Describe Your Favorite Movie Horribly

[Tellenbach]

Judgemental cats terrorize perverted shapeshifters.

Sleepwalkers, 1992

 

[Tellenbach]

Sagan's account of fiscal irresponsibility during the Clinton era which culminated in a $1 trillion stargate to nowhere.

 

[Population: 1]

Wizard gets a sword from a lady living in a lake and gives it to a jerk who puts it in a stone which his bastard son draws it from years later and becomes king. The king is betrayed by his wife and his best friend. His anger destroys all he built and practically all his men die searching for a relic they believe is physical but is actually spiritual.

Excalibur

 

[Qlip]

While inhabiting a dissociative fugue state while trapped in an old man's attic, a bullied kid fabricates an imaginary fantastic world where he is important and powerful.

Neverending Story

 

[Stigmata]

Intellectually challenged savant, accompanied by a rag tag gang of miscreants which include, his drug addicted temptress, his black man servant with a severe speech impediment, his atheist physically handicapped roommate, and his overbearing mother who strongly resembles Carrie from Smokey and The Bandit, uses his magical storytelling powers to alter events in history to change people's perception towards how those with disabilities can contribute positive value to society.

This movies also takes several indirect, yet highly offensive jabs at professional basketball player Earvin "Magic" Johnson. During the film, Jenny, the heroin addict with more baggage than a Southwest Airlines $199 Labor Day weekend special on domestic flights, decides to travel to San Francisco in a van with questionable group of hippies after S.H.I.E.L.D enlists Forrest to go all Hulk mash on the current black panther movement gaining momentum. One can only logically deduce that during her time San Francisco spent laying around in seedy motels doing intravenous drugs, somewhere in one of her bouts of intoxication one of her dealer boyfriends must've enjoyed following games by the 80s Showtime L.A Lakers starring Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and James Worthy, and she became a following the games by osmosis as she lay there in a heroin trance state. She begins following basketball games as a means of escapism, and becomes so enthralled in the sport that Jenny begins using this as a distraction to fuel her sobriety.

It can only be assume that at some point during her tenure in San Francisco, she eventually meets up with and has sex with Magic Johnson while he's in town for a road game against the Golden State Warriors, and subsequently contracts aids. Ashamed and sick, she decides to go back home to Alabama to be supported by her millionaire shrimp boat captain classmate.

There might be some holes in that theory.

Forrest Gump

 

[Lord Lavender]

A youug womans second visit to her childhood imagnary land comes back to a demented land with a starving cat as her guide.

Alice McGee

 

[Stigmata]

Michael Jordan, upon retiring from professional basketball, falls into a deep depression upon realizing he'd never given much thought to what would give his life purpose after his sports career is over. He spends his days experimenting with various psychedelic drugs, including LSD, finding solace envisioning himself playing basketball again alongside his favorite childhood cartoon characters, the Looney Tunes. He uses the drug and the visions that ensue from it as a form of escapism, all as his loved ones watch him slowly destroy himself, yet use the monetary fruits of his labors to numb the pain of watching a once great basketball pantheon whither away into obscurity.

Space Jam

 

[rav3n]

Chicks on a killing frenzy.

Kill Bill movies

Dude carries ring, gets jumped by crazy thief who falls in the volcano with the ring on.

LOTR trilogy

Crooks playing mind games.

Inception

Grown men wearing masks/leotards and makeup dust up a city.

Dark Knight

 

[Hellena Handbasket]

Lonely wife befriends a fake spy looking to get in her pants and gets caught by her actual spy husband. Husband gives her a fake assignment but they end up kidnapped where she finds out he's a spy and together stop a terrorist plot.

 

[Tengri]

The ongoing mystery of who's using the camcorder! Is it a flashback? Starbuck tells the angsty tale of a team of intrepid interstellar voyagers lost at sea and ready to die for science. Europa is icy hot, Cthulu is radioactive, and Elon Musk guest stars.

Europa Report

 

[Obfuscate]

not an absolute favorite, but interesting:

parents isolate their adult children, teaching them nonsense definitions and a fear of cats... the father pays an employee for scheduled sexual congress with his son and she screws a daughter "at her expense"... the offspring capture some airplanes, throw food to a sibling over the perimeter fence, compete in pointless contests, and successfully slay a "killer" cat with a gardening tool...the family dog is taking too long to return from obedience school, but the father gives barking lessons... the mother threatens to give birth to a litter of puppies and incest becomes an issue... an escape plan is hatched featuring exercise equipment and home surgery, due in part to the exposure of "dangerous ideas" via vhs...

kynodontas
aka dogtooth

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

That's some hair gel!

 

[Population: 1]

A tale of a day in the life of a store employee and his wise ass friend and the sub plot of two loitering stoner weirdos, one of which is apparently a mute.

Clerks

 

[Tellenbach]

A superhero gives up his powers so he can screw a chick without killing her.

Superman 2

 

[Stigmata]

OMFG I've been looking for this thread for so long -- thank the search gods for functioning long enough for us to be reunited.

*cracks knuckles*

Leonardo DiCaprio decides to improvise most of his lines to a Quinten Tarantino film set in the mid 1800s, and takes what was intented to be wholesome family fun and makes things real racist and uncomfortable for everyone on set.

Django Unchained

 

[Stigmata]

Disney manages to somehow incorporate catchy original songs into a documentary highlighting the cruelty of the fur industry

101 Dalmatians

 

[Maou]

College student falls in love with a furry, then has babies that can turn into wolves and piss on everything, and has to hide in rural japan so no one finds out.

Wolf Children Ame & Yuki