I think the difference might lie in the fact that NFPs tend to look at a person holistically. And, subsequently, we feel loved by being understood. That sort of implies that you do not *need* a fucking manual to deal with those you love, as you make it a point to *know* them. That coming to an agreement and setting rules and guidelines within a relationship feels..well, constricting. Sure, it has its benefits to use Te (coz thats what that is to us) to outline things in the world and organise shit, and even deal with logistics within a relationship, but to regulate the relationship itself is..constricting. It takes away the spontaneity, the authenticity and ultimately..it builds resentment as your relationship appears to be more about duties and obligations than about genuinly loving and appreciating the other and doing things for them *because* you are motivated by that love, not by a sense of 'oh right, this was in the contract as well.'
That also means that when conflicts arise, you trust in that ability to read and understand the other person to hash it out here and now. And you in a way *expect* (at least I do, from my boyfriend, its the one exception I have on expectations as I hate them, but I screen for it thoroughly in selecting a mate) the other to put in the effort to know you and understand you well enough to help you resolve that conflict. In my case, that includes *knowing* that I fucking love you and that I aint saying things to hurt you just for the heck of it. That I do not feel the need to backstab you or hurt you in the process, but that I accidentally might as Im frustrated and hurt myself. I demand to get the benefit of the doubt on that though. I love you, therefore hurting you is unlikely to be my goal. If you know me at all, for that matter, you'd know it is the furthest thing from my mind. And that works vice versa as well. That way no resentment can build up, things are out in the open, we know where we stand even if we do not like it, and we still love each other despite what was said. And now we can pick up the pieces and build towards a great future together.
In essence, i do not want you to agree with me upon how to resolve things and use rules (which always have x-amount of exceptions *anyways*) to relate to me. That to me, is for amateurs (no offense, seriously, I know this must be frustrating to hear for Fe-users). I want mastery. I want you to know me so intimately that rules are not necessary, that you can use what you know about me so diligently that there *are* no rules anymore. You just *know*. For you, to become a master at who i am (and for me to do the same) is the greatest love of all. It basically comes down to 'Paint by Numbers' vs exquisite art, in my books.
As for the communicating needs-thing..I think that's Fe vs Te. Usually Fi-users let the chips fall where they may and are attracted to those that naturally tend to their needs (I hope, at least) and vice versa. This is done to respect the core of the other person as well as yourself. They are who they are and unless *they* decide to change themselves, that is who you will be working with. And you can choose to change yourself or not in order to do so. Even more preferable however is to not have to change a thing and let the person be themselves and naturally address each others needs due to the way you are (less resentment, less friction etc that way).
No offense taken. I understand why you feel that way. The thing is, what might feel like 'rules' and 'manuals' for Fi-users are actually not really rules at all. Imagine two Fe-users together. It is natural for each to be extremely tuned in to what the other is feeling, picking up the slightest hints and adjusting to what the other person needs. It is not because they have set certain rules or behavior guidelines for each other to follow. It's just a flow of harmony. It's natural and not something that is
imposed on anyone. I willingly adjust to you out of my love and care for you -- because I want to take care of you, I want to make you happy.
I think what you said about mastery is true for everyone, especially in intimate relationships. Ultimately, everyone will want a relationship where you know each other so well that nothing has to be said. I think here Fe just takes the practical route and does not expect everyone to read minds. That's just what it is -- just spelling things out and consciously looking at it together to see what it is. Fi has 'rules' too -- but they are not called 'rules' because they are not apparent. Fi seems pretty ok with not understanding other people's 'rules', respecting them as part of who they are. This is natural among Fi-users.
However, when you try to go across the Fi-Fe border, things get confusing for both sides. Fi-users feel like suddenly so much expectation is placed on them to act a certain way, and Fe-users have emotional explosions blow up in their face without warning. Of course, when two people desire a perfect relationship, this will slowly adjust itself as both people will try to accommodate to each other naturally, by learning more about each other and bend towards each other, achieving a natural compromise (which is not really a 'compromise', because the two people are motivated by their desire to fulfill each other) I think it's important not to place value judgment on the each other's way of doing things. I don't think it's fair to totally expect one partner to adjust, so Fe has to learn how to deal with less clarity, and Fi has to learn how to deal with more clarity. Just because something is visible doesn't mean it's cheap, and just because something is invisible doesn't mean it's selfish.
With two healthy individuals, what you described would naturally happen. However, no one is completely healthy, and people unintentionally do things that are selfish and hurtful all the time. I think when Fe feels restricting and Fi feels selfish, it's a sign that
something is wrong that that much conflict was created in the first place. From my experience in my relationship, this usually happens when there is real life stress involved, and we are not 'at our best'.
When something then goes to a point where you go: 'Do not do that!', it is a Te warning as to your coming close to changing the core or demanding a change in the core. It however does not mean the Fi-user doesn't see your point/isnt capable of seeing your point as to why you would wanna go that way. They usually will be open to a conversation about how to reach the goal (Te) using alternative routes that do not disturb Fi. Decisions as to whether or not Fi needs an internal review to accommodate the goal are entirely made by the Fi-user and the process often leads to brooding alone. It requires time, introspection and will often happen without you realizing, until you come across the change by accident, or they make it a point to inform you that *this* now has changed. Often they are more than willing to elaborate as to how that change came about when asked about it (after the facts, during they are still struggling with internal conflicts and opposing views!), but this does not often come up, so it rarely happens.
I've experienced this!
I just have a feeling that a lot of the so-called 'rules' are there for a reason. For example, I do have a moral code that I follow, which is I will treat others like how I wish them to treat me. I will try my best to restrain myself from doing hurtful things, even when I am angry or not feeling well, because I know it hurts when other people "take it out" on me. Sometimes when I am upset about something my INFP did and I try to explain to him why I was hurt, I feel like he thinks that my feelings are 'unreasonable'. That is until the same thing happens to him, and he realizes that, yes, it hurts, and that causes him to change his behaviors, so this 'external rule' becomes his 'personal rule' as well. To me, it just seems like a shortcut to just respect and accept how someone wants something a certain way without having to wait to experience it yourself.
I don't know if it makes sense, but a lot of the time, I think these 'Fe rules' are just a collection of other people's 'personal values' made apparent and are not necessarily evil.
Wow, this is looong.