

 

The Cat

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INTJ manipulates ESFJ into going on a trip with 13 dudes. They run into some like shit right of the bat, but then even more shit happens like there's something else going on., and a sled of rabits, which is like cool, I won't lie, I wish I had one. Anyway they like keep running into all these near misses, each one more intense than the last until finally....To be continued...
I actually really like it.
large.jpg
 

EJCC

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Woman's relatively normal but cash-poor life is derailed when an amnesiac who might be a trained killer pays her a huge sum of money to be his accomplice and drive him across Europe. He finds what he's looking for, kind of. She dies in the sequel.

 
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