Toonia, much of that OP could easily describe me... but of course there's a dangerously fine line between "non-controlling" and "passive". I have a real hard time judging sometimes when it's actually right to be passive and when it's not.
However, I think the difference between legitimate assertiveness and actually being a control freak, would be in the motivation and inspiration for the controlling act.
What I mean is that if you are trying to alter the course somebody takes, because you personally don't like or approve of where they're currently headed, to my mind that's controlling and toxic. But if you're helping to steer somebody
at their request towards a goal they've stated a desire to reach, then you're helping them.
Sometimes the latter requires assertiveness. Both for your own rights/dues and their goals, to be achieved/obtained. For example, if a person loves you and wants to help make you happy, then part of that entails being told when you're not. A loved one might
desire to change themselves, if they were to know that their current behaviour hurts you. It may be behaviour that they themselves don't like, but as yet have insufficient inspiration or motivation to curb, and the knowledge that it's hurting someone they love may give them that inspiration they need to move another notch towards being who they want to be.
Also, you could think about the type of change that you're attempting to affect. Is it a change of their entire personality (bad!)? Or is it a natural evolution/step of
growth for who they already are?
That's the best I can give you at 9.30 in the morning... when I really should be getting ready to hit the office!
But I sympathize very much with your problem Toonia, for me it's the hardest part of all about being a parent... when to put a hand to the rudder of my children's lives and when to let them steer it themselves! I think perhaps the key would be to check whether they
are steering, or just drifting... maybe that's when they need another hand... perhaps if the waters are bit too um, turbulent their hands might not be 'firm' enough... gach... me and my analogies!!