So far, my takeaway from this thread (and thanks for all the posts. It's really helped.) is that there are several scenarios in which an INFJ might doorslam someone.
- Temporary Doorslamming (aka hibernating). This comes from an INFJs need for space. Perhaps they feel a little invaded. This is understandable to a point, but this is often overused by INFJs who need to work on coming up with other behaviors to deal with these feelings. I think INFJs are blessed / burdened with cognitive processes that naturally conflict with each other (i.e., the desire to connect with others and the desire to reflect alone.) Temporary doorslamming seems to be a low hanging-fruit-kind-of-activity for INFJs who are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions. Maybe you ought to come up with a Plan B when you're feeling overwhelmed.
- Permanent doorslamming because the INFJ feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of the situation / friendship. Desire to bring down the intensity a few notches is understandable, but hardly reason to cut someone off. I don't think most INFJs who engage in #2 do this consciously. They feel like they have other reasons. But if the INFJ were to take a cold hard look at the facts, I think they might realize this is exactly what is going on.
I think of my dog who sometimes gets so overwhelmed with his happiness to see me that he sometimes runs under the bed and chews on a bone when I come home. He's happy to see me. I haven't done anything wrong, but at the same time the dog can't handle the intensity of it. I have no doubt that many INFJs feel like this is an absolutely necessary step sometimes for self-protection. But even if you feel like you must do this, just like in #1, you do have other options you could choose to pursue.
The INFJs desire to feel closure on such matters is not an excuse for behaving immorally. Cutting someone out of your life permanently just because you're a little overwhelmed by them, isn't fair to the other person unless you've given them several chances to tailor their approach. (And yeah, you perfectionist INFJs, it sometimes takes a few tries for your earnest and well-meaning friends to perfectly tailor their approach.) In other words, we're all a delicate mix of the cards we're dealt and the cards we choose to play. Play some different cards than the first hand you see.
- Cutting a friend out of one's life as a means of dodging a constructive confrontation that will be emotionally uncomfortable for the INFJ. I'll have to say that I find this pretty darn cowardly and immature. Only the most immature / out-of-balance INFJs I know engage in #3. (But I have seen it done.) As an ENFP, I know what it is to dread confrontation. But part of being an adult is doing what needs to be done even if it requires working through some unpleasant feelings. If I've screwed up, then the least my INFJ friends owe me is an explanation of my offense. I deserve a chance to set the record straight (if the INFJ has completely misinterpreted the situation); or correct my behavior (if I have indeed screwed up). Sometimes I'm just unaware of my transgression and need constructive feedback in order to make improvements. That's what constructive confrontations are all about. So in other words, suck it up, and confront your friend even though it might be unpleasant. (And this means BEFORE you've decided to cut them out. If you wait until after you've made this decision, then this is just venting on your part.)
- Distancing oneself from a person judged to be immoral or untrustworthy. This is certainly an excellent reason. But there is a catch here: INFJs can hold their loved ones to ridiculously high standards and then judge them harshly without remembering their friends are indeed fallible humans. Even good people screw up sometimes. And, screw up royally. Also, just because you think it's self-evident that they have violated whatever boundary you think has been violated, doesn't mean a) they have indeed truly violated that boundary and b) that the boundary you've set is reasonable to expect your friend to honor. I've seen pretty much every single INFJ I know (whether emotionally healthy or not) commit this sin. In other words, INFJ concludes the other person has behaved immorally. However, the INFJ needs to look outside themselvf and see if the facts really support that judgment. The INFJ needs to hold their judgment open long enough to process the entire situation through their intuition rather than taking such definitive action quickly.
I hope this helps INFJs (and their ENFJ cousins) better understand how your doorslamming activities affect the other person and might not be the best way to handle the matter at hand.
5
. Shutting down friendship due to extreme frustration with direction friendship has been heading for a very long time, and although the infj has tried for months or years to accomodate changing friendship and try to adjust, no flexing occurs on the part of the other person, so the infj is always the one flexing, and finally something happens to break the camel's back.
Recently suffered an extreme blow by my best friend over New Years plans. She bailed on us at the last minute and wasn't really sorry about it at all. I took it as extreme rejection, and combined with some of the other rejections I've sustained this year, it was just too much for me to bear. So my brain immediately shut down and shut her out. I told her on the phone about my perceived discrepency in our friendship, the frequency with which this happens with her, and the fact that I was irritated about getting bailed on at the last minute. I told her I understood that is just her nature (i really can't figure out her type). I also asked her not to call me and that I didn't know what I wanted to do with our friendship. We emailed a few times, but I felt like I had said my peace, so I felt basically okay with where I left it.
I have always been more loyal and THERE for my friends than they have been able to be there for me, so it's never really been easy for me, this unreciprocated intention. I just don't usually get to the point where I want to slam that door. But I guess with several of my friendships changing flavor, and life taking us all in a bit of a different direction, it's like I am way more sensitive to that than they are; they barely seem to notice the change in fact.
After about a week, one morning I was sitting by my fire and I noticed I missed my friend, so I texted her. She was working, but said maybe we could get together another day. Maybe so. I don't want to doorslam her as we've been friends for about 15 years! but I also have sustained some sort of fatal wound in our friendship where she is concerned, of which I don't fully understand. It's like I finally woke up out of some stupor and now she doesn't feel like she means quite as much to me. I know this sounds incredibly immature and fatalistic. The only idea of have to explain it, is it's like we've been going in different directions probably for a long time, and I just have been ignoring the signs probably. Now I snap back to reality and see just how much of a different plane we are each on, and I'm not sure there's a whole lot there to salvage or to keep her at the top of my list anymore. Why it has to be such a stark thing, and not just a subtle, "Okay, we'll just have lunch every month or so," thing, I really don't know.
It's been almost 2 weeks now, and I do miss her conversation a little, but I don't miss her too much. I have been feeling alone in this friendship quite a lot in the past while, so it's not hard to envision life without her in it.
I had a great afternoon with an infj neighbor today. Serious therapy session. She's older than me, and very wise. She encouraged me NOT to slam any doors. She thinks I'm just hurt and need to take some time for myself. I agree about the hurt, but I also am not sure that taking time will make much difference in this friendship or in another that feels like it's on its way out of my life. I did learn from her that I should probably understand that others are busy and they may not simply have the time for me that I have for them, and to be patient in that. Also that friendship is still friendship if you don't see that person very often. Sometimes I get caught up in feeling like someone doesn't care enough about our friendship if they don't make time for me (because quality time is one of my love languages), but perhaps a friendship is served good enough by just having lunch once a month, instead of getting together once a week.
I think at this point, I need to revamp the way I do friendship. I give all of myself, but that's not really working, for me or for my friends. I'm not sure how these two friendships (another one is ironically coming to an end too) are going to fall out for me/us, but I feel like I need to change my perspective to understand friendship in some different way than I've currently done it.
I'm really into growing and learning from difficulties. I struggle with my stuff just like the rest of us. If the doorslam is a sign of immaturity, so be it, I suppose. I think it's also about conserving energy and moving forward as well. If I shut down a stagnant friendship, it creates space for a new one. If it hurts others, that is sad, but it is probably a fraction of the hurt an infj can sustain from others over the years, especially those lacking in Fe.