Is there anything that chemically happens to the mind during the "warm apple pie" sensation? Does it enhance my intelligence or does it dumb me down? How will it transform me as a person? Please, I like to know what I'm getting into. I'm too afraid to go through with it.
Tell me about this easy way. It sounds impossible for me. It seems even easy for the introverts to get it. Why is it hard for me?
How do I know if I'll be good at it? I hate being incompetent.
And what does an orgasm feel like? Most of the time after I've gotten a hard-on, I just get really tired. Is there something else that's supposed to happen? And is the sensation more physical or more abstract?
The pie thing was a joke. How do you describe a physical sensation? The counterpart piece of the female body is rather more... custom designed for your purposes than your hand.
Orgasm is basically a process of your nervous system getting intensively stimulated, leading to a state of excitation followed by a release of tension, and usually a state of relaxation, hence the sleepiness. (If you've never had an orgasm, that's something you can take care of on your own before you venture into the doubles version of the sport.)
I don't know about making you smarter, but there is some evidence that sex helps your nervous system regenerate itself; it may well reduce your risk of Alzheimer's, among other things. In terms of neurochemistry, your body is hardwired through millions of years of evolution to reward you for your efforts.
I have the same advice I had for you on your other thread--it's only going to happen for you if and when you actively
create opportunities for it to happen. This involves doing things that may not be comfortable at first, but, again,
get out of your room.
No older women, please. That's disgusting.
I want to find a theoretical way to do this so I can be good at it the first time.
Think about this a little--how many times have you been "good at" something the first time you tried it? Sex especially depends on your ability to read a situation and understand your partner's responses. A lot of that knowledge can only be gained through experience. As far as the basics, I don't know, maybe pick up an anatomy textbook so you're familiar with the relevant mechanics and geography, but a lot of it is going to be your perseverence in the face of your anxieties.
You've got a couple options as far as dealing with your "competence" issues. If you're honest with a partner about being inexperienced, odds are she isn't going to judge you or "punish" you for it--keep in mind she has every reason to help you figure out how to make her happy. It's really not a contest, so I wouldn't worry so much about your initial skill level. Read up, know what you're trying to do, but most of all just pay attention to your partner.
Alternatively, you could take the Christian route and attempt to minimize the anxiety of a new experience by making sure that you're both equally ignorant when the time comes to consummate your relationship, and hoping that this will make things less awkward. (It will also help with your philosophical issue, since the purpose of Christian sex is explicitly specified: you're doing to it to create future generations of ignorant children.) As an added bonus, going to church will show you just how much certain people will respect you and stroke your ego for the "accomplishment" of remaining inexperienced. Christians basically view infancy--a state of near-total ignorance and dependence--as the ideal form of existence, and they will give you heaps of encouragement and support in your effort to avoid learning about your own mind and body.