The social subtypes also all have energy flowing toward or away from social groups. Or, they may show a great deal of ambivalence about groups, but there is lots of energy in this ambivalence.
I know I posted this quote yesterday but I can't emphasize it enough. This is exactly how I feel. After I felt like puking about it, I couldn't help but accept that social seems to be dominant for me. My sexual is just really strong so it can be hard to tell at times. The fact that I'd rather be sx/so than so/sx strikes me as the icing on the cake that I'm so/sx. I'm really ashamed about being a social dom, which isn't because I hate social doms or look down on them- I'm married to one- but because it's where my deepest insecurities reside/ the things I dislike most about myself.
I have such a love/hate/ambivalent relationship with society, people, groups. I think as a 4w5 it can feel especially conflicting because here I am, a very Bohemian/iconoclastic type, and yet I find myself always considering the greater group/ how my actions affect others. It's weird swinging between sexual and social, too. One part of me is very brazen and shameless while one part of me can barely talk to the cashier at the grocery store.
A long while ago I read some instinct descriptions (I think it was Helen Palmer) and the social fit me remarkably well but I dismissed it because I didn't relate to any of the non etype specific social descriptions, like they were the furthest thing from me. I've also heard that social fours typically don't see themselves as social types initially and they typically identify equally with self pres and sexual instead. It's even been said that if, as a four, you don't immediately identify with self pres or sexual you are probably a social four. (I, for one, thought for sure I must be sx/sp or sp/sx and constantly oscillated between the two, then I started flirting with the possibility of the social instinct but it seemed... ridiculous.)
I'm a bit uncertain about all this. You may be right about So-first being pleasers - I really couldn't say for sure either way. I don't really think of it that way but it may be subconscious. I'm also not sure if I would say "cliquey-ness" is associated with So in general. People are herd animals. They want to fit in and assert their place in the world by being part of something; sometimes excluding others out of personal insecurity. I don't think this sort of behaviour could be simply put down to the Social instinct (not that you're necessarily saying that). It's also a flaw I don't identify much with - whether I'm in a healthy or unhealthy state.
I have never been a cliquey person, never ever ever. I hate categorizing and grouping people, it's abhorrent to me. I see people as individuals, that is unless I'm really irritated about say, the trash in the creek that goes by our house. Then I find myself ranting about how much people suck. I tend to have a lot of misanthropic internal rants when I'm walking around by myself. I will also read something in the paper and yell out to no one in particular, "Why do people do things like this? Why don't they do it like this (and then I'll make a suggestion) instead?" And then my daughter will say, "Mom, you should be in charge of everything." And then I'll say, "I know. I should be." But then of course I don't follow up and do anything. (I think this is pretty classic so/sx four. Social criticism plus arrogance plus flaky.) I feel extremely separate from 'people', yet inextricably connected at the same time.
Am I a pleaser? I think I can seem a little nine-ish in that I'm fairly accommodating and adaptable. I tend to sacrifice certain things that matter to me for the sake of family harmony, and then feel a little resentful about it. I think I can really seem kind of nine/two/six-ish at times even though I am very much a four. I can be a bit of a martyr, because suffering is what I do.
It's hard to pick a single flaw to characterise the Social instinct, because it's a strangely contradictory instinct. It's about being one of the herd and at the same time values those that stand out. But then perhaps all three instincts have a contradictory quality to them. If anything, the problem with it is putting too much stock in others - perhaps more specifically, in needing the approval of others, I dare say.
I don't feel the need for approval so much as... I just don't want to upset/hurt people/harm the planet. I want to be an honorable person. But at the same time I want to be unflinchingly honest in my art. So that's my constant internal conflict. How do I be my honest, authentic, dark self and share it with the world as I feel compelled to and not hurt people who matter to me? (By people I mean loved ones, not strangers.) So I don't share and I feel unfulfilled. (I have considered a pen name. Anonymity takes all those self conscious feelings away.) I also have my very sexual instinct moments where I am totally shameless and then I feel so ashamed afterwards. The swing between shameless to shameful can be paralyzing.
TBH I don't really consider myself all that outwardly whiny really, and think the whole whiny 4 stereotype is exaggerated. I totally admit to being so on the inside, but I usually keep that to myself partly because I couldn't bear to be thought of as that. But if you set up a situation like therapy where a 4 is meant to be open about themselves and they express their whiny, interior thoughts and then you judge them for it - that's f-ed up.
I doubt most people would call me whiny, either. If anything they would probably say I don't share enough. If anything, I think the better exemplar of my social fourness is my self defeating/self sabotaging nature or the idea of "what's wrong with you is you think there's something wrong with you" (although I also have the sexual four- 'you are so damn amazing' thoughts as well). I also like when descriptions mention how social fours feel intense shame about not meeting their ideal vision of their self. That's me in spades.
I approve so much of this description - especially the part about being the most intellectual type.
I actually think I'm more emotional than intellectual, but I can see how I use my head to consider how my actions affect others, the planet, etc.
EDIT: yeah, Helen Palmer. Here:
http://www.enneagramworldwide.com/explore-the-enneagram/instinctual-subtypes/instinctual-subtypes-4.php
Social: Shame/counter-shame
In the social domain you easily can feel shame for not measuring up or being a “misfit.†You feel that your protective cover is removed and that your deficiencies or shortcomings will be exposed publicly. You mitigate your envy through shame. You want to hide your defects and deficiencies, keep your fatal flaws from being detected and avoid disgrace. Your shame also helps you feel or keep a connection to others: “They’ll notice me and my deficiencies, and I’ll matter.†This makes you feel special in the eyes of others. Shame also motivates you to do better – create an elegant image, produce pride of elitism, look unique and special, in short to develop counter-shame and a sense of honor for your integrity and what you do for the group. You may become an emotional truth-teller in the group. At your worst, shame can lead to retraction into self-absorption, depression or despair.