miss fortune
not to be trusted
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- Oct 4, 2007
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all fine and good when it's your thread
all fine and good when it's your thread
Is that how you did it? Little by little? I often feel like there's something inside of me trying to "get out" know what I mean? It's starting. As a recovering anorexic (not sure why I feel so safe sharing so openly here...I guess it's easier online), I'm good at accommodating everyone other than me! For now, it's mostly external...finding my voice through veganism, music I listen to, clothes, etc. Every time I try to stand up to hubby though, I crumble and end up crying! (He's the only person I've tried to stand up to pretty much. The only time it's ok for me to stand up for myself is if it's amoral or ethical thing that I feel is bigger than me...and even then I hesitate!) He's a great guy...I just have a hard time saying or doing anything that will rock the boat with anyone!! It's tough breaking free! Very scary! What if someone doesn't like the real me, that sort of thing. I'm sorry you've been there...but happy to know you've come out the other side whole and ok! (I hope truly free and happy and blissful!) Thanks!
Well, it was a "fake it 'til you make it" thing.
and it's always harder to ask for help when you've always been people's calm- the one they turn to in times of trouble- there's almost something unfair about that, but it's true. It's almost like admitting that you can't fill that role anymore because of a weakness or something
don't know if it's the same rationality for you though
all fine and good when it's your thread
*sigh* true... I'm always the one who keeps things going, the perfect hostess, the friend people go to to calm them down and fix things... the knowlege that I can't fix this and it's a real struggle to help others at times can be extremely frustrating (I do beleive that a few walls got punched early on for that reason )
it's almost like you're expected to always bounce back and be there... that's what makes any vulnerability extra hard to face... when depressed I can't even make eye contact with a mirror...
I was merely pointing out that it had nothing to do with the topic... which falls under a certain definition, I beleive
Same here. I was invulnerable on the outside so the inner-self didn't have a chance to develop that same resilience. When I was emotionally vulnerable I was unprepared and the blow was very painful. Then I never wanted to feel that pain again and I became dependent on my invulnerability.
The root feeling of violation is so deplorable and disgusting that I didn't realize that by avoiding it so vehemently I had allowed it to define me. I had to realize I deserved a whole lot better than that. By taking the pain of reopening old wounds, my inner-self eventually became strong enough to stand on its own without the facade.
yeah, here it's just unsettling because I know that it's something that I can try to control, but I'll never have complete control over... that just gives an unpleasant sense of uncertain vulnerability... like I can't be sure that I can fully develop a strength against it...
The surprisingness of something striking you where you're NOT prepared against it is just kind of shaking... and I'm still not fully sure how you deal with that
This is an issue that I've had some serious problems with over the years- I've always had an image as a light hearted, fun and positive person who will help you out if you're in trouble. It came naturally when I was younger (before I hit 23 or so) but then I hit a rough patch... and kept on acting the same
I KNOW that I have some serious issues that probably need to be made public and that my compulsion to just hide that and keep things running smoothly don't help things, but I just can't break myself from keeping up the facade.
I know that there will be responses of "it's better off just to be honest with people" but that won't work all so well really- I don't WANT anyone's pity and I don't want to be looked at as different, which are bound to be the results of absolute honesty. There's few things worse than pity, which is why, for the most part, I've been silent about these things to the board as well. And despite all of that, I still feel a need to be friendly and pleasant... it's like it's an ingrained part of my personality just as much as the bad part
I feel really hesitant about posting this even... thankfully I'm posting in the same forum as a more popular thread
I don't think I have much of a facade, to a flaw, as in... it's hard for me to put on a face, or a show when it disagrees with how I truly feel.
My inner self is my self.