I know that a lot of people on this thread are saying that I'm actually so/sx as opposed to an sx dom. However, there are a few things about myself that I would like to share with you all to help you to understand why I believe myself to be an sx dom.
1. I've pretty much always craved intimacy ever since I was a child.
When I was a child I was like a love sick puppy. All I cared about was finding a mate. In fact, when I was very young I would make up fantasy style tales of finding the perfect lover and how amazing it would be. This is literally all that I thought of as a child: I was literally like a Disney mother fucker. Hell, I remember when I was in grade school I even joined the school chorus to just to get with this one woman that I deeply cared for. It just made me so happy to be around her, lol. When I was around her, it was almost like a sense of pure ecstacy came over me. Well of course I did later get with the girl, but we later wound up breaking up due to our young age, lol.
2. I think I've changed my relationship perspective a lot sense my mother and father's divorce.
Again, when I was a child, I was a love sick puppy and was obsessed with being in a relationship. I remember when I was in high school, I wasn't looking for someone to just fuck or to even sexually experiment with: all that I was looking for is this one "perfect lover" that would complete me. To tell the truth, I was really looking for a wife in high school, and was pretty much a Twilight mother fucker. I never did find this perfect lover in high school, but I damn sure tried, lol.
Anyway, my search for this one perfect lover continued until I was out of high school and then everything changed...forever. One of the reasons that I was so gung ho on finding a wife in high school was because my mother and father's relationship was so happy throughout my entire childhood. I thought to myself, "I want what my parents have, but I want that for myself.", so my search continued. However, in 2007 both of my parents went to jail, my mother then met a crackhead in jail who she fell in love with, brought her home, told us that she was just a friend that she was trying to help, and deceived us all. Long story short, my mother wound up selling everything that we cared about in the house (about $200,000.00) worth of stuff that my parents had accumulated throughout the years, left my father for this other woman, stole my car through a legal battle, and deserted us all. She did all of this within a period of 6 months. After seeing this, it left me feeling broken and scarred forever inside, and I now I found myself afraid of falling in love with a woman.
Before, I never understood the concept of being a player: I didn't understand the concept of being with several women throughout your life. All that I really understood was the concept of finding this one perfect woman to spend the rest of your life with. However, after my parents divorce, I became somewhat of a player, and slept with a few girls. It's almost like I was deeply craving this strong sense of intimacy deep inside, and I needed these inner needs to be met. However, the sex felt empty inside, and it really didn't really feel good at all: I wasn't getting this strong sense of connection that I was so desperately craving inside. However, I was at least able to get at least "some of my needs" satisfied.
I will say though in the last few years (it was during this time period that my car was completely taken and couldn't use it at all) that finding a lover has been very hard for me. I've been going to college and I've been constantly investing in my future and it hasn't given me much time to work as of late. So therefore, I really haven't had stable transportation or much money to really date, so trying to find a lover at the current moment has been difficult. I should say though, as of late, that I'm literally going FUCKING CRAZY inside because I'm so desperate to find someone special to be with. I've been stricken with crazy fucking impulses as of late that I'm now seeing a hypnotist to try to stop them. The impulses are so fucking crazy that I can't even talk about what they specifically are, but what I can say is that they could VERY EASILY get me arrested and thrown in jail for years and that terrifies me. What terrifies me even more is that I'm always so close to acting on them. It's like I'm getting to the point that I'm becoming completely counter-phobic and not giving a shit about anything right now. It's almost like my body deep inside is telling me that something is wrong and that there is something missing in my life. I'm so desperate to find a special woman in my life that I'm literally freaking out inside, and it feels like it is internally TEARING ME APART!
However, one night recently, I met this Hispanic girl at a bar and started chatting with her. I thought that I had developed decent chemistry with her and I even got her number. Anyway, it didn't work out long story short. However, when we did get together and I started to feel close to her, all of my inner-most anxieties, my impulses, and everything just went away almost over-night and for a period of a week or so, I felt freed: I was freed from my inner cage of loneliness and I felt better than I have felt in years. Anyway, I now figure that if I can just find a lover, that my impulse problem will go away completely and I am working diligently on this project.
Anyway, yeah this is why I think that I might be an sx dom.
[MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] [MENTION=6877]Marmotini[/MENTION] [MENTION=10496]skylights[/MENTION] [MENTION=5289]mcgooglian[/MENTION] [MENTION=5684]Elfboy[/MENTION]
You may all want to check out this thread.