Describe Your Favorite Movie Horribly

[Doctor Cringelord]

Computer nerds and hackers with really bad skin spend their free time in VR simulations where they are the sexiest, coolest clique and wear the best black leather outfits whilst never breaking a sweat. One of their hacker friends rats them out to the authorities. Their virtual exploits inspire a popular gimmick in third person shooter games.

the matrix

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

An obnoxious looking guy with an attitude problem and a huge dong fucks everything that moves, particularly girls on roller skates, while making a lot of money out of it.

Boogie Nights

A hack film maker seeks to make his magnum opus when he meets his muse in the form of a virile, young, aspiring actor.

Boogie Nights, but from Jack Horner's perspective

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

Leonardo DiCaprio on an island of pot.....That's actually a pretty good description. I surprise myself. I should write movie reviews. People would like that. I mean, it would help them to decide to see movies. The problem is I wait til they come to DVD these days before I see them. Our movie theaters are too dumpy for me.

The Beach

 

[Gone]

Guy stalks a couple and asks a kid about the name of his ball. He buys a book in the end.

The Lives of Others

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

An aging socialite experiences a heart attack-induced vision where she revisits her past youth. She doesn't change much that occurs between her youth and the moment she suffers the heart attack, but learns quite a bit in the process, thereby giving her motivation to change her life when she wakes up in the hospital. She reconciles with her estranged husband.

Peggy Sue Got Married, aka "that other 80s time travel movie"

 

[Totenkindly]

Tight-knit underground community eventually repels group of reckless female explorers.

The Descent

Guy walks off set of long-running serial and is never heard from again.

The Truman Show

Feral child endangers wildlife by playing with fire.

The Jungle Book

Caretaker lost in blizzard after drinking too much.

The Shining

Woman confronts prior coworkers and boss regarding her early termination.

Kill Bill

Kid wants to grow up, then decides it's overrated.

Big

Dead-beat dad finally makes it home just to say goodbye to daughter before leaving to chase tail.

Interstellar

Guy who can't fall asleep finally succeeds.

Insomnia

Socially avoidant woman chooses abusive boyfriend over popular sports jock, claiming "he's changed."

Beauty & the Beast

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

^^^reminds me of

Feral child and expert boomerang thrower meets a quiet loner who becomes a folk hero in his community after helping the child's family deal with a violent gang.

The Road Warrior

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

A mother is alone with two bratty boys when her husband is deployed for another tour in Iraq, and so she asks her droopy brother to come help babysit. The kids hate him until they find out he has a part-time job wearing a giant blue mascot suit, and then they love him.

Kabluey

 

[thepink-cloakedninja]

A big-headed blue alien villain with a walking fish as an ally defeats his nemesis super hero and takes over a city. He starts to date the super hero's girlfriend whilst disguised as a grumpy librarian, and causes havoc to the city, but then he gets bored so makes a new super hero for him to fight. The super hero ends up being even more evil than the blue alien, so the latter has to turn into a super hero.

Megamind

A bunch of short men and an even tinier man try to kill a giant dragon by dumping molten gold on it, but just succeed in making the dragon mad so it flies off and burns a village.

The Desolation of Smaug

Two secret agents from rival countries try to kill each other, but then are forced to work together to save a young woman's father from an evil lady who's using him to make a bomb. One of the secret agents ends up having a love affair with the evil lady, and the other one saves him by setting a torturer on fire via an electrical chair.

A Man from U.N.C.L.E.

 

[meowington]

Washed up dude romances volleybal.

Cast Away

 

[Lord Lavender]

A boy with a wierd scar and some magic talents goes to a special school and kills a bald guy

Obvious here

 

[Totenkindly]

Brother of lawyer's girlfriend eats pet for 13,000£.

A Fish Called Wanda

Cat endangered by exotic pet acquired by irresponsible crew and corporate greed.

Alien

Carb bandit swept into street riots finally exonerated by hooker's ghost.

Les Miserables

Whiny thieves murder large woman trying to avenge her dead husband.

Into the Woods

Rebellious multilingual vandal eventually put down by proper authorities.

Braveheart

Insane woman finds stability in religious community while caring for new baby.

Rosemary's Baby

Jilted husband works through mortality issues with help of eccentric kid.

The Sixth Sense

 

[EcK]

A whiny kid becomes evil because of mommy and daddy issues and the dark side who is then eventually redeemed with love and the good side.

Warcraft III and Star wars I-VI

A homo-erotic adventure

Lord of the Rings, Jackass, Brokeback mountain, Hangover, Far too many to list

my favorite one so far (3 first page of thread)
witty but not pretentious.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Ghostbuster dude experiences loss and disillusionment in WWI, abandons the world of his privileged upbringing, embarks on journey of self-discovery and is remarkably straight-faced and serious throughout his shenanigans.

The Razor's Edge

 

[citizen cane]

Not necessarily a favorite, but: Officer tries to solve cases before maternity leave. Everyone else is useless.

Fargo

 

[EJCC]

Not necessarily a favorite, but: Officer tries to solve cases before maternity leave. Everyone else is useless.

Fargo

Definitely one of MY favorites. Great movie.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Obnoxious, mentally retarded frog-horse creature meets two wizards and a boy, ventures into the world of politics and war in an effort to free his people and regain the trust of the community that banished him for being an absolute fucktard. Also, irresponsible adults allow a child to drive in a very fast, dangerous race, cavalierly placing bets on him. A villain lurks in the shadows but it's obvious to everyone watching this movie.

Star Wars the Phantom Menace, through the perspective of Jar Jar Binks

A bodyguard romances a senator he has been entrusted to protect. An elderly dracula has business dealings with giant bugs and enlists a fanboy's worst nightmare as his assassin and enforcer. Some guy tries to sell drugs to the bodyguard's partner.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones

 

[EJCC]

Obnoxious, mentally retarded frog-horse creature

This was all I needed to know exactly what movie you were talking about.

 

[Totenkindly]

here is something less pretentious.


Dog bites man.

Cujo

Fish bites man.

Jaws.

Plant bites man.

Little Shop of Horrors

Gremlin bites man.

Gremlins

Mini-man bites man.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Vampire bites man.

Dracula

Werewolf bites man.

Silver Bullet

Zombie bites man.

Dawn of the Dead

Dinosaur bites man.

Jurassic Park

Woman bites man.

Teeth

Man bites man.

Cannibal Holocaust.

Man bites sandwich.

Dave

Man bites plastique.

Caddyshack

Man bites candy bar.

The Goonies

Reality bites.

Reality Bites

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

here is something less pretentious.


Dog bites man.

Cujo

Fish bites man.

Jaws.

Plant bites man.

Little Shop of Horrors

Gremlin bites man.

Gremlins

Mini-man bites man.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Vampire bites man.

Dracula

Werewolf bites man.

Silver Bullet

Zombie bites man.

Dawn of the Dead

Dinosaur bites man.

Jurassic Park

Woman bites man.

Teeth

Man bites man.

Cannibal Holocaust.

Man bites sandwich.

Dave

Man bites plastique.

Caddyshack

Man bites candy bar.

The Goonies

Reality bites.

Reality Bites

Now you have to find a way to work bytes into one.