Here's
me telling Victor off, which should give you an idea. And just for kicks, here's
part 2.
Yep, this would be the main other one for me. It's usually though in an effort to preserve the relationship. Very seldom will an INFJ bother to tell you something negative about yourself unless you are such a part of their inner circle and it is worth risking it for the greater good. They hold the people close to them to much higher standards than their acquaintances or casual friends, which may anger or confuse the people they love. They hate the feeling of "telling the truth because you need to hear it", but somewhat like throwing up when you have a sick stomach, it is so much better afterwards! In most cases, INFJs believe they have given a lot of more subtle clues so that you could have picked up the message in a less uncomfortable way and they were blatantly ignored. They also have likely put up with a lot, believing that it would even out eventually, except that the other person doesn't understand the sacrifices they were making or doesn't even the score to make things fair.
Nice synopsis!
Yeah it took me awhile to realize that. One thing though - INFJs are very seldom sitting there brooding over things for that whole year. They make valiant attempts to dismiss what happened as their own problem, not the other person's. They really think they have dealt with it. And then suddenly when they are least expecting it, something else happens and everything comes out all at once. It's quite embarrassing and unpleasant to them and they feel awful afterwards, but I can see how it's difficult to deal with. Even at the best of times, you'll rarely get an INFJ telling you they are mad until they've had time to analyze why on their own. By then, it seems like nitpicking to bring it up unless its really big. And then if it is really big it's awhile more before they've figured out how to because as you say, they assume it will make everyone feel as rotten as they would feel if told the same thing.
Full Disclosure: I am an ENxP that’s a teeny bit more F than T. This post is based on my experience with my INFJ friends and study of the MBTI. However, I’ve never run this theory by an INFJ, so I’d appreciate input from INFJs reading this post.
My answer to the question at hand is “it depends.”
I've come to understand INFJ anger as a two-part process. First, the INFJ gets angry on the inside. Second, they go through a decision making process about how to best handle that anger. What an angry INFJ says to you (or does not say) is almost never done without careful consideration. Thus, the outward expression of their anger will be very deliberate and reflect the INFJ's goals.
Part One: The INFJ Gets Angry on the Inside
Like all Js, INFJs relish organization and decisiveness. More than any other type I've encountered, INFJs focus their organizational abilities in the arena of their internal constructs. Their homes may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through their feelings about the matter at hand) are drawn quickly and are pretty darn fixed.
I've noticed that what REALLLLLY ticks off an INFJ is when they observe a violation of their intense vision of how things "should be" or "ought to be." (Voilà! Ni with Fe.) This means that anger with an INFJ is almost always tied to righting a perceived wrong. It also means that INFJs always have a motive when communicating anger. Once you know their motive, you can pretty accurately predict their response.
Step Two: The INFJ Gets Angry on the Outside
An INFJ who experiences anger on the inside next does what INFJs do: They carefully weigh the consequences of expressing their feelings BEFORE they act. (Voilà! Fe) The array of INFJ angry responses might include the following:
- Trying to Let It Go – INFJs value highly social norms and try to create a smooth and cooperative vibe with those whom they interact. Given this, it may seem reasonable to the INFJ, to try to let it go.
- Bottling Up the Anger (a.k.a. Filing It Away for Future Use) – My experience has been that #1 is a pipe dream for many INFJs. An unhealthy or young INFJ may desire to “let it go” on one level only in the sense that they can’t bear the idea of the confrontation. They have no desire to truly forgive the offender or re-examine their reasoning about whether or not there was truly an offense. This unresolved paradox leads to all sorts of INFJ passive-aggressive antics. Eventually, the unexpressed anger results in the INFJ either shutting the offender out, or resorting to responses #3 and/or #4.
- The Silent Treatment – Quietly nursing curmudgeonly feelings for the offender and communicating those feelings by deliberately not communicating is a really common INFJ response to anger (at least in my experience).
<As a side note, this is one of the reasons ENTPs are so good with INFJs. My strong Ti (I’m only barely F) completely undercuts INFJ over-emotionalism. For example, one of my INFJ friends was giving me the silent treatment at a party. My response was to walk over, give him a big grin, and then say, “You completely crack me up. Are you done snubbing me? ‘Cause I was thinking you might feel better if you told me to f-off. Then we can move past it and be friends again.” He was floored, but after reflecting for 30 seconds, he returned the grin before saying, “Yeah, you’re right. I need to work on letting things go.” (Ha! That was one of the longest 30 seconds of my life, btw.)>
- The Sarcastic Response – Ohhh a cocky/arrogant INFJ is not a pretty sight to see. My experience has been that sometimes INFJs are overly confident as a way to compensate for feeling overly insecure. If an INFJ is coming from this place of weakness/overconfidence, then sarcasm is often employed. Sarcasm is about overt irony intentionally used by the speaker as in the form of implicit criticism. It can be a form of verbal aggression. In an unhealthy INFJ, bitingly sarcastic remarks become a mainstay of verbal communication.
- The “I’m going to tell you the truth because you need to hear it” Response – As an ENFP, I know this one well… and have been known to employ it myself. This is the response that can be so hurtful. And the truer it is, the more hurtful hearing it will be. The INFJ’s motive is usually to provide constructive criticism. But in less self-actualized INFJ’s it can be just plain out vindictive and petty.
I've been wondering about this whole INFJ anger/door slam thing.
I can see why Victor would set Peguy off like that, and wonder what the limit is on annoyance that would trigger this.
I've dealt with a supposed INFJ, and the behavior seemed to fit these descriptions, but then there were a lot of things that just weren't right.
•Start off offering just criticisms of posts; constructive ones, granted, but nevertheless, that's all they ever say to you (establish no sort of relationship, so it's like this person is popping out of nowhere in an unfriendly manner), and you even try to heed their advice, but the real issue is they don't like your ideas. They make some remark about "ignoring" you, but continue commenting.
•Eventually, they begin getting nasty, using
credentials and status (theirs and your lack thereof). The biggest complaint being you are not "serious" about the subject like they are. Mind you; it's an informal discussion group.
•Then then at one point initiate what seems like a friendly discussion, and when you take them up on it, but unwittingly say something they for some reason don't like, then they suddenly lash out with #5. Their reasoning is the "repeated offenses" from before, and "missed cues", and they acknowledge "stepping back and examining their own stuff", but there is
never any sign of remorse, or that they might be wrong. It's all YOU, YOU, YOU, boldly and unequivocally!
They also claim to be "feeling for the group", and appeal to others and
DARE you to find anyone in your support, though the others do not say much.
•They see they've upset you, and now start trying to "help" (FIX) you, and you try to move forward. But then after some time has passed, they recount to someone else about the affair, (as an "example" of the INFJ's anger, yet!), in a manner that sounds like bragging about beating you.
•When they did #5 on you, they harshly criticized your social skills (which is what supposedly set them off in the first place), but then you see them (present and past) having the same and even worse social skills. They neglect the definitive Fe niceties such as saying "hi" to people, even on their very first post, and intimidate them, with not only with the way they treated you, but also pouncing on others even from a more "helpful" premise. Others take serious offense to their apparently hawking their business, or trying to come off as an expert. —(which is exactly what the person accused you of!)
So in other words, they're telling you "the truth" about yourself, but then it was even more true for them. So why should you be humiliated like that by someone who's even more guilty of the supposed "offenses"?
•Time passes, and they suddenly take offense again to something you say, and now begin with the #4 treatment, and it escalates again, but this time you react more strongly.
They now go into defensive mode and claim to be "attacked", "bullied" and "intimidated", and that you broke a "truce" (the earlier claim to want to move on), which now becomes their excuse to do the "door slam".
So now, they give you #3,
but continue to do #4--but
to others —they take shots at you when talking with others, while ignoring you. Even long after the discussions have moved on, they continue this.
Now note; it's the
reverse of above: #5 comes first, then 4, then 3!
•You react, and they continue to complain of being attacked, and then storm off for good, "apologizing" to everyone only for
your behavior; not theirs, directly, and then writing a nasty long e-mail calling you names, accusing you of destroying their "recreation" (what a reversal from not being "serious" enough!), saying they'll delete any responses unread and even threatening "legal action" when you try to resolve the thing after a long cooling off period.
Is
this within the range of INFJ behavior? I have seen where INFJ's with Ni as overdominating are described as basically overriding their Fe and "steamrolling" others with their "visions", but I'm thinking this person is ENTJ, now, especially because of the whole status/business mindset, the use of Fe only to castigate the other person, while not manifesting its good aspects, and the drive to WIN and get the last word by any means (angry NT behavior; esp. ENT). Even if an "unhealthy INFJ", I would think the Fe in non-stressed mode would have been more typical.
Also, it became clear that it was a whole
turf war. They felt their turf was being invaded and someone was trying to upseat their [unofficial] position (when that was not the case at all), and again, it was all about business.
From what I have seen in discussions like this, I imagine you would really have to be the one
approaching the INFJ and annoying them for them to react like that; especially being both "introverted" and "cooperative". They don't
go after people, and make a group [that they're only marginally involved in, yet] their "
turf" do they? And would the kind of "offenses" that set them off be issues of "seriousness"; and have an otherwise "business" orientation?
And the "door slam" wouldn't involve them poking at the "offender" (using others), right?
I ask, because for one thing, it ties into discussions like the whole Hitler analysis, where most think he's NFJ, but to me, it seems like very shadowy Fe, and thus TJ. Of course, some could argue the Te/Fi were what were shadowy (Fi is described as the one to "cut off" relationships for good when values are violated too much, and in the "witch" position, it would figure), but those did not look nearly as destructive as the Fe.
So is the "door slam" specifically INFJ, or NFJ in general? Or could it be more of just an NJ thing? I imagine the F is what leads to a tendency to "retreat", while T might be more likely to stick around and fight. But then, if they feel it's "a waste of their time", then they would try to throw the last punch and get away. Still, I would imagine the common tendency is to be through with you.
My wife is SFJ, and they don't do the door slam. You'd have to do something REALLY horrible to push them that far, from what I see. Because they're informing rather than directive, they seem to be more willing to forgive and try to work it out, civilly. (And it's ironic that many INTP's complain about SFJ's, but tend to like NFJ's. I guess they need a fellow N more than they need someone more accepting and forgiving).
I am all too familiar with ISTJ's, and they have tertiary Fi, and will cut off relationships that have been violated too much as well.