So I hope this doesn't all come across as just arguing or defending the other side. At best (which I'm sure I'll fall short of), I hope this is a way of saying "this is how it looks from here" or maybe even "there's more than one way to see it." Plus, I think it's more about different perspectives than "sides", although talking typology means grouping people together artificially, to some degree.
Here's what's been going wrong in this thread IMO (not necessarily a complete list):
- Suggesting that INFJs doorslam therefore there's something "wrong" with them and expecting INFJs to prove that they are not "wrong"...thereby starting the dialogue on wrong foot/premises...rather then trying to identify what may have gone "wrong in the communication/relationship" and how to rectify it at both ends...using circular logic/self fulfilling logic to that end (like dismissing clarification by INFJs why it might not be so or something else on that INFJ "wrongness")...failure/reluctance to introspect...
So, from my perspective, I don't think the "doorslam" is itself necessarily wrong (it might be completely justified and self-protective), or universal to every INFJ. Still, when they do happen, I think it may feel unexpected and unilateral from the other side. It's clearly better not to get to that point, and I hope that in some cases earlier communication could prevent getting to the doorslam point. Lack of intention doesn't excuse everything, but I think it's easy to read intention where none my exist ("never ascribe to malice...").
I think there's a parallel from INFPs when we tend to withhold expressing judgment until it builds up and comes out all at once: the "being easy-going" thing only goes so far. Going from thinking things are (mostly) fine, to getting chewed out with a backlog of judgment is not fun (as I discovered at the hands of a fellow INFP). Similarly, being shut out without warning is equally upsetting, no doubt.
And, personally, I haven't been "doorslammed" by an INFJ (although I do have some periodic ongoing friction with one of my two best friends from college who is INFJ). Still, I fear that my blindness to trends over time will lead me to misstep, and then get locked out without knowing it is coming.
- Lack of critical thought and self-criticism...inability/reluctance to introspect and empathize whether one has also abruptly ended relationships in the past (either by drifting away or doorslam or by lashing out or by any other means) and to draw parallels between the two so as to introspect/extrapolate the source of the problem or the action...
So you are saying that there other ways to end relationships which are equally "bad" or unilateral? I would agree with that. (And, as mentioned above, the FP suddenly lashing out thing is less than charming, too.)
- Suggesting that INFJs should not rely on their main/dominant Ni perception (but the doorslammees') as it may be unreliable but failure/reluctance to draw parallels to one's main/dominant function in the process in terms of unreliability...Questioning INFJs' right/ability to decide for themselves about the relationship, particularly when one does not apply the same questioning to oneself first...
I guess I'd say that Ni, that Fi, isn't infallible. I think both tend to think they have a hold on "the truth," even though neither can ever have the full picture. I don't anyone is denying the right to decide for oneself whether one should continue a relationship. Still, one hopes there are warnings along the way, so that issues can be resolved, rather than build up (see FP lashing out mentioned above, as an equivalent).
I do wonder sometimes, though, if both Ni and Fe feel "impersonal" in a certain kind of way. Ni-ers describe feeling that their insights don't belong to them, and give a kind of perspective and truth that is experienced as above the fray, with eyes on the horizon. Fe is kind of impersonal, too (even though it can be warm and affirming), in that it's not entirely subjective and grows out of group consensus and proven efficacy in the social realm. It seems like that combination of factors would make it particular difficult to see alternative viewpoints, particularly when they don't align with either one's Ni insights, or Fe evaluations. It seems like both Ni and Fe lead to what's subjectively experienced as "the truth." But no individual has access to the whole truth, and limited information and bias (whether individual or group) have their effect.
So, to make a nod towards being fair (and again, I think personal biases limit how even-handed one can be in practice), I think INFPs have a couple of tendencies that can lead towards bad outcomes. One is the withholding of building judgment mentioned above. Another is kind of denial of inevitability. Fi is tuned into d and subtle gradations. Ne is tuned to the possibilities emerging from the present perception. In combination they can lead to a stance that THIS time is different and unique (subtle differences in Fi evaluations) and that THIS time different outcomes are possible (Ne seeing many possibilities). Sometimes that amounts to fooling oneself as one walks down the primrose path to destruction, ignoring warnings from others.
- Deflecting questions or giving back vague answers to questions...justifying that by claiming INFJs are projecting or trying to move the discussion away from themselves...Lack of reciprocity, clarity and honest dialogue...
I think specifics can be tough for a couple of reasons. First, perceptions about feeling matters (esp for intuitives) tend to be vague and not directly tied to easily relatable perception. This lack of specificity gives lots of room for projection and interpretation (from both sides). Second, when one gives specifics, follow-on critiques can't help but be specific and personalized. In most respects this seems like a lose/lose... and I've seen cases where it played out that way here. Doesn't exactly make one feel compelled to place one's head in the guillotine.... even if I understand that it's frustrating trying to defend against the vague.
- Lack of criticism (and even reinforcement) by other non-INJF posters to people displaying abovegiven characteristics...accusing INFJs of acting based on group dynamics when INFJs' perception regarding such people converge to a singularity and when INFJs criticize/question/cut contact with such people (which (the accusing thing) is ironically another group dynamic in itself)...
I guess I don't feel subjectively like I'm part of a big group attacking the INFJs (nor do I feel like there's a unified group). I'm really, really bad at tracking group dynamics and am not good at politicking. At best I'm (mostly) blissfully unaware, at worse I'm dangerously inept, I suppose. Maybe that makes it hard for me to see coordination and group dynamics when they exist. Still, it seems like group coordination isn't the only explanation for hearing the same thing from multiple individual sources from either side.
We're all stardust snow flakes.
"We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself." I guess even snowflakes are made of star-stuff.