This is a difficult topic for me, I've been thinking about it for a while now. There are a number of things that I've experienced that I cannot forgive. (I'm not talking about the less severe end of things, such as a friend who hurts your feelings, but more along the lines of crimes that tend to have lengthy jail sentences attached to them)
I think that idea of forgiveness being more for the one doing the forgiving than for the one who committed it is to free one from carrying resentment, rage, all the baggage that goes with not forgiving. That stuff can poison the one who carries it. In that sense then the person "has" you for life, not just one single act.
That's something to aim for, sure, and something I'm working on but IMO getting in touch with the rage/outrage is a necessary step for healing. Not to have your life consumed by it, but more as part of the grieving/healing process and moving on from it.
However, that process is not how I define forgiveness.
But this idea of deciding who and what gets forgiven is foreign to me. If I am not the one hurt I don't know how I can decide what's forgivable and what isn't.
It feels like playing God to me. It's really a personal matter.
Yes. I feel angry when someone implies that I should forgive those who committed those criminal acts against me. It's MY choice whether I choose to forgive or not, and on MY timetable, not theirs.
And to those that couldn't understand forgiveness, To forgive is not to condone. It's a form of understanding, acceptance, breadth of mind.
Yeah, I see it as saying "I'm not going to allow what you did to affect me anymore, I'm shedding it."
Again, that's not my definition of forgiveness. My personal definition of forgiveness is that it can only be experienced if the person who committed the wrong to be fully accountable for what they did (even if it was done while mentally ill or intoxicated) and to face up to what they did and be remorseful, and to make amends as best they can, and work hard at changing so that the wrong will never be committed again.
My partner and I fully live this process in our lives. We have emotionally hurt each other quite badly in the past and this process has allowed us to truly forgive the other for past actions. However, if we hadn't done this at a deep level, I suspect forgiveness would not have been possible and it's likely we would not have stayed together.
I don't think this process would work for me, though, in terms of forgiving the criminal acts against me (some of which occurred when I was very young). I have left the door open for one of the perpetrators to follow this process but I know it is highly unlikely they will ever do this (I no longer have anything to do with this person, but any future contact is contingent on them taking full responsibility for what they did). Two of the others are long dead (cancer and heart attack) and the other is someone who I do not want in my life at all, ever.
For something relatively minor such as a friend inadvertently hurting your feelings, this process is not necessarily essential - I think it is possible to work through the hurt by yourself and choose how you will deal with that, such as continuing the friendship but reducing the trust and openness you put into that friendship for a while then reassessing.
I agree that feeling truth is more important than feeling forgiveness. If one has not come to true forgiveness than it is better to be inwardly honest than to force something that the time is not right for. Forgiveness cannot be forced. Truth is more important.
Hurt is often so damaging not because we carry it around, but because we carry it around and don't process it and only feel the tip of the thorn, the rest inside and festering. It is more important I think to examine the why, how much, how deep what caused it of hurt than forcing forgiveness just for the sake of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be a end result of the process of tracing down hurt and seeing it as it truly is or it may not.
There is something akin to a type of soul murder to forgive when the time is not ripe and forgiveness is not warranted.
These two posts are how I see forgiveness as well.