Transformers 4

[The Ü™]

As we count down to the opening day of the 160-minute fourth installment of the beloved Transformers franchise, the first three reviews are in, including one from a top critic writing for Variety, one of the snootiest movie review publications in existence, all rank Fresh on the Tomatometer.

"Who cares if the human characters are even more dispensable and the plot even more scattershot than usual?" --Maggie Lee, Variety

"For audiences seeking the same polished, vacuous grand scale spectacle that has become synonymous with both the series and its director, Transformers: Age Of Extinction gives the series a new lease of life." --James Marsh, Screen International

"You know what you're in for if you buy a ticket, and Bay seems determined to wear you down with the biggest craziest 'Transformers' movie yet." --Doug McWeeny (hahaha), HitFix
​

So far, it's almost as if the critics have finally caught on, after seven long years, to the fact that none of these movies were ever meant to win Oscars.

I'm so excited.

 

[The Ü™]

13% now.

 

[Totenkindly]

No sense in deviating too far from the typical Transformer X score...

 

[Seymour]

I like the idea of the Transformers. I like science fiction, robots, explosions and action. But whenever I hear "A Michael Bay Movie" I die a little inside, because I know the movie can't be bothered to make sense.... that the characterizations will be flat, lifeless and a little insulting... that the cuts will be so frenetic that I won't be able to tell who is who (nor will I care). I wish someone else would take over the franchise, and that it be someone who works with decent writers.

Otherwise, Transformers 4 would have to playing for free in the background while I was doing something else in order for me to (half) watch it. I'm amazed those movies make money, but then, so did Battle Ship.

 

[The Ü™]

Nicola Peltz was, in fact, 18 when this was filmed. You don't have to be ashamed of jerking off to her.

 

[Elocute]

Nicola Peltz was, in fact, 18 when this was filmed. You don't have to be ashamed of jerking off to her.

I still think Megan is prettier

 

[Seymour]

I'm gay, so hot female actresses playing characters that can be charitably described as "two dimensional..." not really a big draw for me.

 

[Southern Kross]

I like the idea of the Transformers. I like science fiction, robots, explosions and action. But whenever I hear "A Michael Bay Movie" I die a little inside, because I know the movie can't be bothered to make sense.... that the characterizations will be flat, lifeless and a little insulting... that the cuts will be so frenetic that I won't be able to tell who is who (nor will I care). I wish someone else would take over the franchise, and that it be someone who works with decent writers.

I read a wonderful quote from a review on rotten tomatoes:

Transformers: Age of Extinction has appalling dialogue, deplorable representations of women, un-self-aware action sequences, very little humour and racial stereotyping. In other words, it's a Michael Bay movie.

 

[The Ü™]

Got my ticket for IMAX 3D.

 

[Totenkindly]

And now... some of the amusing critic responses (+ mine):

This is as excruciating a movie as is likely to be experienced by anyone, anywhere. ~ James Berardinelli

Root canal just became someone's bitch.

It is one of the most relentless movies I have ever seen. It just refuses to end. ~Richard Roeper

... like Tea Party indignation.

Seriously, the next movie should just be called "Transformers: Hammer to the Skull." ~Tom Long

Sorry, that's already the subtitle of the next Conan movie.

"Transformers: Age of Extinction" isn't a "good" movie by any conventional standards, but as nothing more than empty, stupid, sometimes dazzling spectacle it provides exactly what audiences who flock to this series will be looking for. ~Dustin Putman

We didn't get the movie we needed, we got the movie we deserved.

(The) bewildering first act is Shakespearean compared to an extended mid-section which may represent the worst second act in scriptwriting history. ~Simon Foster

... the act where Lady Macbeth became a hooker for ADHD goats was in the running until The Bard's weekly writing circle said they didn't understand her motivation.

It's long, it's loud and it's really stupid. ~Peter Howell

GG Allin epitath for life (aside from the absence of shit)

It may be loud and stupid, but at least it's loud and stupid. ~William Bibbiani

"The Longest Most Meaningless Movie in the World" (1968) apparently has not been unseated in Bibbiani's opinion.

One thing you have to give Bay credit for: He has a knack for bringing A-list talent down to his level. ~Peter Keough

Good directors know what they want and they know how to get it.

Hello, police? I'd like to report an assault. ~Soren Anderson

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you bought a ticket. That makes it consensual."

To say that Age of Extinction is the best installment in the money-minting Transformers franchise is like saying the best episode of The Love Boat was the one that had Charo in it... ~Rene Rodriguez

Yeah, 'cause everyone knows the best episode was the one with Todd Bridges.

How dare you Michael Bay? How dare you? ~Clayton David

Apparently the second base of mind fucking isn't supposed to happen until the third date.

Transformers: Age of Extinction isn't a bad movie; it's the worst possible product of a big Hollywood system drunk on a cocktail of fermented nostalgia and rancid profiteering while driving moviegoing into the ground. ~ James Rocchi

Too soon! Too soon!

 

[The Ü™]

I will not be seeing it until tonight PST, but I estimate that I will leave the theater thinking that the critics are just being a bunch of drama queens that are bitter because they couldn't get into show business. Once a far less talented action director like Sam Mendes takes the director's chair, then we will finally have a Trannies movie with a fresh rating.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I will not be seeing it until tonight PST, but I estimate that I will leave the theater thinking that the critics are just being a bunch of drama queens that are bitter because they couldn't get into show business. Once a far less talented action director like Sam Mendes takes the director's chair, then we will finally have a Trannies movie with a fresh rating.

Are you kidding? Skyfall was a much better movie than even the first Transformers. Not only does the story suck, not only do the characters suck, not only do the robot designs suck, Bay can't even direct action scenes. The one cool thing about that movie was the jet transformer.

 

[Totenkindly]

I just found a good-quality stream of Transformers (2007) and managed to struggle through the first hour, but I think I'm done. It's really pretty, but oh good god is it boring.

The entire movie is written for 12-14 year old boys, the best I can tell -- the situations, the jokes, the logic. I'm just really, really bored. Even during the action sequences, I'm bored.

I guess if that was their demographic, though, then they successfully reached it.

Despite never watching the show, I did know (somehow) that the Camaro's name was Bumblebee. Do I win a cookie?

 

[The Ü™]

After Trannies 3, which I found to be the most beauxring, I wasn't as excited for Trans4mers. I didn't think it could be topped in terms of action setpieces, but somehow, they managed to do it. Age of Extinction was the best Tranny since the first movie, and the 3D was mesmerizing. As amazing and detailed the Transformers are and how mindblowing it is to watch them transform, you sorta think you're gonna get beauxred of it after a while, but no. Trans4mers takes it to a whole new level. Quite honestly, this is a new level of special fx...yes, probably the best fx I've ever seen. The immense detail in everything was breathtaking. Age of Extinction breathes new life into the series, and on the horizon, I think there will be more than just Transformers.

Also noteworthy is when the heroes are in Lockdown's ship, some amazing shots there. Never before have I felt the enormity of an alien spaceship.

And don't you love how Mark Wahlberg doesn't play his struggling inventor role as the nerdy crackpot cliche and instead plays it as a jock mechanic?

In other news, Shia LaBeouf is in jail.

 

[jcloudz]

i watched the first transformer in hopes of cold steel slicing shia`s head off. joking aside. any movie that fucker is in, its more of a " i will wait for it on netflix"
transformers is tainted