more importantly:
isnt the reason that its demoralizing because reconsidering the other side's point of view puts you in a position of self-doubt and can potentially make you feel bad and force you to be critical of yourself and your own choices?
and given that as [MENTION=9602]YWIR[/MENTION] explained better then me), embracing the act of doorslamming as a potential solution is putting your loved ones on eggshells in a position which is demoralizing, draining and exhausting - whether you doorslammed them already or not - shouldn't the golden rule play a role here? seems to me your complaining about having to share the position your putting your peers in.
Not necessarily. As I think [MENTION=4806]violaine[/MENTION] said, I don't make anyone walk on eggshells and I think the only time I have been accused of it is by an emotional vampire who I had to shut out for self-preservation.
It can be demoralizing to go over the same thing over and over again, to feel constantly sucked dry, to be accused of things you genuinely haven't done, to hear the person tell you how special you are and then watch them go off again with the friends who they run down when speaking with you...etc. It is also notable when you undergo these sorts of experiences with a tiny number of people in your life - ie. constant conflict - and with everyone else you undergo nothing even remotely close to this.
See, I just feel that you are assuming here that INFJs always doorslam people whose claims on them are legitimate and whose behaviour to them is proper. This tends NOT to be the case. What if someone is making totally unreasonable demands and treating you in a totally unacceptable way?
I've been dealing with someone who either has borderline personality disorder or who certainly meets a lot of the criteria. There is broad agreement among mutual friends who know her that she is at best an extremely slow developer, and at worst mentally ill. If I were to meet her demands, she would be a) constantly physically clinging to me, b) following me wherever I go, c) taking out every inch of her frustration and unhappiness on me, d) expecting me to be always available at a moment's notice for free therapy, e) expecting me to place her above all of my friends...etc.
There is a wide consensus among those who know both of us that I have already flexed too far with her (if anything) and am well within my rights to back off. I have done this to a certain extent and am currently meditating what to do beyond this. It is a complex situation and I may need to shut her out entirely to let her know that the "friendship" cannot continue. I have tried so hard with this girl and very little has worked. The best thing I have done for her is push her to seek professional help.
If she had her way I would flex for her indefinitely. She will always come back and tell me that she didn't mean to hurt or drain me, but it happened because of xyz. This has happened repeatedly for two years. So, do I keep listening to her indefinitely, or do I start to spend more time looking after myself?
I really don't get why you seem to assume that ALL doorslams are because INFJs somehow "don't want to hear the truth about themselves" (ie. your take on why it could be demoralizing.) Do you really think there are no occasions where the INFJ has analyzed themselves, the other person and the situation in-depth, and has realised that the other person is treating them badly and it can't go on?