Massaging my boss

[little.bad.apple]

Well, I'm not sure what to make of my situation.

I was recently hired as a personal assistant after over a year of unsuccessfully searching for a job.

My boss mentioned from the very beginning that he's had various leg injuries so he's been receiving massages 7 years now from the assistants he's had. He presented the massaging portion of the job as an option, though, the main duties being filing, light cleaning, and general organizing. So I said yes to that portion of the job, eager to secure the job (and seeing no real problem with it).

So up until recently we'd only communicated with each other through email and over the phone. Today we met in person as a sort of interview to ensure that we were certain we wanted to work together. We met at Starbucks and then went on to the room he rents, in which he has his office. Anyways, I agreed to the massaging and we went through with it. He was very nice about it and kept making sure I was comfortable with it.

But it wasn't until today that I realized it was a full body massage... which is customarily done in the nude. And I have to admit it was a tiny bit shocking seeing this person I'd just met naked, let alone touching him in that state.

Well, I like to think of myself as quite open-minded. But for some reason I didn't feel as comfortable as I wanted to. I had thoughts of: 'What is my boyfriend going to think', 'or my friends', 'Is this wrong', 'is it my prudish upbringing'.. etc.

So I really don't know how I feel about it. It just seems so foreign and potentially taboo that it's confusing me. I think there's nothing wrong with it in theory, so I don't know what the problem is.

Maybe I'm just too concerned with how others would view it. Even though I don't believe that should necessarily be a determining factor.

Anyways, thoughts? reprimands? Perspective please?

 

[Amargith]

What others think, doesn't matter. Look inside. How does the situation *feel* to you?

 

[Polaris]

What on earth did he do to get multiple leg injuries? Why would a leg injury require him to strip down naked and get a full-body massage? It sounds very strange to me, to say the least, and I wouldn't get involved with it if I were you. Too many creepy possibilities.

 

[little.bad.apple]

What others think, doesn't matter. Look inside. How does the situation *feel* to you?

You're right, of course. Well it feels like it's very normal for him and for me it's not very normal.

What on earth did he do to get multiple leg injuries? Why would a leg injury require him to strip down naked and get a full-body massage? It sounds very strange to me, to say the least, and I wouldn't get involved with it if I were you. Too many creepy possibilities.

Athletic over-exhaustion, two accidents while traveling.. it seems his body structure is the cause of the predisposition. Well, he works a 60+ hour week, it's also for relaxation.

I'm considering telling him I just want the regular tasks and that I'm just not entirely comfortable with the massage. But I still can't explain to myself why it feels strange to me. Maybe somewhere like Sweden it would feel much more normal heh.

 

[Amargith]

Find the reason
Is it just that you don't like the idea in general or is he giving off a vibe you don't trust?

And if you don't like the idea in general, could it be just because you don't know him well enough yet? Could you see yourself doing it for a friend? Is it perhaps possible to ask him to meet up a couple of times more to get to know him, to make you comfortable with it? For him too, it might be nice to get to know the person who is going to be touching him

For that matter, are you a trained masseuse? How is it that he wants you to do this if you are not? And if you are, why is this something you're uncomfortable with?

 

[INTJ123]

Is he married/single? You should probably just tell him you don't want to do it, doing office work and giving massages sounds like a weird mix of job requirements to me.

 

[Kasper]

If you are a masseuse or qualified in some related area then it's understandable and you simply need to work out if you're comfortable with it. If however your skills are in PAing then... Wow! That sounds soooooooooo wrong and completely unprofessional. Do not put yourself in a position where you are alone with this man.

If he needs massages for physical therapy then he'd get them from someone who is qualified not a PA on his staff. All sorts of flashing warning lights should be going off.

 

[Valiant]

...Maybe somewhere like Sweden it would feel much more normal heh.

Haha, no. It wouldn't be normal here in Sweden, either.
Swedish work ethic would probably make us do it until/if something of sexual nature occured, and then file a lawsuit against the bastard.
If it's nothing sexual at all, and he's not a pervert who loves to be surrounded by nice INFP women touching his body...

Hey wait, that stuff doesn't sound half-bad, actually

 

[murkrow]

Shit is fucked up.

He should be using a professional masseuse.

What would your boyfriend think? Probably that this guy is a fucking cunt expecting too much of female employees who are desperate for employment.

You can meditate on how much you need the position and how much it bothers you to do this.

also the pay had better be great.

urgh... he should have a male assistant if he's gonna pull this shit.

 

[FDG]

Uhm. It doesn't sound any good (for you. For him it sounds pretty good, but that's not the point).

 

[Haphazard]

This sounds suspicious. As his assistant, what other things does he expect you to dig into his personal life? If his injuries are really so much of a problem for him, don't you think he would be hiring a professional to take care of this instead of some assistant whose training is in typing and excel?

 

[Ivy]

Serious, serious boundaries issue IMO. He's perfectly capable of paying a licensed massage therapist for this service in an environment set up for it with oversight and everything else that entails. If you say the massage stuff makes you uncomfortable and then he fires you, I'd definitely report him.

 

[Prototype]

He's a creep,... Why are still thinking about it?

 

[Ivy]

I also have to say that I agree with Trinity- there is NO WAY I would enter the domicile/office of a man I barely know, and be with him alone while he's undressed for any reason. There is nothing innocent about this, IMO.

 

[cafe]

I'm freaked out just reading this. I haven't read the book, but this strikes me as the kind of thing that would come up in The Gift of Fear.

 

[Laurie]

You should find out what is required by personal assistants. I've never been a personal assistant. They really do have different jobs than secretaries, that's about all I know.

 

[Spamtar]

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING seek out consultation of an attorney in your jurisdiction who specializes in sexual harassment/employment law. Litigation may not be necessary and you may be able to find one who will give you a free consultation or limited cost consultation. If they are ethical they will give you advice on how best to address this situation to either tip it at the bud (like write a letter for you to your boss on his legal letterhead or otherwise proceed as necessary).

IMO it is an inappropriate boundary to place yourself in he might ask for a handjob next. My only concern is that there may be some sort of retaliation by him if you do not proceed in addressing the matter appropriately.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Serious, serious boundaries issue IMO. He's perfectly capable of paying a licensed massage therapist for this service in an environment set up for it with oversight and everything else that entails. If you say the massage stuff makes you uncomfortable and then he fires you, I'd definitely report him.

I agree. If you are not a licensed massage therapist, then there are other issues to consider if you are required to give massages as part of employment. It is possible to injure someone if you don't have training. This is especially true if they have a physical injury. Besides the sense of personal boundaries being crossed, he could probably technically take legal action if he was injured by someone being paid to give him a massage without a license. I wouldn't do it.

 

[little.bad.apple]

Find the reason
Is it just that you don't like the idea in general or is he giving off a vibe you don't trust?

And if you don't like the idea in general, could it be just because you don't know him well enough yet? Could you see yourself doing it for a friend? Is it perhaps possible to ask him to meet up a couple of times more to get to know him, to make you comfortable with it? For him too, it might be nice to get to know the person who is going to be touching him

For that matter, are you a trained masseuse? How is it that he wants you to do this if you are not? And if you are, why is this something you're uncomfortable with?

I'm just not entirely comfortable with the idea of it. His vibe is very normal, it seems to show that he's been doing it for years IMO. Yes, it could be that I don't know him well enough yet.

Well, according to him, he likes training the person who does it because he finds already-trained masseuses to be too mechanical. He wants to be able to teach someone how to do it from scratch.

And of course, I don't know if his preference is also influenced by this, but even though the pay is quite good, I'm sure a licensed masseuse would charge much more.

Haha, no. It wouldn't be normal here in Sweden, either.
Swedish work ethic would probably make us do it until/if something of sexual nature occured, and then file a lawsuit against the bastard.
If it's nothing sexual at all, and he's not a pervert who loves to be surrounded by nice INFP women touching his body...

Hey wait, that stuff doesn't sound half-bad, actually

What do you mean work ethic would make you do it until then..? People would be clever about getting back at a perv like that so they'd keep going till the law protected them?

Yes, it's nothing sexual at all, or at least it doesn't feel remotely sexual. Hehe, of course.. who better than nurturing INFPs right?

Shit is fucked up.

He should be using a professional masseuse.

What would your boyfriend think? Probably that this guy is a fucking cunt expecting too much of female employees who are desperate for employment.

You can meditate on how much you need the position and how much it bothers you to do this.

also the pay had better be great.

urgh... he should have a male assistant if he's gonna pull this shit.

Yeah, I'm thinking my boyfriend will freak out when I tell him.. for lack of a better term.

Well, he seemed to convey that if the assistant isn't comfortable with the massaging part, that he'll just have to hire someone else who will do it. Though he prefers having only one person because it's obviously much more convenient.

Uhm. It doesn't sound any good (for you. For him it sounds pretty good, but that's not the point).

Exactly.

Serious, serious boundaries issue IMO. He's perfectly capable of paying a licensed massage therapist for this service in an environment set up for it with oversight and everything else that entails. If you say the massage stuff makes you uncomfortable and then he fires you, I'd definitely report him.

What if he is completely fine with me just doing the other part of the job, what would you think about still working for him?

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING seek out consultation of an attorney in your jurisdiction who specializes in sexual harassment/employment law. Litigation may not be necessary and you may be able to find one who will give you a free consultation or limited cost consultation. If they are ethical they will give you advice on how best to address this situation to either tip it at the bud (like write a letter for you to your boss on his legal letterhead or otherwise proceed as necessary).

IMO it is an inappropriate boundary to place yourself in he might ask for a handjob next. My only concern is that there may be some sort of retaliation by him if you do not proceed in addressing the matter appropriately.

Well, he's described the situations with his previous employees.. saying some where fine with it, one backed out after the first time. What sort of retaliation do you mean?

I agree. If you are not a licensed massage therapist, then there are other issues to consider if you are required to give massages as part of employment. It is possible to injure someone if you don't have training. This is especially true if they have a physical injury. Besides the sense of personal boundaries being crossed, he could probably technically take legal action if he was injured by someone being paid to give him a massage without a license. I wouldn't do it.

Good point.

 

[avolkiteshvara]

What are you complaining about. Its just a little hand.

The poor guy is in pain.

Its not like he asked to penetrate you.