Did you try explaining to her that you sometimes need to express a stream of free-flowing ideas and just have her listen without commentary? I think Richard Feynman talked about that issue. He loved finding people to share his thoughts with.
yep, what followed suit was one of her only and most non-genuine attempts to "change" something about her behavior for me - she argued that she can't remember the comments that she wants to say, and would thus need a paper to write them down, i didn't see any problem with that at the time, but then when it came to true execution of her idea - she did it with such resentment and bringing it to the center stage which didn't leave much room for the free-flow of anything other then her resentment for "having to do this"... so we decided to have it her way, but the next time we had an "organic conversation" as she idealized, i later asked her what exactly was my idea she was so critical of in that organic conversation, she couldn't actually tell me - she had no idea what she was commenting about.
the thing is that whenever i gave her anything i thought of after having talked to someone else about it or having a chance to write it down - having had gone through that little moment of looking at my own thoughts through the observers perspective and determining how to best express them - she would love it, and so did i, we could have had extensive debates, brainstorm ideas, provide each other with deep realizations and fascinating points of view... it was a feeling of mental chemistry and it was us impressing each other intellectually - it gave me those "i am so happy to be with you" moments and she expressed getting the same... half the times it would lead us to sit and start writing and drawing designs and diagrams together, the other half would lead to very passionate sex, i am still not sure which was better...
but when i had anything fresh coming to my mind, when i was making a new connection or coming up with a new thought, she wasn't capable of trusting me intellectually - trusting that this is what leads to the very sort of thoughts that she loved. she loved the bacon but she wouldn't participate in the slaughter.
and as far as i can remember this really was her one and only attempt to change anything about the way she prefers to do anything for me...
i can't stop thinking about one of our last conversations
"i could have treated you like gold''
"what would that have entailed?",
it took her off guard for a bit...
"well for starters i wouldn't have talked as much smack about you"
i thought ok, less verbal abuse... "what else?"
"well you know the sort of things that you do? massage me when i wake up and make me tea in the morning... "
"you mean learning what you like and how you like things and expressing that knowledge by doing them..."
"yes, i could have started doing that..."
"why didn't you? why is it 'could have', why didn't you treat me like gold then?"
"because there's a limit to what one can give without feeling that your getting it back"...
and now looking back, this was the underlining tone of our relationship: here she was, after she just defined "treating me like gold" as less verbal abuse and doing a little bit of what i do for her consistently, and yet... within the same conversation, with barely a pause in between, she goes on expressing seen herself and feeling that she was the one doing all the giving and not getting in return. not appreciating what i gave, yet defining what she could have given me as a little bit of what i gave her... she didn't see the paradox, and until now, neither did i.
only in falling out of love with her can i let go of the notion that she was such a giving person, because when i actually look at her actions... it's no there. whenever i told her about a way in which she could make me happy she would either have a lot of reasons to not do it - so as much as she idealized being the sort of person who would want to make me happy, making me happy was never a good enough reason to outdo any other reason - and at other times she'd just breakdown about how shitty i make her feel by "expressing that what she does ins't enough"...
but the thing is, i made myself happy in ways i didn't recognize, i stopped resenting doing things and not getting anything in return very early on -the moment i got the tribal thing, and i didn't get to resent her until i reached the point where i could rightfully expect that whatever it is that i do for her she'll take for granted with zero appreciation. between those, i was actually happy doing things when i thought they made her happy, and i have never before in my life felt that way... this wasn't the egoisical self-centered me i knew and loved, and i was actually excited about that.
but i became so focused on her and my son as agents for my happiness - making myself happy by doing good by them and making them happy, that i lost sight of myself, of what i needed, of taking care of myself - physically, intellectually, emotionally... i wanted too, but there was never enough time,... I became MY last priority, and i was blaming HER for that... god i can't believe i didn't see this. its almost like i temporary became a 2..