question (to all):
to what extent the unwavering nature of the doorslam relies on the belief you'd never have to face the person you doorslammed?
Well, doorslam = make it go away forever, so ... I'd say the correlation between doorslam and believing you'll never have to face the person you doorslammed is about 100%. I would phrase it as "see" the person you doorslammed, though, not "face," because "face" indicates there is something you're running away from, something you can't face. Doorslam for me is not that I'm trying to escape something I don't want to face, it's that I'm trying to get rid of a nuisance that won't leave me alone. So the fear, if there is any, should be more on their side than mine, of us running into each other again.
I don't know if this example will help, but I offer it just in case -- I just had to doorslam a guy at work. Last year, he and I had a flirtation. He worked late and so did I, and he would come to my desk and flirt, and one thing led to another -- but then it turns out he lives with someone, big surprise to me, and she got suspicious, and he became terrified of the consequences she laid out for him if her suspicions were true, and he abruptly broke up with me, which I was fine with when I learned the reason. The problem is that he then started spending at least an hour a day talking to the woman who sits next to me at work, so he was constantly in my presence. He doesn't work on the same floor of the building and has no business on the floor I work on, and I asked him please to stop coming to my area because it distressed me, and he was defiant. I felt trapped and harassed and there was nothing I could do.
Fast forward to me being out for 4 months on short-term disability, and finding myself dreading seeing him on the day I returned to work, a little sick to my stomach with dread, hoping he had stopped this habit, and finding out once I got to my desk that he had not -- he stood at my desk and talked in a loud voice so everyone on the hall could hear about the fact that he didn't have my phone number anymore or he would have called, to which all I could do was sit there and blink -- my phone number has not changed in many years -- the reason he doesn't have it anymore is that he deleted it from his phone when his girlfriend became suspicious -- we haven't talked on the phone or had any kind of conversation in a year, so I would not expect a phone call from him ever -- he said "Oh, and you're going to blame that on me, hahahaha" -- again, I couldn't think of anything to say -- he follows up with "So you're all right now, everything's ok?" to which I said yes, thanks, and he left. After having let the entire hall know that at some point I gave him my phone number and implying we have some sort of relationship existing outside work, because my phone number is stated as unlisted in the company directory and the only way he would ever have it is for me to have given it to him, and there is no business reason why he would ever need it. So he compromised me. And this is one year almost to the day since we have had any personal contact of any kind, on the phone or otherwise.
So I sent him an email entitled "Formal Notice" and said I wanted him to keep his communications with me work related and I wanted him to stay away from the area where I work, as I have previously asked him to, and that if he didn't, I would next be making these requests to him in the presence of the Human Resources Director.
I hope I never see him again. It's possible I may see him in the cafeteria from time to time, or in an elevator, or passing in a hallway, but I can tolerate that as long as he leaves me alone. I still have a little bit of tension in my stomach about him, but hopefully over time it will fade and I will feel good about my workplace again.
So yeah, doorslam = leave. me. alone. And the reason he needs to be doorslammed is so that I don't stand up and say at the top of my lungs, "The reason you don't have my phone number anymore is that your girlfriend threatened not to let you drive her car anymore if you played around on her, I'm pretty sure that was the case, wasn't it? and to kick you out, and you can't afford your own place by yourself?" thereby embarrassing and humiliating him. I will if I have to, but if he stays away from me, I won't have to.
I do this on facebook -- I realize it's not quite the same thing, but the way people react sometimes, you'd think it was -- if someone works my nerves for long enough, I block them. OMG, you'd think I'd run over their dog. The thing is, before my illness was discovered, if I was hypomanic, they were in for a real tongue-lashing. If they were heavy posters in groups I was in and their every post set my teeth on edge, it was much better if I blocked them than if I took a chance on losing control and displaying my irritation.
My point being, sometimes it's best to just accept that someone doesn't want you around. Sometimes you really are better off that way, and they are doing it to spare you further pain. My request to him that he be a gentleman and spare me had no effect, because he was more interested in showing me who's boss, and he assumed that because I'm quiet and kind, I don't have what it takes to force him -- but I do. I just didn't want to go there.