Example of what I was just saying about equating empathy with right actions and judgements:
ENFJ: So you're saying that you don't think I'm worth your time because I don't come up to your standards?
Me: No, that's nothing like what I meant. [frustration showing in my voice] I'm simply saying that I find you too much hard work to be around, but in no way is this any cause for me to judge you. It's probably a fault in
me that makes me not be able to get along with you smoothly - I'm just trying to be honest here and reduce both of our stress loads.
ENFJ: But you are judging me, because you're saying you don't want to see me any more.
Me: No, that's not judging, that's just me making a choice about what I do with my free time. I'm not saying that just because I don't want to spend time with someone, I therefore think they're a bad person. I'm not some supreme arbiter of human worth - all it means if I don't want to spend time with you is that you and I are incompatible. It doesn't mean anything about my opinion of you as a human being. [agitation and exasperation with seemingly wilful misunderstanding showing in my tone of voice]
ENFJ: But listen to yourself - your voice is full of anger and you're insulting me because you just can't handle the fact that I disagree with you.
Me: No, my voice is full of anger because I'm trying to communicate my feelings and thoughts to you, but you keep twisting what I say to make out that I'm trying to upset you.
ENFJ: But you are upsetting me.
Me: It's not my intention! I'm actually saying the exact opposite of what you keep telling me I'm saying, you're doing my fucking head in!
ENFJ: You see? You're just flying off the handle at me, it's quite clear to me that I annoy the hell out of you and you just don't want anything to do with me, you think I'm stupid and not worth your time.
Me: NOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm saying you're alright and a good person, just not my cup of tea ffs! Clearly I'm not your cup of tea either, so I don't know why you're having such a problem with it!
ENFJ: That's right, now you're trying to make out it's me who's insulting you.
Me: NO!!!! ARGHGHGHGHG why do you keep putting everything I say down to anger when the only reason I'm angry is because you're NOT LISTENING to me, and the only response it's causing is to make me keep trying to EXPLAIN to you! Why don't you listen to my WORDS instead of focusing on my feelings and trying to interpret my words in light of them? The words have nothing to do with my feelings, I'm talking about something totally separate to what's currently causing me to feel angry and frustrated!!
ENFJ: Yeah, whatever sub, well, since you've made it quite clear what you think of me, I just won't bother you any more. Goodbye (flounce off).
Me: Dude, you've just walked out with a fixed idea that you know what I think of you, but in fact, you haven't a fucking clue... sigh!