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Essay peer-review

Cimarron

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This is the final version, and has already been turned in to my teacher for grading. I am pretty nervous about this one, because I went out on a limb and changed plans significantly at the last minute.

I rationalize it by saying that I don't have to do well in this class (Persuasive Writing), I just have to pass. I'm a science major, and this class fulfills a required Writing Quota.

**Pay special attention to the second to last paragraph. I bet it sounds like BS. It's not meant to be, it's just that I felt it was an important joint in the paper, but couldn't find how to express it clearly. The delivery probably doesn't come off well.

**Also, the ending really fails if the answer in your head to the rhetorical question is a clear "yes". It's supposed to be at least non-immediate.

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(deleted)
 
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Cimarron

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This kind of thread isn't breaking any rules, right? :blush:
 

Cimarron

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How could it be????!!!!! That is a rhetorical question.
Well, that's why I don't like this writing style. It doesn't seem like "naturally" good writing. But I guess my professor won't care much for my opinion on that.
 

Jack Flak

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Are you high? I was referring to your "Is this thread OK with the rules" question. I haven't read your essay, and I won't, because I'm not a teacher.
 

nolla

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Hmm... well... the topic itself seems interesting, but I think there's too many examples. I guess I would like more "in this world" kind of stuff. Like, "the best way to navigate your way out of relationship gracefully" :) or "how to keep harmony at work place". The same skills are used there, but it is a lot more interesting than the politics. At least for me.
 

Cimarron

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Are you high? I was referring to your "Is this thread OK with the rules" question. I haven't read your essay, and I won't, because I'm not a teacher.
Oh. Well, there are threads in this section dealing with help for math problems, lasting multiple pages, so it looked like those were within the rules. If it's not, a mod can trash this, that's fine. And if you don't want to read it, that's fine, too.

Nolla, the topic had to be about the presidential debates, and how they used rhetoric in some way. But you do think there are too many examples? I don't know what else would fill up the space in a paper like this.
 

Cimarron

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Yeah, I know it can sound whiny to post a thread saying "help me with my homework". But people have answered such threads in the past, so I figured I'd go for it. Enough discussion down this road, though.
 

Jack Flak

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LOL. I swear SJs...NEVER understand what I'm trying to say. NEVER. NEVER. Did I say never?

I've started threads for homework help myself, elsewhere, and that's fine. The hilarious part is that you thought it was against the rules. It's downright FUNNY, my friend.
 

Cimarron

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Yeah but now I don't even know if this can be helpful. And I feel kind of self-centered. :tongue:
 

Tallulah

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I think you've put together a good rhetorical analysis, Cimarron. I assume your teacher wants you to use technical language and identify types of stasis, etc.? I ask because the technical jargon makes it a tougher read.

As an English teacher, what I'd suggest is to take out the "we" and "us" stuff from the introduction. Instead of "We often hear politicians use..." just say "politicians often use..." It's a stronger tactic. Also, watch using "this" with no object, ala "We see this in..." This what? Be specific.
 

Cimarron

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I assume your teacher wants you to use technical language and identify types of stasis, etc.? I ask because the technical jargon makes it a tougher read.
Yeah, I intend to thin that out. We have to connect technical rhetorical devices to our subject (in this case, their speeches), but after saying some things a few times, I'm sure I could trim a lot of it down.

Tallulah said:
As an English teacher, what I'd suggest is to take out the "we" and "us" stuff from the introduction. Instead of "We often hear politicians use..." just say "politicians often use..." It's a stronger tactic. Also, watch using "this" with no object, ala "We see this in..." This what? Be specific.
Okay, and my teacher says that too. But he also made us read a book basically to say "Don't write long-winded, empty sentences. And restrain yourself from using passive verbs and voices." Whenever I don't do one, it sounds like he chides me for not doing the other...
 

6sticks

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Listen to the two major candidates in the 2008 presidential race each give their opening analysis in a televised debate.
I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

But I'm not a professor.
 

Tallulah

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Yeah, I intend to thin that out. We have to connect technical rhetorical devices to our subject (in this case, their speeches), but after saying some things a few times, I'm sure I could trim a lot of it down.

Okay, and my teacher says that too. But he also made us read a book basically to say "Don't write long-winded, empty sentences. And restrain yourself from using passive verbs and voices." Whenever I don't do one, it sounds like he chides me for not doing the other...

I didn't notice you doing either of those things. I think you're safe there.

I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

But I'm not a professor.

LOL, yeah, I'd take out the "Listen to..." sentence, too.
 

animenagai

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this is an interesting read so props for that. how long is this essay supposed to be? is this it?

either way, i want to see some of your own opinion. are the techniques effective? can they draw things out a bit more instead of just changing tense and use it to their advantage? are there benefits of not doing so? etc.

good luck!
 

Cimarron

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I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

But I'm not a professor.
Okay, he didn't say anything about that when he read over that part in class, but he probably was focusing on other things. I can rewrite that part.

This professor hates the stuffy formal writing style, he's made that clear, and likes us to try something daring. But, you know, it has to work, too. :blush:

Anime, I have edited the OP, and I think this will be all the material. I get the feeling he wants this to be a little over 1000 words. My word count is 1208 right now, before I've written real paragraphs at the end. If I have to, I can probably shorten some of the examples. When the professor explained this concept in class, I thought it was really interesting, got my attention. I guess I haven't made a judgment of my own yet, still observing how it works.


--Thanks for taking your time to review my essay, I do appreciate it.--
 

Eileen

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I skimmed it. I have to go to work now and can't really help at the moment. At first glance, it does seem a little repetitive to me. And then--because I skimmed maybe--in the bulleted part, it seems like you're talking more about rhetorical devices and less about verbs. This defocuses your paper.

I think that you could bring in passive voice when talking about verbs, too.

Anyway, I have to run. When is this due?
 

Cimarron

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I skimmed it. I have to go to work now and can't really help at the moment. At first glance, it does seem a little repetitive to me. And then--because I skimmed maybe--in the bulleted part, it seems like you're talking more about rhetorical devices and less about verbs. This defocuses your paper.

I think that you could bring in passive voice when talking about verbs, too.

Anyway, I have to run. When is this due?
As I post, it's due in a little more than 24 hours.

The bulleted part I will translate into verbs and their focus*, but I'm using the rhetorical labels to remind myself of why they're important and how it fits together. I'll keep an eye on it, though. I know I've done it before.

*focus--The teacher, and our "textbook", claim that the tenses have these effects:
Past = blame
Present = values
Future = choice
So I want to relate the verbs to these effects, and show what the politician would gain from saying it, I guess. I'll look through the bulleted part right now, too, just in case.
 
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