Thanks [MENTION=18576]Sanjuro[/MENTION] for the questionnaire
Thanks especially if you have time to analyse this too
Disclaimer: How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.
I'm going to write this in one go, as usual. No illnesses etc but my life isn't going that well right now. Ah well about illnesses, about a year ago, I managed to get out of something on my own that could've become a mental illness if I had let it happen.
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I'm pretty sure I'm an Id type. I see 8 but I see 7 as well, or maybe I just don't understand type 7 well enough
3 is also an Id type but I don't see myself in being motivated by external validation/image.
I would also like to decide tritype.
My instinctual variant stacking is pretty much So-last, IMO. Sx/Sp I think.
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
(Earlier question was asking about what it is like staring at the wall at home, I'm copypasting that answer, most of it is definitely relevant)
Staring at the walls, if that's to be taken literally, then I have an empty mind, no emotions either. It's actually a pretty good state for me, just staring at the wall thinking of nothing. My way of meditation really.
This is my default state too, calm state, no emotions, no nothing, not thinking of much, perhaps some fleeting thoughts here and there. Like some fleeting clouds on the sky. A bit of feeling of readiness.
(I want to mention that I'm pretty much like this as well when I'm focused on doing something, just probably much less of any fleeting thoughts. Thinking if required for the task is well integrated with this "doing", that is, the thinking doesn't feel like a separate mental state. It's best described as thinking on the move, reacting to whatever.
Well of course if the task is something heavily intellectual, then I do actual mental thinking more continuously, still with a strong focus and emotionally even more detached. But that now is no longer my baseline stuff so nevermind)
2. Describe yourself--
Not something I am good at
a. What's it like to be you?
Well alright... I can describe what it feels like. It's good
. Feeling confident. Being one with the world everywhere. On the move or waiting to react. Feeling alive wanting and getting/doing shit
Also when I get angry about whatever
Interacting with whoever comes my way just for the sake of interaction, I feel it's all fun
Then sometimes contemplative, fascinated by watching my own mental world.
b. What have others said about you?
Just the main stuff
Smart
Adept at life/getting stuff
Got energy
Strong willed, willful, strong mentally
Enthusiastic
Autonomous = basically going by my own goddamn head, not controlled by others
Got a bad temper
& too argumentative / aggressive
Impatient
Stubborn as fuck
Analysing shit too deep
Needy / Demanding
Self-centered / entitled
Irresponsible (to a degree).. quite reliable sometimes though
Helpful
Nice / kind <--> Antisocial
Not open ("wall" blocking others out)
c. What do you think of yourself?
Eh I guess the above list works.
I do agree with the items in it. And whatever else I said about what it feels like to be me
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
Anger issues -> didn't manage to deal with it, I'm like this, unlikeable or not
Issues with relationships -> Not really close to anyone. That doesn't match my er, ideal, so once I wanted to deal with it, I guess didn't work out so I dunno how to *shrug*
Social issues -> part of that's outside my control nevermind that, the other part is just me not having enough focus on groups, being also antisocial somewhat (I used to be really antisocial as a kid, that changed a lot when I got interested in social groups), I guess either people accept me this way or not
Procrastination, crazy life style -> Trying to be better at this
Self-indulgent life style without restrictions on its own is quite okay to me
, I do have to catch up on some responsibilities however. I'm managing thank-you
4. You're not good at everything--
Oooh really...
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
Well... Being permanently nice and adapting to everyone, in the process giving up my own will, my own needs and thoughts and suppressing emotions (well I mean anger really). Also, being controlled by whatever rules/authority/people. Oh and giving up, just in general, not me.
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Oh... a bit more diplomacy even when I don't feel like it? It could be useful really.
Well I can do it if I need to get something that way, but even that's hard and only doable temporarily
More social ability without getting confrontational?
And whatever issues I mentioned above
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
First, I didn't leave friends.
Well, I did talk to some guy regularly (online, offline) and one day he told me he was trying to manipulate me emotionally or something, I blocked him right away (on messenger) and I really don't do that by default to anyone. Few years later we did talk a bit again, but meh, I guess life moved on a lot for both of us
. So how relevant this is, ok, he was sort of a friend, I could say...um, random guy friend. Not the same as a female friend really
(I'm female if that wasn't yet obvious)
There was a female friend who I didn't specifically leave, I just didn't bother to keep in contact for a while after I felt she got demanding in a way that it was almost like taking advantage of me. No I don't hate or resent her for that, there was a lot more to her really, just the relationship seemed to "degrade" into that over time (long story). Perhaps it can be renewed.
Friends (either guys or girls
) didn't leave me until last year, when paradoxically after I decided I should pay more attention to friendships, I had two break soon and one of them was my most important one. I didn't get any real reasoning for first one, just BS. Second one, she said she lost trust in me and she was actually quite good at planting blame on me but clearly if anyone had to be blamed then it was her fault just as much as mine just fine. Btw nope, I didn't do anything that deserved this. Quite the opposite actually - I just didn't manage to sort out something for her that I promised I would try and she got upset over that. Completely unrealistic way of thinking she had there.
Well the other part of this question... I did leave romantic relationships, actually all of the more serious relationships I was in, I was the one to break it up. The "why", eh, I wasn't feeling the love, the intimacy. I simply didn't get the devotion I wanted. Though when I decided to split up, my partners usually wanted to cling on to me. Pain in the...
6. Which types do you identify with most?
7, 8
a. How do you relate to these types?
7: Enthusiasm, Some optimism, freedom, strong willed to get what I need
(in the 7 way or not?), quick thinker, like variety, I do like some planning (and executing the plans), distractions from issues, addictive personality
Oh and I don't want a dull existence
8: Anger
, Autonomy, realism, strong willed, competitive, like intensity, I do try to deal with those issues sooner or later
I don't want to be submissive or give up on anything.
I think both have: Self-indulgence (addictive personality too?), pragmatism and yeah both are Id types...
Oh and I can't decide between gluttony and lust. Oh, it would be useful if I could. Need to understand them more. :/
I'll also copypaste this comparison between 7 and 8:
"Seek intensity vs Seek variety" - I seek both. I haven't thought about the exact priority, can anyone ask me specific questions to help me determine?
"Want control vs Want freedom" - I want both. I haven't thought about the exact priority, can anyone ask me specific questions to help me determine?
"Physical energy vs Nervous energy" - If physical energy is when I do physical things, anything involving doing/moving, and if nervous energy means being able to solve mental tasks and being inspired by mental activity then I again can say I'm both, I can have high energy levels for both. Though I would say physical energy was first, I developed my mind more later in life if that makes sense... though I did have mental activities as a kid too, just less easily inspired or how to put that.
"Hard-working vs Playful" - Both! Fun can come from the hard working too.
"Focused vs Scattered" - The first word pair where it's easier to choose. I'll say first, I hate being scattered, I don't feel good that way. I like focus. With certain specific tasks (simple physical stuff), I can sometimes try multitasking as a fun challenge and that's still a focused way of doing the job. If I'm browsing online, I hate having too many open tabs so I don't. Also, I don't have too many interests being active in the same time period because I focus into one of them deep and the rest just isn't interesting. However, I will change to a new interest later, after a long-ish time period, after having done a lot with previous interest. This switching happens unconsciously, I notice after the fact.
"Conscientious vs Irresponsible" - I am both. I take some things in life really seriously so I'm conscientious with those and I enjoy self-discipline in working for goals, OTOH I can have a problem with self-discipline in living life in general and I'm not really strongly morally principled so I'm irresponsible too..
"Realist vs Optimist" - Both I don't believe BS rose coloured glasses stuff, I'm simply incapable of doing that and disinterested in viewing things in that light and I notice the negative in situations easily, glass was always half empty for me :/ compelling me to refill the glass, of course . But I'm optimistic in terms of not thinking of failure, so when I go refill the glass, I don't stop to think "what if I can't" and I'm trusting in future in general and I like to encourage and inspire others.
"Gain power vs Have fun" - Gain what kind of power exactly, that's vague to me. Power to me in general primarily means having resources for control. But I'll use a concrete example, in sport I want to be more powerful&strong, my concept of having fun in a sport really only comes from that or directly from competition. I don't play sports just to "have fun" in a light way. So, is that a good example? Otoh, I don't work hard to gain social powers as I'm not really part of society that much :/ so I'm just having fun with my life in that sense. Still, I have gained some material powers and am proud of that.
"Authoritarian vs Egalitarian" - I like the egalitarian view in theory. I'm not sure about how I go about it in practice. The only thing that comes to mind now, I can be pretty authoritarian in telling my opinion and get surprised if others take it the bad way.
"Vengeful vs Tolerant" - I can be both. Obviously not at the same time I can take a lot of shit if I decide to, from friends; of course I don't let anyone take advantage of me - friend or not - but I am otherwise really tolerant with their issues. As for being explicitly vengeful, it's usually immediate small things on the spot, I have never sat brooding and concocting a great plan to take real crazy revenge on someone. I guess I didn't need to either. But this is why I don't think of myself as that vengeful. But then it might be because of my black and white thinking about these concepts so I don't notice the "small things" I mentioned (only after much conscious attention).
b. How do you NOT relate to them?
7: not scattered, not heavily future focused, I don't do idealization of situation at all...
8: not sure what this "physical presence" thing means... is this meant socially? Then no.
OK, for the rest see as above.
7. Which types are least like you?
1, 6, 9
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
1: Omg that rigid morality, no. ;p Also, I absolutely don't identify with the idea of suppressing my own impulses.
6: Don't need support to be confident/autonomous. Don't have or need paranoia
9: Not conflict avoidant. I don't merge with others easily.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
What do you mean by "points"? If you meant other types:
2: I like to help (However, I really don't put other people's needs in front of mine.)
3: I'm seen as successful (I however don't care about externally originated motivation.)
4: I like special/unique stuff (I'm however not adept at building an identity by my emotionality.)
5: I like concepts inside my mind (I don't however relate to feeling secure by withdrawing into my own mind.)
If you meant the types I don't relate to:
1: Sometimes I'm a bit idealistic and I like some perfection in work though not to such an extreme degree... just as long as it doesn't get in the way too much
6: I can be questioning about theories
9: I can be lazy and asleep a lot lol... I can tune out easily when nothing's going on, I think that's 9'ish too? Maybe not? Sometimes I am seen as mediator when people start a fight with each other.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
What do you mean about this hidden love need?
(If anyone got links/resources on that enneagram wise, I'm interested though)
As for my conscious attitude, I think it's really easiest to just not deal with this topic in my life. If I were to deal with it, well I know I require a kind of devotion and intensity, but otherwise in general, I relate to the inability to connect, as described on some enneagram sites. I'm not saying that's good at all, really doesn't match an "ideal" of mine.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
Consider a time when you felt poorly about yourself--this means your ego (i.e. YOU) is receiving negative feedback from your superego. Write a conversation between the two of them--what is your superego telling you about how to be? (Note: this obviously is very personal and may be better done privately. Report your findings).
(Somewhat edited version of my reply from previous questionnaire)
I don't have a constantly active super-ego telling me "should". Quite honestly my superego is pretty weak hah.
Sometimes yes, I think to myself: ok, I should get up and do this task, should do that task before deadline (...I brush this aside very easily).
Less often I get the following:
Should be more polite to people, talk to people more in a social way, say "hi" to everyone and don't be argumentative.
Should open up and talk about issues to friends. Should be loving (...can't do it, block).
Should detach from wanting things so much (no!).
Should take responsibility for what I've done (bad things). Well ok I don't really get this message actually
Only once when I was in a really crazy state, not myself.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
I... don't really have an ideal in this sense?
Well at least no reason to be hard on myself lol
Except for what I said about procrastination, I can be a bit hard on myself for that.
It would also be nice to be more likeable but I guess I can't do anything about that. I do get a bit affected if I'm told things related to this, though. "Violated" isn't a bad word for that.
I've also been a bit hard on myself about friendship issues. When I got blamed (as mentioned earlier), I was hard on myself for not trying harder to provide support for her. (But then I realised that I'd actually been unaware of her actual needs because she didn't let me know and I am not a mind reader.)
Which of the following ideals resonate with you the most, and why? Rank them.
I think this makes most sense but I can't say it's a real ideal because I don't have an image of it and I don't strive for it that terribly much:
- to be a lovable person & to be loving... "benevolent" sounds good too but is maybe asking for too much (I mean, in the sense of consciously trying to be that, noo)
I like the idea of this too but quite honestly I'm really not doing much about it except when taking care of my looks (= trying to be unique then):
- to be sensitive, original, unique, and creative
I don't have a problem with these so why call them ideals:
- to be knowledgeable
- to be accomplished and successful
- to be powerful, strong, unassailable.
I don't really care about this at all:
- to be devoted and loyal to a cause
- to strive to become/behave like a good person
This only with certain prerequisites:
- to be devoted and loyal to a person (not a cause)
I don't understand what this one means:
- to be "okay", having it together ????
11. Determine your "felt sense" of life. To do this it may help to look at how you perceive events. Another way to do this is to look back at your childhood and think of all the things your parents did to you. How did you/do you feel about these events?
(Somewhat edited version of my reply from previous questionnaire)
Deprived or Abandoned (not sure which): when I was a small kid (3-10 years old), by my mother for periods (she was away traveling). I felt it almost physically. My father not showing interest or not in a way I could notice. I felt disappointed about that and then later I felt antagonism. After I got older, no feeling of being deprived/abandoned.
Wronged: by my father, beating up us kids. By some stupid teachers/classes (as a whole class yes, no problem if it was just individual kids), in school, as small kid and as teenager too.
I was also upset about: not placing so good in one contest (alright I didn't prepare enough ;p). uhh whatever else, can't remember more now.
But really I was just upset about being a kid in general, too small, no control. Sometimes also about being an "outcast" in school. (Someone else instead was seen as "leader".) Also upset by my father. Also by the fact that I was the youngest kid in the family.
I'm not upset about most of these things in retrospect. This all was such a long time ago. My father and I got okay later, much later. Still upsetting memory of some teachers/classes (see "wronged" section above) but I don't think of the past often.
I think that it was a result of all that, that I had the feeling I was left to deal with life on my own. I never thought of talking about problems with family or anything really or even getting truly involved in family life. Let alone school life etc. I think this is a good summary of "felt sense" in my childhood. I don't think that changed much since then. I kind of see this as both 7 and 8 though...
Here are some common "felt senses" of life:
Well mine's as above, I guess.
Also, in social area I sometimes get a mix of these:
- I have a sense of being unimportant, insignificant, and undeserving of attention
- I feel isolated, cut off, and ultimately separate
- I've had a sense of being rejectible
As a kid mostly I had, as mentioned:
- People have wronged and messed with me
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
Discuss which fears have played the greatest role in your life:
I relate to these:
- Rejection, being needy, and not being loved --> well okay I've experienced this and wasn't totally mortified. Still don't want it.
- Weak and not being on top of things --> I haven't experienced feeling this way much but trust me I wouldn't like to. I guess when I was feeling *really down* I was a bit afraid of this.
- Failure --> Eh just try again. This is not in the sense of something not working out. It's mostly about how I wouldn't want to give up some daunting task, that's what I'd mean by failure.
I relate a bit to these maybe:
- Being abandoned, sadness, feeling lost --> I don't want to feel this way.
- Entanglements and losing what I have --> I don't understand what "entanglements" means??? But I wouldn't want to lose what I have, in a material sense, etc.